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skot AT izzlepfaff DOT com

Friday, 09 July
Bitter Pill

INTERIOR. A WOMAN is reclining on a couch. Her attitude is vaguely post-orgasmic. She runs a hand through her tousled hair and addresses the viewer.

WOMAN: Let me tell you about my husband. He's a good man, and I love him. But a few years ago . . . we had . . . problems.

CUT TO: A bedroom. The HUSBAND, naked, is standing by a fully-made bed, staring disconsolately at his apparently uncooperative, wrinkly, flaccid penis. He taps at it curiously, and then waves his arms in a gesture of helplessness, causing his member to wobble ineffectually.

CUT TO: A bathroom. The WOMAN is bitterly sobbing and tossing handfuls of water on her face, which is in a rictus of sexual frustration. She opens a cabinet and hesitatingly brings forth a mighty dildo and stares at it contemplatively. Minor key piano chords underscore the poignant scene as she absently strokes the shockingly pink apparatus.

VOICEOVER (WOMAN): I mean, I won't piss on your shoes and tell you it's raining. It was bad.

CUT TO: Back on the couch. The WOMAN'S face slowly breaks into a gently lascivious smile.

Woman: That's when we found Turgidin.

MUSIC: The raucous opening chords from Aerosmith's "Back in the Saddle" are heard, culminating in the scream, "I'm BACK!"

CUT TO: The bedroom, which looks like it barely withstood a Panzer attack. The HUSBAND is doing an awkward and clumsy dance about the room, clutching his genitals gingerly but happily with one hand, while giving the camera a delighted thumbs-up with the other. The WOMAN lies on the bed, dazed and clearly incapacitated with post-coital pleasure. She drools slightly onto her pillow while the HUSBAND continues to hop around and coo at his revitalized penis.

ANNOUNCER VO: Turgidin. Why not make your poor wife come for a change, limpy?

CUT TO: Virile, confident HUSBAND, cuffs open-buttoned, neck open, twirling about with his wife. The couple exchange meaningful looks.

ANNOUNCER VO: After all . . . shouldn't it be . . . about her?

WOMAN: Thanks, Turgidin! (She smiles coyly while clawing at her man's zipper.)

ANNOUNCER VO: Take Turgidin. If not for your wife . . . then for your mistresses.

CUT TO: Slutty blonde in hotel room. She grins as HUSBAND, naked and startlingly erect, emerges from bathroom. Both grin and laugh.

ANNOUNCER VO: Turgidin. You need boners. We need money. (Hushed, confidential voice) Discontinue use in case of liver spasms, bleeding eyes, or exploding knees. In some cases, Turgidin can cause menses changes, particularly in men. Consult a physician for gender reassignment.

Rimshot! | Skot | 09 Jul, 2004 |

Note: Comments are closed on old entries.


Um. Skot. Do you have something to tell us?

*looks at Skot's wife*

*glances at Skot*

*closes eyes, tightly*

Comment number: 004925   Posted by: avogadro on July 9, 2004 05:31 AM from IP:

"You need boners. We need money."

How easily you explain basic economics. They should teach it like that in schools.

Comment number: 004926   Posted by: KOTWF on July 9, 2004 07:02 AM from IP:

Economics? We need to teach biology like this.

Comment number: 004927   Posted by: PZ Myers on July 9, 2004 07:17 AM from IP:

I think it could work. No, I know it could work. It already is working...I think this is the commercial men play in their heads secretly when those other pills are advertised.

Apparently in France one of these is known as 'le weekender' or something to imply it's the one you take for your mistress. I mean, wives are always around but a well-planned cheat could go very awry without the right chemicals.

(Oh, my God! My comment failed b/c you have forbidden v i a g r a on these comments...)

Comment number: 004928   Posted by: Miel on July 9, 2004 04:36 PM from IP:

Blocking of the V-word is probably to reduce comment spam, and not out of any prudery on Skot's part (I assume that's obvious after this post, though).

Skot, you are a genius. I would love to see this commercial produced.

Comment number: 004929   Posted by: Dave Adams on July 9, 2004 07:11 PM from IP:

I love that commercial with the disclaimer that says "erections lasting more than 4 hours, though rare, require immediate medical attention..."
Strike the word "medical" from that statement and I'd agree wholeheartedly!

Comment number: 004930   Posted by: Jager on July 10, 2004 05:23 AM from IP:

"Naked and startlingly erect" would probably get you the female audience, too.

Comment number: 004931   Posted by: rachel on July 11, 2004 02:30 AM from IP:

What's a few liver spasms if you die happy? Then your widow gets rich from the lawsuit.

Everyone wins.

Comment number: 004932   Posted by: Anne on July 11, 2004 08:54 PM from IP:

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