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Tuesday, 15 June
A Friend In Ben

As my tens of readers know, Izzle Pfaff is dedicated to bringing you, the work-shirking reader, the finest in celebrity interviews. This week is no different. Noted Hollywood star Ben Stiller, who must be stopped at all cost, joined me at a local establishment to talk about his success and his remarkable body of work.

IP: Hello, Ben.

BS: Hi there. Good to meet you.

Waitress: Hi, can I get you--[she clearly recognizes Stiller]--oh, Jesus. You're that guy.

BS: Oh, gosh, here we go.

Waitress: You were in Mystery Men, right? I saw that!

BS: So did four other people! What a world. Listen, what do you have on tap?

Waitress: How about a nice big glass of piss? That's what your fucking movie tasted like. Jesus Christ. That movie cost me my marriage.

BS: You're adorable. Whatever's on tap.

Waitress: You're getting piss. Comin' up.

IP: Can I get--

[Waitress exits.]

BS: She's sweet. I get that a lot.

IP: So, Ben, thanks for joining me. Let's talk a little about your body of work.

BS: Sure.

IP: You have been bizarrely hailed for starring in what is possibly the ghastliest array of hopeless piles of shit for many years now. It's really quite impressive. How do you manage it?

BS: Well, it does take some work. I read a lot of Artaud--Theater of Cruelty and all that--and I try and go from there. It doesn't always work. For example, take The Royal Tenenbaums. What a disaster. Some people ended up thinking it was a good film. They were wrong, but the point is, that's not what I'm shooting for.

IP: I agree; that film is an overstuffed catastrophe with some decent performances. [Stiller visibly blanches.] Oh, sorry--no, not yours! Sorry about that. No, you were outacted by your hairdo. But I can see where you'd get worried. Some people did repsond positively to the movie.

BS: Yeah. It still creeps me out. It's just not the reaction I look for from my audience. As soon as Gene Hackman got attached, I got nervous, but I kept telling myself that I could still torpedo the movie despite his involvement. I think I held my own.

IP: You had a little help from Gwyneth Paltrow, didn't you?

BS: I really did. If the audience managed to get past my hair, there was no way they were going to just blow off her eyeliner. We beat those viewers stupid.

IP: That's great. Let's talk about another film that nobody with any brains bothered to watch, the very unharrowing cautionary drug movie Permanent Midnight.

BS: What an interesting experience that was. I really enjoyed that role; it's not every day you see Hollywood make a brave movie that explores the dark side of drug abuse these days . . . it's more like every other day. And I think I reached a lot of people with that terrible movie.

IP: Why do you say that?

BS: Because I looked at the statistics. The release of that movie coincided with a dramatic increase in drug use among moviegoers. It was pretty startling.

IP: Why do you think that was?

BS: Most of the people involved in the studies point to the fact that the movie seemed to indicate that heavy drug use tended to correlate strongly with Ben Stiller vomiting helplessly, Ben Stiller being unconscious, or Ben Stiller not making any more terrible movies because he might die. I guess people responded to that message with decisive action.

IP: That's super.

BS: I thought so. I wish more people had seen that movie. So many needless lives not lost.

[The waitress returns.]

Waitress: Here's your piss. I microwaved it, so it's kind of hot. [To IP:] Here's your nothing.

IP: Uh . . . thanks.

BS: [Drinking.] This is good piss.

IP: Things really took off for you when There's Something About Mary hit big, right?

BS: I guess so. People really identified with that "come in her hair" joke, for some reason. I think that guys really want to come in people's hair.

IP: That is funny.

BS: This is awkward. You don't want me to come in your hair, do you? I don't really go that way.

IP: No, no. Please don't.

BS: [Laughing] Oh, man, cool. I was worried. I'm saving a blast for that waitress, though. She's hot.

IP: After Mary came some more success with the wildly successful film Meet The Parents. This movie featured your character being emotionally and physically humiliated by a horrifying family populated by utter psychopaths for two hours. How was it working with slumming, will-mug-for-cash Robert DeNiro?

BS: That guy . . . wow. That guy can slum. Did you see Analyze This?

IP: Christ, no.

BS: How about Analyze That?

IP: I'd rather die.

BS: That's what I'm saying. The man is a pro. I'll do any horrible film with him. There's nobody in this business that can live down to the nadir of standards that he exemplefies. You can quote me on that.

IP: What's next for Ben Stiller? Can we look forward to Duplex 2?

BS: Boy. Probably not. I really liked working with Drew--she has a rack and a half--but it was not an easy project. I mean, how can you remake The Money Pit and not come out looking like an ass? I mean, I admire the work of Danny DeVito--who doesn't loathe Hoffa, for God's sake? That's practically unwatchable. Or The War of the Roses? Michael Douglas eats his dog? Come on! You can't compete with that.

IP: I guess I see where you're coming from.

BS: Yeah. Poor Danny. He's just an awful little man. I don't know where he went wrong. He's kind of a role model for me, except for the unspeakable string of failures.

IP: Thanks for speaking with me today, Ben. It's been illuminating.

BS: Oh, hey, thanks for the piss. I've had worse. [Conspiratorially] I have to run. I'm totally going to see if that waitress will let me come on her hair.

IP: Uh, good luck.

BS: You just spent an hour grilling me about my unforgivable career. Don't you know anything about luck by now?

IP: Good point.

[Make sure to catch Mr. Stiller in his mindbendingly awful new movie Dodge Ball, where he is sure to astonish as he plays a vile moron. Here's hoping Ben keeps reaching for new heights.]

Note: Comments are closed on old entries.


You're in luck. You can catch more of Ben Stiller on Letterman tonight.

Comment number: 004827   Posted by: Marshall on June 15, 2004 08:18 AM from IP:

See, this is why I read Izzle Pfaff: the subtlety.

Comment number: 004828   Posted by: Joe on June 15, 2004 11:47 AM from IP:

Did anyone watch Envy?
Just curious.

Comment number: 004829   Posted by: dayment on June 15, 2004 01:09 PM from IP:

If Drew has a rack and a half, does that mean she has three breasts?

Comment number: 004830   Posted by: girlygirl on June 15, 2004 02:09 PM from IP:

See, this is why I read Izzle Pfaff: the subtlety.

Also, the biting political commentary.

Comment number: 004831   Posted by: Skot on June 15, 2004 02:21 PM from IP:

freakin' hysterical!

oooh and you can quote me on that.

Comment number: 004832   Posted by: poster on June 15, 2004 08:39 PM from IP:

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