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Thursday, 02 June
Outrageous Yarn

The wife has recently opened up a show here in Seattle where she makes a brief appearance at the top of the play and then isn't really seen until act two, so she was looking for a hobby that she could try out as she whiled away the free time backstage. (If you're interested, Seattleites, go check out The Ritz at Re-bar. It's funny!)

She tried bearbaiting for a while, but you know what? Bears, while hilarious to see cruelly killed, are in fact damned expensive. So that was out. She tried primal scream therapy for a short time, but it turns out that bone-chilling howls of agony from backstage tend to unnerve audiences, so that didn't work out either; she also tried an alternative, primal sigh therapy, but it wasn't that fulfilling, nor was primal belching. Musical autopsies didn't even last for two days, as we quickly ran out of fresh corpses, and the noise factor became an issue again when audiences complained about the racket made when she joyfully cracked a chest and played the ribs like a marimba.

And then a friend turned her on to . . . knitting. Which is possibly the most disturbing one yet, at least from my perspective. Because while I know it works for her situation--it's quiet, productive, passes the time, etc.--it is really sort of disturbing to be sitting around the home, I'm watching SportsCenter, and then to look over at my wife . . . knitting. My breathing becomes shallow, and the adrenal glands go juicy. Oh, God! I think. My wife is seventy years old! Because, I'm sorry, I do associate knitting with the elderly. Inept scarves and ill-fitting scratchy sweaters and all that, those lovingly-made gifts that have ruined countless Christmases for children.

"Oh, isn't that adorable! Skot, thank your gramma for the shapeless, abrasive sweater!"

"But I wanted Micronauts! I hate you, gramma! All the other kids are going to laugh at me and make me lick the toilet seats if I wear this!"

"They do that anyway, son," my mother would say in reassuring tones. "But for being such a little turd on Christmas, we're going to burn all your good gifts."

"Ahahahahahahaha!" my grandmother would cackle at me then. "Fucked you pretty good again, didn't I, ya little smartass?" She would rattle the ice cubes in her empty bourbon glass wrathfully and lower her voice to a hiss. "Knitcha a coffin next year, ya lousy little pisser."

Maybe we shouldn't talk about Christmas. Sorry . . . took a little trip down memory lane. What were we talking about?

Oh! Right! Knitting. Yeah, anyway, so the wife does this now, and I enjoy ribbing her about it. "Can you knit more quietly?" I said to her tonight, mock-serious. She made a face at me, and then pretended to "knit quietly," which was kind of funny in a way that I can't really describe.

Later, still knitting, she said mildly, out of the blue, "I'm making you a cock warmer." I laughed, and took a look at her work so far. "You've seen my cock, right? I think you're done." She laughed. I looked again. "Seriously, I think you've made three of them," I said. She held up the yarnwork. "Nuh uh!" she exclaimed. (You see why I love this woman?)

After a bit, she put her knitting down to take a break. I turned to her. "Hey," I said, "get back to work. My cock is cold."

And so goes another evening in a happy marriage.

XOXOX | Skot | 02 Jun, 2005 |

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Comments

Mmmm. Abrasive and shapeless cock warmers. Sounds like some of my older brothers ex-girlfriends.

Comment number: 005814   Posted by: Lung the Younger on June 2, 2005 12:49 AM from IP: 80.58.34.109

Just wait'll she takes up spinning.

Comment number: 005815   Posted by: Rachael on June 2, 2005 02:31 AM from IP: 63.197.157.195

puns about cold cocks come to mind but are not worth the time.

Comment number: 005816   Posted by: Lala on June 2, 2005 08:19 AM from IP: 70.48.1.47

Hmm. It's a pox on the country these days--women under 50 are taking up knitting in huge numbers, my wife included.

With any luck, it won't become a mania. My wife can no longer watch television without a screen of wool to keep her from seeing what's going on and clickety-click needles to keep her from hearing same. The other night, she actually suggested that we couldn't rent a movie because she didn't have anything left to knit.

But the real beauty of knitting nice things for yourself is that they only cost about twice as much as the same item bought in the store! Why go buy a pair of wool socks (total time and money invested: 10 minutes, $6) when she can knit me a pair for $20, over the course of a month? When a sweater costs $200, I expect it to come already put together.

In her defense, she has made a number of very nice things, including things for me that I actually quite like. But still.

Comment number: 005817   Posted by: bikeboy on June 2, 2005 11:30 AM from IP: 151.200.215.194

Knitting is all the rage in our local high schools. Apparently it's a good ADD buster - it's calming and gets kids to settle down and focus. They've got tons of both guys and girls knitting at school.

Kids these days ...

Comment number: 005818   Posted by: Mickey on June 3, 2005 03:29 AM from IP: 68.19.193.46

Oh-ho, the wife doesn't by any chance read BUST magazine, does she? Tell me she didn't get the cock-warmer idea from a recent "One-Handed Read"!

Comment number: 005819   Posted by: Angie on June 3, 2005 02:49 PM from IP: 69.51.152.105

yikes... i nearly choked on my lunch! thanks so much!

Comment number: 005820   Posted by: teena405 on June 7, 2005 10:17 AM from IP: 4.22.149.161

Hey I accidentally made one of those last year!
www.daymented.com/2004b/1029_scarf.jpg

Comment number: 005821   Posted by: dayment on June 7, 2005 02:50 PM from IP: 64.105.86.146

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