As diligent readers of this site well know, I'm nothing if not a fucking stickler for hard reportage. With this in mind, I went out this evening for some choice "man on the street" quotes from people just like you . . . that is, crazy, frothing voters. Some of whom may actually vote.

Skot: Here we are out on First Avenue in Seattle, taking down some of what people are thinking on the eve of the election. Sir, may I trouble you for a moment of your time?

Calm Voter: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAHHHH!

Skot: Hey, this one can't wait! Sir, may I ask who is getting your support tomorrow?

CV: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Skot: I see.

CV: SHOGGOTH! SHOGGOTH RISES! SMOOTHLY! HE SMELLS OF COD!

Skot: So that's a vote for Mr. Kerry.

CV: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Skot: Things are lively down here on the street, folks! I'm moving now over to another fellow . . . sir? Sir, if you have a minute, I'd love to hear about how you plan on voting tomorrow.

Firmly Decided Voter: Well, I have to confess . . . I'm still kind of on the fence. I'm not sure who I like at this point.

(Pause.)

FDV: But I'm leaning towards Benzene Ring.

Skot: I'm sorry?

FDV: Benzene Ring. It's really a very elegant chemical structure. That Kekule fella sure knew his shit.

Skot: Sir, you can't say "shit" on TV.

FDV: Oh, are we on TV?

Skot: God, no. I'm just saying. We're on the internet.

FDV: The internet? Christ hell, man, then I can do whatever I want! Let me show you my dinger! It looks like driftwood, only pink! Well, mostly pink.

(A brief, unpleasant scuffle ensues.)

Skot: Okay, back to business. Hello, miss? Would you mind sharing your thoughts on tomorrow's election?

Thoughtful Voter: Well, I hope those cocksuckers all die in fire.

Skot: Ah . . . and you are referring to . . . ?

TV: That guy. With the tumor on top of his neck.

Skot: Nader?

TV: That's the one.

Skot: He's not even on most ballots.

TV: Really? Oh, Lord, that's a relief.

Skot: So, knowing that, who do you plan on voting for now?

TV: Oh, I don't vote. I think our babysitter does. I'll ask her.

Skot: Thank you. We've got time for one more. Ma'am?

Sensible Voter: Yes, sir?

Skot: May I ask you who you plan on casting your ballot for tomorrow? It's for a stupid website.

SV: I'm proud to say that I'll be voting for Eric Stoltz and Digable Planets tomorrow. This country needs change, and I'll be fucked right in my angry asshole if you can't tell me that Stoltz and DP aren't change.

Skot: You, ma'am, are the finest patriot this country has ever seen.

SV: I know that, you fuckin' little weirdo. Jesus, you're a creepy man. Get out of my way. I'm buying arugula here.

Tape ends here. Don't forget to vote.