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Wednesday, 23 February
The Dead Pool

So far 2005 has been a sprightly affair! For death! A brief skim yields a croak-count featuring a writer I will miss, a playwright I never much liked, an actress I was largely unfamiliar with, another actress I never met, a bartender I will very much miss, and an NFL punter I barely heard of. Way to spread the field, death!

I think it's time for my predictions for the Hot Death List of 2005, where I anticipate the coming years' trendiest new ways to die.

Cougar Attack

No, not "cougar" in the MILF sense, you dirty dogs! (Although getting fucked to death by sexually predatory older women barely got edged out at #11.) I'm talking about mountain lions! These sporty carnivores are starting to make a real arterial splash, especially in the Western states, and are redoubling their attacks on deer, pets and . . . humans! When it comes to the Hot Death List, cougars are poised to claw their way to fabulousness! Predicted victim: Haley Joel Osment. You'll see dead people . . . all the time!

New Age

This one is a real comer, and will supplant the longtime champion "old age." Hippies, vegans and other societal punchlines will soon start to succumb to such hilarious mistakes as Tinctures of Potassium Cyanide, uric acid poisoning, and Chronic Meat Deprivation. Worse will be when the Crystalline Entity shows up again and takes over their quartz necklaces. Will these people never learn from the lessons of Star Trek: The Next Generation? Predicted victim: Shirley MacLaine. Unfortunately, only Woody Harrelson will notice.

Overflossing

This is less a problem about people maniacally sawing away at their gums for hours and hours and hours and hours until they shear off a portion of their skull, only to watch it slide glumly down to the bathroom porcelain and land with a dull thud as all their neurons misfire and they collapse into a bloody stew that is going to be hell for housekeeping to tidy up. No. The problem is the dental industry's tragically underthought new product line of monomolecular-filament dental floss that will have people unintentionally doing this in seconds. Predicted victim: Dr. Phil. "Hey, my severed fingers! Hey, my bisected skull! Hey, I had a hateful life! Buuuulllgghhh . . . "

Terrorist Pranks

Terrorist attacks are obviously pretty passe. Get ready for a new terrorist paradigm . . . of hilarity! Well, deadly hilarity. But they meant well. It was just too bad (and too funny!) when that guy slipped on the flaming sack of poo and broke his neck! Or when they sent that Photoshop image of Diane Sawyer's ripped corpse where the dogs were eating her heart? Oh, man. That just killed. Literally millions, actually, since Teheran was bombed as a result, but you should have seen the look on your face! Predicted victim: It hardly matters. Let's say Gary Busey.

Bezoars

These are essentially large balls of hair that sit, undigestible, in the stomach. They are found in mentally blitzed-out people that, well, eat large quantities of their own hair, and they can kill you. If you eat enough hair. For myself, I'm just about ready to eat hair for the next ten years just out of gibbering despair. Won't you join me? I'm developing some really ritzy hair recipes! Hair-icots verts? It's beans and hair! Or Angel Hair Pasta? Boiled hair! (Disclaimer: May Not Contain Angels.) Predicted victim: Too many to name. I imagine that a good portion of the US population will be gnawing fretfully on their own hair as this year progresses.

Don't let me down, folks!


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Comments

Ah, good ol' trichotillomania.

Comment number: 005528   Posted by: rhorsman on February 23, 2005 02:05 PM from IP: 198.179.227.59

Bezoars would be my bet as well.

The only problem is it primarily affects females aged between 10 and 19.

Comment number: 005529   Posted by: tincanman on February 23, 2005 03:08 PM from IP: 210.55.230.19

Bezoars would be my bet as well.

The only problem is it primarily affects females aged between 10 and 19.

Comment number: 005530   Posted by: tincanman on February 23, 2005 03:09 PM from IP: 210.55.230.19

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