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Thursday, 20 May
Family Devalues

They've been airing some ads threatening yet another round of episodes for the eternally ghastly "Fear Factor" show, a program that asks the question, "What will the planet run out of first: horrible wavy-limbed insects, or awful people who are willing to eat them on national televison?" I've actually never watched this show, only partially because of the fact that I really don't want to watch idiots eagerly debasing themselves for unclear reasons--that's what weblogs are for! No, I avoid it for the presence of Joe Rogan, whose very existence I find to be the single most terrifying thing about this program. Everything I've seen of Joe Rogan since he left the estimable "NewsRadio" has made me embarrassed that I ever enjoyed his character on that show, and I wish him mostly a protracted, consumptive death.

Well, maybe "protracted" is stretching it a bit. A quicker death would protect against him actually saying anything. And Joe Rogan is certainly at his best when he is emphatically not saying anything.

At any rate, the "Fear Factor" ad also mentioned something truly unspeakable: "Family Fear Factor." Oh, yay. It's like the dark matter equivalent of family counseling; I imagine this sprang fully formed from the mind of Kang. The spot showed a heartwarming clip of Angry Mom hissing at her kid: "Are you gonna cry? Don't cry." Honestly, I'm not a parent, but adults are real turds when it comes to kids. I know that kids are maddening and weird and so forth, but putting on a frightening, pinched look of horrible, clenched anger and then hotly insisting that a child "don't cry" is guaranteed one thing: Many tears. I certainly wanted to cry, and I'm about to turn 35.

I can only imagine the whole exchange between foul mother and miserable child:

"Mommy, I don't wanna wrestle the squids!"

"Look, buster, you're going into that tank full of terrifying, multi-limbed horrors from the deep, and you're going to fight!"

"Buh-buh-boooooo-hooooooo!"

"You gonna cry? Don't cry."

"Squids are gonna eat me! They got suckers and poison!"

"Yep. And the producers have been starving them for weeks. I don't care. We're on TV. You're going in, or you're gonna have to deal with Mr. Sad."

"M-mr. Sad?"

"You heard me. Mr. Sad. Mr. Sad comes to your bed at night with needlenose pliers. He peels your ears off with 'em and eats 'em."

"I don't like Mr. Sad!"

"Nobody does. That's why he's Mr. Sad."

"Mommy, are you talking about daddy? Is that why he left you for the woman at the DMV?"

"No, honey. I'm not talking about that worthless shithead."

"Then who is Mr. Sad?"

"Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan is Mr. Sad. Do you want him to tear your ears off?"

"No, Mommy, no! I'll be good! Please let me into the squid tank! Please, please, please!"

"That's a good boy. You'd better beat the shit out of those squid. Mr. Rogan won't like it if you fuck it up."

"I hate Mr. Sad."

"We all do, honey. Now get going. Mommy needs digital cable."


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

Does this mean that we won't get to see nubile, silicon-enhanced girls jumping on trampolines anytime soon on the izzle?

*cries*

Comment number: 004712   Posted by: avogadro on May 20, 2004 07:23 AM from IP: 24.75.116.128

I think you should go with the protracted death. I think you'll find that consumptives actually lack the breath to talk a lot. Your mistake is understandable, however, given that in the realm of opera, it is not uncommon for massive sopranos to sing demanding arias at considerable volume all while dying (protractedly) of consumption. Certainly, we don't want Joe Rogan belting out any arias, but I'm pretty sure it only happens that way in Puccini. I'm a bit surprised to find that you're such an opera queen but you go, girl. I mean, bravo!

Comment number: 004713   Posted by: Pesty on May 20, 2004 07:27 AM from IP: 66.160.108.162

As a mother, excuse me, as a devoted mother, I grew unashamedly teary as I read about Angry Mother and Scared Little Kid. I thought "Never, never would I exploit my 27 pounds of sticky joy like that! What kind of monster..." but then I got to your last sentence.

Is there some contractual guarantee that rewards a Family Fear Factor appearance with digital cable? I am talking about specific performance here- Joe Rogan with a shovel dragging the cable the last needed quarter of a mile to my house? Because this mommy was trying to watch Game 7 last night and there was a thunderstorm and the satellite kept cutting out and... long story short, if I throw my kid in the squid tank will they be able to install before the Western Finals?

Comment number: 004714   Posted by: Julia on May 20, 2004 08:10 AM from IP: 66.82.9.11

Living in Taiwan for the past six months, one thing I've noticed is that reality television has not caught on here (thank God). No Apprentice, no Survivor, not much of anything - except the inescapable Fear Factor. And they love it here. Maybe something about the white man debasing himself. Who knows. Didn't like it at home, don't like it here.

Comment number: 004715   Posted by: Ryan on May 20, 2004 10:46 AM from IP: 218.172.204.109

Excuse me, Skot? Didn't Brack *JUST* get finished telling you he doesn't watch TV? More posts about Art please.

Comment number: 004716   Posted by: on May 20, 2004 12:33 PM from IP: 64.27.149.146

Who the hell is Art?! Feck off!

Comment number: 004717   Posted by: TheBrad on May 20, 2004 01:26 PM from IP: 216.114.64.26

You nameless pansy somewhere in Chicago: It's Berck, not Brack. I don't want to get confused with an occaisionally amusing cartoon network character. I would seek revenge on your name, but you're not only too scared to leave it, you're such an unimaginative stiff that you can't bother with a fake name.

In spite of the continuing TV posts, this one was intelligble. And I'm hardly extraordinarily upset over the TV posts, since it's not like Skot is defending television. (Even if he defends the act of television-watching...)

Comment number: 004718   Posted by: berck on May 20, 2004 03:30 PM from IP: 68.97.3.241

Sorry Berck! I spelt your name wrong. My name is Mike, I live near, but not in, Chicago.

Is that enough information to get revenge on my name or did you need more?

I'm pretty scared, but mostly because I don't know what that means.

If you need my last name or email or whatever let me know. I'll be home watching TV.

Comment number: 004719   Posted by: Mike on May 20, 2004 03:43 PM from IP: 64.27.149.146

Aw, berck's all threatening and stuff. How cute! And he approves of Skot's post! That must make Skot just as pleased as punch!

*ruffles berck's hair*

Comment number: 004720   Posted by: Rob Drimmie on May 21, 2004 04:31 AM from IP: 65.48.133.67

Who the hell is Art?! Feck off!

That's heartless. Don't you know that LSD killed his daughter? Show some compassion, man!

Comment number: 004721   Posted by: Snarky on May 21, 2004 07:55 AM from IP: 198.151.13.8

Anybody who resorts to "pansy" as an insult hardly has room in his glass house to be throwing stones about being unimaginative.

Still, I suppose that since I was promised a disappointing tool, I should be happy that one showed up.

Comment number: 004722   Posted by: Pesty on May 21, 2004 07:56 AM from IP: 66.160.108.162

That's heartless. Don't you know that LSD killed his daughter? Show some compassion, man!

Kids do the darn'dest things.

Comment number: 004723   Posted by: on May 21, 2004 08:00 AM from IP: 163.192.21.2

I am always humbled by your literary prowess.

I find Joe Rogan sexy in an underhanded terrorist sort of way. He is filled with the type of evil akin to that of insane mothers who kill their children by driving their car into a river and somehow swimming to safety and leaving their offspring to inhale water.

Comment number: 004724   Posted by: ElectricChiclet on May 24, 2004 05:27 PM from IP: 69.21.25.150

No disrespect to any of you but you shouldn't take everything in life so seriously. Joe Rogan's sense of humor rocks. Try to lighten up and enjoy yourself, instead of reading deeply into a television show like Fear Factor. If you want deep stuff, stick to the classics; if you want to be entertained, watch Joe and the Fear Factor contestants.

Comment number: 004725   Posted by: mark on September 5, 2004 02:20 PM from IP: 151.203.127.4

I just wanted to add that Joe Rogan does an awesome job of keeping people entertained, as well as keeping contestants on Fear Factor from quitting. Have any of you ever watched the show? He does an excellent job of encouraging them and helping them ignore other contestant's harsh comments. I think that Joe Rogan is a great addition to TV today, and I wish there were more hosts like him, as opposed to some of the slimy ones out there. Keep up the good work Joe!!

Comment number: 004726   Posted by: Kristen on October 5, 2004 10:54 PM from IP: 64.12.116.136

Joe's Belly of the Beast is some of the funniest shit I have seen in a while.

I dare you dudes to sign up for his Forum - bet you won't last 10 posts

Comment number: 004727   Posted by: Maxx on October 13, 2004 05:39 PM from IP: 217.233.252.234

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