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Wednesday, 28 April
Pantheon And On

God: All right, settle down, folks. Let's bring this to order.

Zeus: Listen, I'm sorry, but seriously, I have to bring this up again. (Everyone else moans.) Seriously! Why is this fucking guy always in charge?

God: Demographics. I'm a wise old white guy. And, of course, American. Duh. Let's move on. How did we do today?

Vishnu: Pretty rad. I fucked up all kinds of shit.

Allah: (Desolately) Yeah, rad. Thanks a whole fucking lot for that. (Allah slumps.)

Buddha: Hey, don't go there, man. It's all good.

Allah: It was just another pisser of a day. Jesus Christ. (There is an awkward pause. To God:) Look, sorry about that, but you really are kind of a dong, you know?

God: (Mildly) I get that a lot.

Apollo: Yeah, well, don't mind me. I just pulled the fucking sun around all goddam day. Again. Do you have any idea how much vacation time I have piled up?

Prometheus: (His liver is being eaten by vultures.) Oh, yes, cry me a river, tan-boy.

Brahma: (Serenely) The wheel spins. All that is will become again.

Jerry Garcia: Yeah! Right on!

Zeus: I'm going to ask again: What the fuck is this guy doing here?

God: It was him or Eric Clapton, first to die wins. There you go.

Bacchus: Look, I don't give a shit, but he can't play any more, all right? It's impossible to keep a boner going with this burnout fumbling through "Truckin'."

Aphrodite: (Drily) Yes. Your poor "boners." You have it real tough. (She glares at Haephestus, who is picking his teeth with a Raelian. She laughs despite herself.) Haef, what are you doing?

Haephestus: What? These guys are totally disposable.

God: All right! Let's rein it in! First on the agenda is . . . (he looks) ugh. Seattle? Didn't I wipe those geeks and junkies out?

Buddha: Harsh.

Balder: Uh, sorry, that was me. (Everyone stares at him.) What? Ever since Boeing split, they make some quality combs. You have no idea how hard it is to find a good comb.

Zeus: Listen, we made some progress today. I understand that Thor kicked some serious ass.

Thor: Yeah, I made a windstorm. That was fucking tough. Tomorrow I hope to complete a children's crossword.

God: All right, settle down. Give me the skinny. Did shit get fucked up? Loki?

Loki: Oh, hell yeah! I knocked down Kurruk's plant!

(Pause.)

Vishnu: Are you serious?

Loki: Yeah! That Skot guy? He's a tool. So I knocked over a peony. Soil went everywhere! It was kind of barky soil, too.

Allah: (Venemously) Gee, I hope he didn't shoot himself out of despair.

Loki: (Defensively) Well . . . he kind of glared.

Zeus: Oh, Loki. When did you lose your talent for this job?

Loki: I've been a little depressed since Friends got cancelled.

Haephestus: (Out of nowhere) You know what's also good for picking your teeth? Mormons. Mormons are pointy.

(There is a vast silence.)

Haephestus: Well, they are.


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

So THAT is why my plant fell over? Fucking Loki!

Comment number: 004606   Posted by: Ryan Waddell on April 28, 2004 04:58 AM from IP: 206.47.252.98

And I thought it was my fucking cat. That Norse Bastard!

Comment number: 004607   Posted by: KOTWF on April 28, 2004 06:41 AM from IP: 65.78.217.179

YAY! That's awesome!

Comment number: 004608   Posted by: Mark on April 28, 2004 06:45 AM from IP: 66.47.18.130

Repent, sinner! Or Hephaestus will pick his teeth with your shattered remains!

Comment number: 004609   Posted by: sennoma on April 28, 2004 07:44 AM from IP: 137.53.85.134

*genuflect*

Comment number: 004610   Posted by: j on April 28, 2004 10:29 AM from IP: 137.113.69.120

"First to die wins." Excellent. The scene cracked here.

Comment number: 004611   Posted by: rachel on April 28, 2004 11:08 AM from IP: 198.81.26.45

Holy crap. That's awesome.

Comment number: 004612   Posted by: i on April 29, 2004 06:08 AM from IP: 141.156.117.66

Weird. Was this an established peony, or had you just put it in?

Comment number: 004613   Posted by: Teresa Nielsen Hayden on April 30, 2004 09:03 PM from IP: 24.90.12.28

It was a potted peony, a gift from a friend. It is destined to die in its pot, as I am too lazy to properly plant it.

Comment number: 004614   Posted by: Skot on May 3, 2004 08:06 AM from IP: 140.107.123.110

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