God: All right, settle down, folks. Let's bring this to order.

Zeus: Listen, I'm sorry, but seriously, I have to bring this up again. (Everyone else moans.) Seriously! Why is this fucking guy always in charge?

God: Demographics. I'm a wise old white guy. And, of course, American. Duh. Let's move on. How did we do today?

Vishnu: Pretty rad. I fucked up all kinds of shit.

Allah: (Desolately) Yeah, rad. Thanks a whole fucking lot for that. (Allah slumps.)

Buddha: Hey, don't go there, man. It's all good.

Allah: It was just another pisser of a day. Jesus Christ. (There is an awkward pause. To God:) Look, sorry about that, but you really are kind of a dong, you know?

God: (Mildly) I get that a lot.

Apollo: Yeah, well, don't mind me. I just pulled the fucking sun around all goddam day. Again. Do you have any idea how much vacation time I have piled up?

Prometheus: (His liver is being eaten by vultures.) Oh, yes, cry me a river, tan-boy.

Brahma: (Serenely) The wheel spins. All that is will become again.

Jerry Garcia: Yeah! Right on!

Zeus: I'm going to ask again: What the fuck is this guy doing here?

God: It was him or Eric Clapton, first to die wins. There you go.

Bacchus: Look, I don't give a shit, but he can't play any more, all right? It's impossible to keep a boner going with this burnout fumbling through "Truckin'."

Aphrodite: (Drily) Yes. Your poor "boners." You have it real tough. (She glares at Haephestus, who is picking his teeth with a Raelian. She laughs despite herself.) Haef, what are you doing?

Haephestus: What? These guys are totally disposable.

God: All right! Let's rein it in! First on the agenda is . . . (he looks) ugh. Seattle? Didn't I wipe those geeks and junkies out?

Buddha: Harsh.

Balder: Uh, sorry, that was me. (Everyone stares at him.) What? Ever since Boeing split, they make some quality combs. You have no idea how hard it is to find a good comb.

Zeus: Listen, we made some progress today. I understand that Thor kicked some serious ass.

Thor: Yeah, I made a windstorm. That was fucking tough. Tomorrow I hope to complete a children's crossword.

God: All right, settle down. Give me the skinny. Did shit get fucked up? Loki?

Loki: Oh, hell yeah! I knocked down Kurruk's plant!

(Pause.)

Vishnu: Are you serious?

Loki: Yeah! That Skot guy? He's a tool. So I knocked over a peony. Soil went everywhere! It was kind of barky soil, too.

Allah: (Venemously) Gee, I hope he didn't shoot himself out of despair.

Loki: (Defensively) Well . . . he kind of glared.

Zeus: Oh, Loki. When did you lose your talent for this job?

Loki: I've been a little depressed since Friends got cancelled.

Haephestus: (Out of nowhere) You know what's also good for picking your teeth? Mormons. Mormons are pointy.

(There is a vast silence.)

Haephestus: Well, they are.