skot AT izzlepfaff DOT com
Wednesday, 12 January
A Visit To Queens
The wife and I tonight went out for some local Chinese food, and I overheard this from another patron: "I just saw 'Ginger Beef' on the menu. That would be a good name for a drag queen." This was spoken in, from what I could tell, total sincerity.
I put down my fork and immediately ordered another drink.
That this is, of course, a monumentally horrible name for a drag queen is kind of the point. I wasn't sure if it was the stupidest thing I'd heard in a while or the most brilliant. I started to build a mental picture of what Ginger Beef would look like, and stopped when I got to Tina Louise wearing steaks around her tits and crotch. (I would like to say that it took me a long time to get there. It did not.)
Here's some other nominees for horrible drag queen names that I either do or emphatically do not ever want to encounter.
Who doesn't want a terrifyingly hairy clown as their OB/GYN? This sexy man-gal is all yours for bachelor parties and live births! Thrill with laughter, ladies, as you convulsively shoot out your newborn into the painfully unfunny arms of what might be a John Wayne Gacy painting! Ho ho ho!
Sean "Vanity" Hannity 6
Let this conservative pundit escort you into the sexy side of unquestioning Republicanism! Mmmmmm. After ten minutes, you're not going to wonder how Prince bedded Alan Greenspan . . . you're going to want the recipe. This is one drag queen who will happily talk about inflation. Whew!
Chike "Cheeky" Okeafor "Okeafor"
Yikes! This Seattle Seahawks defensive end--defensive end!--is cheeky indeed! No seriously, don't bother this guy, because he's crazy strange and might kill you for making fun of his name.
Dame Judi Dentures
For the older set. At the climax of her routine, "Dame Judi" spits out her false teeth into someone's uncovered Manhattan glass. Charming attempts to return the dentures results in Dame Judi's explanation that they really won't be needed for the rest of the night.
United Nations Security Consuela
I really feel that this is the best possible drag queen name ever. In keeping with my recent Khruschev theme, I'd like this drag queen to pound her shoe (politely) on her desk, while shouting, "We will bury you . . . in fabulousness!" And then stylish shoes would drop from the ceiling, raining podiatric havoc for attendees, but ultimately ending in sartorial bliss for all involved.
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"Charming attempts to return the dentures results in Dame Judi's explanation that they really won't be needed for the rest of the night."
Are you kidding.
And might I add..."Margaret Snatch-er". Provocatively fingers her string of pearls while rigidly lip-synching to "Rule Britannia", coquettishly showing the occasional glimpse of a meaty thigh encased in support hose.
I like the Anns: Anna Rexia, Ann Gina, Annie Body.
On the other side of the gender divide, I've always been partial to Noah Vail.
I think you came up with Ginger Beef yourself and just didn't want to admit to it because it's so so so bad. Yeah, that's what I think.
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