"Welcome back to your Olympic coverage. I'm Screamin' Al."

"And I'm Analytical Elsie, a soulless dronebot from the Boredom Fields of Alpha Dreary IX; my Cold Disapproval chips were forged in the hellish datapits of X'raggl . . . "

"Thanks, Elsie! We're here at Treacly Sentiment Pavilion for the women's 500 meter Ape Tag event, where a lot is expected of the young American competitor Amanda Dentition. She's just fourteen years old."

"That's right, Al. Amanda is here all the way from her home in Crushing Ennui, Idaho. She's got to be nervous."

"Elsie, I notice she has no tits at all. Do you expect that to weigh on her as she goes into tonight's competition?"

"Al, uh, well . . . "

"None of these broads have any tits. But with regards to Amanda, Elsie, how is the youngster handling the pressure? Do you think she knows that the collective weight of a nation's expectations sits on her shoulders like some unbearable hod of ultradense concrete? Will that be a factor?"

"I'm sure it will, Al. She's got to be feeling the pressure at this point. If she doesn't medal in this event, I know she's going to feel that she missed out on a huge opportunity. And let's not forget how disappointed several hundred millions of Americans will be in her for a couple hours until they forget who she is."

"It looks like we're about to start, Elsie. The women are lining up--that's Holga Schminkey on Amanda's left, from the Ukraine. She's expected to be a threat in this event."

"They're opening the ape cages, Al. This is about to get exciting! Oh, here we go! The apes are free and all over the track!"

"Amanda Dentition is off to a great start, Elsie! She's latched onto a big silverback and--oh. Oh! That doesn't look good."

"No, I really have to take issue with Amanda's form, Al. She was lazy in her rotation when she attempted the spin tag, and the gorilla really made her pay for it."

"That monkey is still making her pay, Elsie! Oh, she's getting batted around like a broken kite. I think we've got a real fuck-circus on our hands here today."

"It's true, Al. The judges are really going to take off points for the vicious mauling that Dentition is receiving. See how she's not tucking her knees in to protect her abdomen? That's going to cost her."

"Judges? Isn't this a distance event?"

"Nobody even knows any more, Al. Oh, now look at Holga Schminkey! She is showing some really great form right now. Her arms are a little soft, but I really love the lines she's showing as that terrifying primate tries to savagely rip her arms off."

"She's really holding her own! Jesus Christ!"

"SHE SURE IS, AL! This could be one for the ages! Look at her humiliate that animal!"

"YEAH! YEAH! Elsie, I can't believe what I'm seeing! FUCK YOU, APE! E-VO-LU-TION! E-VO-LU-TION!"

"Al, the gorillas can't hear you."

"Oh, they can hear me."

"Even if they could, they wouldn't understand you, Al."

"You're so naive, Elsie."

"We're just about to the end here, Al!"

"OHHHhhhh! And that does it. Amanda Dentition, the American, finishes out of the medals. Ouch. She really appears to be crushed."

"I'm sure she's disappointed, Al."

"No, seriously, that big fucking monkey really did a number on her. I think she's dead."

"Dead like the dreams of American gold."

"Elsie, would you say she let our entire nation down tonight? How does she feel right now--I mean, if her heart were still functioning--knowing that she had a shot and she blew it? I mean, she really fucked it hard, right on TV in front of the whole world. She must feel like a turd."

"She should, Al. Let's take a look at the standings and see who won."

"Hey, it looks like we have an upset here--Holga also finished out of the medals. You can see her disappointment as she receives chest compressions."

"So our gold medalist tonight is--"

"It's Ayama Madala-- . . . Madala-- . . . Ayama Madala-- . . . Jesus, these wog names . . . Ayama Madalamabamaslammajamma, or whatever. Congratulations to her on her victory tonight, Elsie!"

"A triumphant victory for . . . er . . . where's she from, Al?"

"Pluto? I don't know. Who gives a fuck, Elsie? Congratulations to Ms. Whatserface on her uninteresting win. And now, it's time to turn it back over to Bob Costas."

"Thanks, Al. We're going to take a break. When we come back to Athens, five exciting minutes of men's canoeing, and then twenty interminable minutes of indoor volleyball. We'll be right back."