this is the picture:

the people around here LIKE the ducks, and the geese, that like to hang out around the little lake thingy. They like them so much that they ignore the "do not feed the ducks" signs and throw bread right there beside the road, from their cars. Apparently they don't actually want to go down near the pondlake thing to do this, they just want to do it from their cars. Drivethrough duckfeeding. What that does, of course, is draw all the ducks and geese up to the road where they're often nearly run over by agitated people trying to use the road as a road.

So what I mean is that you need to, after you're finished playing with the woman's lorna doones, ship her here, in a box. I'll aim her at the geese in the street so they stop feeling comfortable there, where they really shouldn't feel comfortable. OR, better yet, I'll aim her at the people who are feeding them. Because they definitely need to be pelted with ice cubes. Repeatedly.

Buy some ducklings. Rear them on whiskey. The next ice attack would then become a catalyst for a duck pool party.

Does she live on the ground floor? Late at night, sneak over and pee under her window. For a week.

Forget withholding the Lorna Doones, I say you should take a dump on her balcony. Wouldn't a little duck poop in the pool be preferable to someone taking a dump on your balcony? Poetic justice indeed...

I mean, you said the whole thing made your gut hurt. I'm just saying...

" I will--I hate to be this graphic, but I'm mad--I will withhold her Lorna Doones. Yes."

holy crap! Brilliant post.

ICE CUBES? Isn't that...against the law or something? Isn't that like throwing rocks at animals, only rocks that melt a slightly lower temperature?
But this post made me think of this song *bursts out in song*
http://www.harpercollins.com/hc/images/om/JB/SinisterDucks-MarchoftheSinisterDucks.mp3
The lyrics are here:
http://sheridan.gothcentric.com/lyrics/sinisterducks.php

Naw, I didn't like that story at all, Skot.
You expression of feelings you used were too terse for the message you seemed to be portrying. It's as if you were the mentally twisted, but don't want the crowd to know, offspring of Stephen King.
Keep up the good work.
P.S. I like Ice. And I do like ducks. Peking Style

I had this co-worker who was a fellow graveyard-shift dweller. Big black guy. Loved Lorna Doones.

"Lorna Doones?" I asked. "The butter cookies?"

"Yeah," he said, sheepishly, "I have to only buy the small box, cause otherwise I'll eat a whole large box in one sitting."

Whoa.

Oh, and also, Skot...I don't know if you have MT-Blacklist or something, but you have tiny++place.org blocked, which is my primary domain. NO comment spam comes from tiny++place.org, and I don't use comment spam to drive traffic to my site. So if you will kindly please remove it from your block list? (The ++'s are there just to get it past the filter!!!)

Daniel, I wish I knew what was up with your site being blocked. If you email me the IP address for tinyplace, I'll make sure it's not one I have blocked--which is only 7 total, and I'm pretty sure they were all spammers, but I'm happy to doublecheck. Beyond that, I don't have any idea why MT would be blocking your site, but as has been frequently noted, I'm not very bright.

this fascination with ducks in the pool...man, you and tony soprano need to get together, pour a couple of scotches, have a little quality time together dialoging your respective duck-worries.

The old "throwing ice cubes" trick, eh? I once used that one a pair of drunken bums fucking on my front lawn. They reacted much the same as the ducks.

I'd start buying bird seed and spreading it on the pool deck on a regular basis, until the incessant flocks of birds drove away the crones. But that's just me...

OMG that was funny as hell. i feel bad for the ducks cuz of that witch throwing ice cubes at them.