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Friday, 03 September
Here There Be Unsubtlety
[The wife, who is the head of teaching at a local preschool, recently had a chance to acquaint herself with a new hire: staunch Democrat Senator Zell Miller! Senator Miller spent the day meeting the children and making sure they didn't kill each other unless, of course, it was good for America. I took the opportunity to take a day off from not curing cancer to be a fly on the wall for his first day. Here's my transcription of the events that day.]
Wife: Kids, I'd like you to meet Senator Zell Miller. He's going to be teaching you today. Can you say hello to the Senator?
Kids: (In unison): HELLO, SEMAPHORE MILLER!
Miller: Hi kids! I'm sure looking forward to spending time with you today! I brought you some buttons to wear. Do you boys like buttons?
Girl: I like buttons.
Miller: I was asking the boys. Nobody likes pushy lesbians, dear.
Wife: Senator . . .
Miller: AH HA HA HA! A small joke, dear! My apologies. I'll be on the straight and narrow today, don't worry. (The wife exits after a suspicious look. Once she's gone:) Just kidding, children. Nobody likes lesbians at all.
Boy: What's a lesbian?
Miller: Son, I'm glad you asked. Have you ever seen a Godzilla movie?
Miller: Then you've seen a lesbian. Horrible, scaly monsters, they are.
Girl: (Confused) Are the Japanese people lesbians?
Miller: Probably. Anyway, let's get down to brass tacks! What's going on here?
Boy: I have to go to the bathroom.
Miller: Son, I like your initiative. You haul ass to the bathroom.
Boy: There's someone in there, though. (He clutches his groin dramatically.)
Miller: (Sternly) Nothing makes this Marine madder than an occupied bathroom. (His jaw sets defiantly; it may be lockjaw.) We are going to liberate that fucking bathroom.
Girl: (Squealing) That's a bad word!
Miller: Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice, young lady. And we are going to liberate the shit out of that bathroom! Our boy's gotta squat!
(Miller kicks down the door to the bathroom with a mighty blow. There is a five-year-old child inside perched uncertainly on the toilet.)
(Miller flings the screaming child through the bathroom window. Shattered glass explodes outward, and the wailing becomes slightly fainter, replaced by agonized groans. Miller plants a flag into the toilet bowl and adopts an Iwo Jima stance.)
Miller: Fuck you, Jim Carrey.
Boy: Do you mean John Kerry?
Miller: I don't even know any more.
(The Wife enters, terrified.)
Wife: Senator Miller! You have to do something! We're being attacked! By Mothra! It's eaten three children! (Pause.) Fortunately, they were really irritating children.
Miller: My work is never done. Aides! Prepare the catapult!
Wife: What will you use for ammo?
Miller: We have plenty of children. Many of them are quite heavy.
Wife: That's horrible! What on earth are you going to tell their parents?
Miller: They can always make some more Democrats. They'll be able to vote in a mere eighteen years.
God bless America.
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you consistently remain one of my favorite blogs. keep up the good work, and i'll keep on spitting coffee all over my computer screen.
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