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Friday, 09 April
Flying Birds (Excellent Birds)

I have mentioned before that we have a pair of ducks who have adopted our patio pool as their hangout. They are, of course, unbelievably cute; granted, they have shat in the pool and all over the concrete, which is probably a drag for the cleaners, but come on. Humans regularly have cats as pets, and they shit right there in your own house, and nobody seems to mind. What's a little duckshit in the pool by comparison?

But no, the condozombies, who are mostly, I must stress again, almost all comically decrepit, continue to creepily bitch about the "duck problem." (I should take a moment here to assure those who might accuse me of making fun of old people just because they're old: I am.) It makes me sad. The wife and I really enjoy the ducks, particularly waddling up to them and croaking "Wak! Wak! Wak!" It seems to confuse them, and they tilt their heads at us. Then they take a crap, which we also find delightful. Or at least I do, partially because the animals lord it over us in the sense that we don't get to just take a dump wherever and whenever the mood strikes us. I have big dreams about sitting in one of my interminable meetings at work and letting loose. "So it turns out that this drug is most efficient when . . . ah . . . say, Skot . . . are you taking a shit?" "Boy, am I ever. It feels really great!" Then I'd tilt my head at people cutely, provoking chuckles of approval and a hearty comment from the bosslady. "I must say, that shows initiative! You get a raise." And I'd beam happily, sitting contentedly in a pile of shit, while my co-workers applauded.

Anyway. The ducks came by again the other day, and I was happily watching them splash around in the pool, doing that "I dunk my head for some reason!" thing that they do. Then all of a sudden: CRACK! CRACK! SPLOOSH! What the fuck? The ducks became agitated; invisible things were impacting around them. I craned my head to see what the hell was going on.

One of my neighbors, a hatchet-faced crone, had come out onto her balcony and was THROWING ICE CUBES AT THE DUCKS. Not like lobbing them just to sort of discomfit the poor birds, but hurling them with alarming strength and accuracy at the suddenly quacky little beasts. They flapped piteously while the harridan continued her merciless assault. I stared numbly at this horrible scene, unable to react, until the ducks finally had enough and flew away. The awful hag turned and lurched back into her apartment wordlessly.

Hey, you know what? DON'T HURT MY FUCKING DUCKS, YOU MUMMY! Ice cubes? That's mean. You can't just put out a nice big shiny pool of water out there on the patio and expect innocent waterfowl to ignore it, can you? The whole episode made my gut hurt, and I have ever since been entertaining fantasies about tormenting the elderly, because, you know, who else could I torment without fear of reprisal? Children, I guess.

The real bummer is, since the ice cube incident (Note: terrible name for a rock album), the ducks have not returned, for which I blame the crone. I will have my revenge. Someday soon, I will creep up to her apartment, and stealthily pick the lock, using thiefly skills I assume I have absorbed merely by watching bad cop shows on TV. Then, when I am inside--STALKING HER--I will strike. I will--I hate to be this graphic, but I'm mad--I will withhold her Lorna Doones. Yes. I will snatch them off the counter and hold them above my head. I will be a fucking horrible, cookie-clutching bastard.

"How does it feel now, you wizened husk? J'accuse, duck-pelter! I withhold your cookies!" I will cackle malevolently.

"I'm an old woman! Give me my Lorna Doooooooones!" She will tremulously wail while adjusting her oxygen feed.

But I will not give her the Lorna Doones. I know. It's rough justice.

Don't fuck with my ducks, dammit.

Kritters | Skot | 09 Apr, 2004 |

Note: Comments are closed on old entries.


this is the picture:

the people around here LIKE the ducks, and the geese, that like to hang out around the little lake thingy. They like them so much that they ignore the "do not feed the ducks" signs and throw bread right there beside the road, from their cars. Apparently they don't actually want to go down near the pondlake thing to do this, they just want to do it from their cars. Drivethrough duckfeeding. What that does, of course, is draw all the ducks and geese up to the road where they're often nearly run over by agitated people trying to use the road as a road.

So what I mean is that you need to, after you're finished playing with the woman's lorna doones, ship her here, in a box. I'll aim her at the geese in the street so they stop feeling comfortable there, where they really shouldn't feel comfortable. OR, better yet, I'll aim her at the people who are feeding them. Because they definitely need to be pelted with ice cubes. Repeatedly.

Comment number: 004550   Posted by: i on April 9, 2004 02:19 PM from IP:

Buy some ducklings. Rear them on whiskey. The next ice attack would then become a catalyst for a duck pool party.

Comment number: 004551   Posted by: Frank on April 9, 2004 04:42 PM from IP:

Does she live on the ground floor? Late at night, sneak over and pee under her window. For a week.

Comment number: 004552   Posted by: Cat on April 9, 2004 06:19 PM from IP:

Forget withholding the Lorna Doones, I say you should take a dump on her balcony. Wouldn't a little duck poop in the pool be preferable to someone taking a dump on your balcony? Poetic justice indeed...

Comment number: 004553   Posted by: on April 9, 2004 10:30 PM from IP:

I mean, you said the whole thing made your gut hurt. I'm just saying...

Comment number: 004554   Posted by: on April 9, 2004 10:30 PM from IP:

" I will--I hate to be this graphic, but I'm mad--I will withhold her Lorna Doones. Yes."

holy crap! Brilliant post.

Comment number: 004555   Posted by: candice on April 10, 2004 01:12 PM from IP:

ICE CUBES? Isn't that...against the law or something? Isn't that like throwing rocks at animals, only rocks that melt a slightly lower temperature?
But this post made me think of this song *bursts out in song*
The lyrics are here:

Comment number: 004556   Posted by: Eva on April 11, 2004 05:22 PM from IP:

Naw, I didn't like that story at all, Skot.
You expression of feelings you used were too terse for the message you seemed to be portrying. It's as if you were the mentally twisted, but don't want the crowd to know, offspring of Stephen King.
Keep up the good work.
P.S. I like Ice. And I do like ducks. Peking Style

Comment number: 004557   Posted by: The Iceman on April 12, 2004 06:07 AM from IP:

I had this co-worker who was a fellow graveyard-shift dweller. Big black guy. Loved Lorna Doones.

"Lorna Doones?" I asked. "The butter cookies?"

"Yeah," he said, sheepishly, "I have to only buy the small box, cause otherwise I'll eat a whole large box in one sitting."


Oh, and also, Skot...I don't know if you have MT-Blacklist or something, but you have blocked, which is my primary domain. NO comment spam comes from, and I don't use comment spam to drive traffic to my site. So if you will kindly please remove it from your block list? (The ++'s are there just to get it past the filter!!!)

Comment number: 004558   Posted by: Daniel Talsky on April 13, 2004 10:18 AM from IP:

Daniel, I wish I knew what was up with your site being blocked. If you email me the IP address for tinyplace, I'll make sure it's not one I have blocked--which is only 7 total, and I'm pretty sure they were all spammers, but I'm happy to doublecheck. Beyond that, I don't have any idea why MT would be blocking your site, but as has been frequently noted, I'm not very bright.

Comment number: 004559   Posted by: Skot on April 13, 2004 10:59 AM from IP:

this fascination with ducks in the, you and tony soprano need to get together, pour a couple of scotches, have a little quality time together dialoging your respective duck-worries.

Comment number: 004560   Posted by: julie on April 14, 2004 07:02 AM from IP:

The old "throwing ice cubes" trick, eh? I once used that one a pair of drunken bums fucking on my front lawn. They reacted much the same as the ducks.

Comment number: 004561   Posted by: Robin on April 14, 2004 08:55 AM from IP:

I'd start buying bird seed and spreading it on the pool deck on a regular basis, until the incessant flocks of birds drove away the crones. But that's just me...

Comment number: 004562   Posted by: Jay on April 16, 2004 11:48 AM from IP:

OMG that was funny as hell. i feel bad for the ducks cuz of that witch throwing ice cubes at them.

Comment number: 004563   Posted by: Jojo on November 30, 2004 07:23 AM from IP:

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