skot AT izzlepfaff DOT com
Thursday, 17 February
I just got done watching The Daily Show, which started out with a piece on that hot new topic, bloggers in the news--or, rather, reporting the news. Shoutouts were given to Daily Kos and Atrios, among others (the supremely annoying Wonkette was even given a screen shot of her home page), cementing the notion that the dweebs have basically taken over. What is Nick Denton, after all, if not some hideous amalgam of Queer Eye, Real Sex and the New York Post?
I await the rise of the Mecha-Dweebs, whose nascence is already in evidence with the advent of Fucking Machines. (Look it up if you don't know, just not at work. [Summary for the lazy: fucking machines.])
Later on the program, for the usually lame interview segment, Stewart gabbed with Alan Cumming, who was ostensibly there to flog the obviously unwatchable movie Son of the Mask, but, happily, didn't. Instead, he and Jon spent some giggle-time discussing his new fragrance cleverly entitled "Cumming." I admit I laughed (better was the body lotion he plans to market called "Cumming All Over"), but a running spunk joke is only going to have limited mileage.
But I did think of several terrible jokes on my own! I present here some other celebrity fragrance suggestions.
Magnum P.U.! Oh, lighten up, you goose! This scent will appeal to every hot-blooded mustachioed Republican who at heart just wants to capture the essence of a sweaty Hawaiian private investigator. Enlivened by high notes of salt spray, Corvette seat leather and John Hillerman.
Ashley Judd Hirsch--Shrew 'N Jew
This enticing concoction will have you wondering, "Am I on the private set of a horrible direct-to-rental movie?" These two relentlessly unbankable stars have teamed up to bring you an astonishingly pungent odor reminiscent of the unholy reek of Hollywood failure! Famed director Sidney Lumet says: "DIRECT yourself to the fragrance aisle and buy this stuff! Can I do another picture now?"
Fiscal miscalculation has never smelled so great! Take an olfactory journey with Alan as the hot sweat from your cleavage while you watch your IRA crater mixes with the undeniable scent of mishandled interest rates! (This product is not available for members of the EU, and besides they all smell bad anyway.)
Tom Shales' Unremitting Funk
T.V. party tonight, indeed! Black Flag's own Henry Rollins has proclaimed this new scent as "What the fuck are you talking about? Get that shit away from me. It smells like old hair." Mr. Shales' new fragrance will have everybody talking about you, possibly in a good way, though litigation suggests otherwise! Are you man enough to try this new fragrance before the FDA pulls it from the shelves?
Sterling Hayden's Purity Of Essence
Alan Cumming can market all he wants, but a real Man knows where to get his cologne. This product dries to a hard, scaly crust on the skin, just like a real man would expect, and shuns the fruitiness of the competitors; P.O.E. smells like Clorox and tastes like the Junior Prom, soldiers. Grab it and yank out a few drops, men; you won't regret it. Show those other fairy perfumes what real men like, and leave the spunk jokes out of it.
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Nothing like the southern stench of sanctity for making you the beau of the ball at any Texan pigroast.
Oh my GOD, how many times have I made the bleach reference and had no takers? I was beginning to think maybe it was just my husband..
And sorry but Jon Stewart giggling about giz will never get old to me.
Sorry, but this post just cracked me up.
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