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Friday, 01 October
Speak, Muse

As everyone is numbingly aware of by now, the first 2004 Presidential debate took place on this momentous evening. And the wife and I did our part: we faithfully did not watch it, and instead chose to drink Manhattans with a visiting friend.

So I did not see it (though I did see the Daily Show's "coverage" of it, and just need to ask--who gave the Crazy Pills to Giuliani? His report from Galaxy Eyes-A-Poppin' was really . . . weird.), so as I often do in these situations, I just made some crap up.

Lehrer: Senator, how do you respond to charges from the right that your Viet Nam medals were wholly undeserved, and that you wipe your ass with the flag of America?

Kerry: Sir, I wash those flags. Well, Rosa washes them. But those are clean flags.


Lehrer: Mr. President, you've maintained that the war in Iraq was justified for reasons having to do with--

Bush: [makes human beatbox noises while inexpertly poppin' and lockin']

Lehrer: Mr. President?

Bush: Shut up a second. I'm courtin' black votes as we speak.

Lehrer: This is not what--

Bush: [blinks eyes rapidly] Goddamn if that Grandmaster Flash doesn't give me the fuckin' twirls! I gotta play this for Dick. He'll shit his livin' heart!

[Kerry looks despondent for a moment, and then attempts to flash a Crip sign, but hurts his back. As he writhes for a moment, Bush mouths the word "fag" to the camera while pointing at the incapacitated Kerry.]


Lehrer: Gentlemen, I ask both of you: tits? Or ass? Senator?

Kerry: Mr. Moderator, I thank you for the opportunity to speak out on this question. America, since its infancy, has long had a dichotomy involving the elements of your query, and after much thought . . .

Bush: Tits.

Kerry: [sotto voce] Damn. There goes Michigan.


Lehrer: Finally, gentlemen, could we have your final statements?

Bush: I'm a scion of one of America's most fabulously corrupt families. If you don't vote for me, we'll track your ass down and stick funny needles in you until you piss fear. Don't fuck with me. Thank you, and God bless America.

Kerry: I married some lunatic Portuguese ketchup broad, which, honestly, still cracks me up. But to get the the heart of the matter, here is what counts:

[Kerry abrupbtly moves from behind his podium and casually unzips his pants to reveal an astounding set of testicles, which resemble two golf balls contained in a loose sack of dull, gray fur.]

Bush: [Off camera] Hey, no fair!


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.


At last, decent election coverage! AMERICA THANKS YOU.

Comment number: 005122   Posted by: Joshilyn on October 1, 2004 11:38 AM from IP:


Comment number: 005123   Posted by: Snarky on October 1, 2004 04:15 PM from IP:

Dude, I actually saw the debates, and this is fucking close enough.

Comment number: 005124   Posted by: SJ on October 1, 2004 04:19 PM from IP:

For shame! You did not watch. We all know the taller candidate will win. In fact, that's why there was the horrid problem with Florida, etc. Bush and Gore were too close in height. Kerry's taller. He shall win.

However, you are making me wonder if...uh...maybe the longest candidate actually wins?

Big feet! And you know what they say about people with big feet....Big Hands!

Comment number: 005125   Posted by: Miel on October 1, 2004 08:33 PM from IP:

Giuliani looked like he was wired on some crank or something. Maybe he was getting interviewed and blown at the same time and that was his orgasm face.

Comment number: 005126   Posted by: Joe on October 2, 2004 04:16 PM from IP:

I didn't bother to watch. I'm especially glad now that I didn't, because your coverage is priceless.

Comment number: 005127   Posted by: Tracy on October 2, 2004 05:26 PM from IP:

My's a chillingly precise synopsis of the event.

Comment number: 005128   Posted by: Ivana on October 4, 2004 01:04 PM from IP:

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