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Monday, 15 March
The Yellow Kid

Earlier today as I was blearing around the office, I felt nature's call and stopped by the rest room. I approached the nearest urinal and stared down into a pool of bright yellow. It seemed to glow faintly, and as I stared at this little puddle of malice, I got kind of depressed. I mean, heigh-ho, do your part for the environment and all--I'm not unamenable to saving some flushwater here and there--but man alive . . . not when it's that color. It was just a feeling I got as I stood there, that somehow it's not right to leave your spoor lying around when it's so violently hued and, frankly, kind of alarming and unsettling and weird. Clear piss? No problem! Malevolent, caution-yellow, renal failure piss? Come on, Kidney Avenger, flush it away from innocent eyes.

If you're waiting for this post to start displaying some of the classiness that my tens of readers have come to totally not expect from this weblog, you're going to be really sad.

On the home front, in the new place, the wife and I have basically realized that the central feature of the new pad--in fact, we save it for the end of the guest tour--is, yes, the bathroom. Not the patio. Not the pool. The bathroom.

It's kind of hard to explain without seeing it. The main motif is slate. Blocks of rough-hewn slate cover the walls, and there is not-really-recessed lighting, the kind where the little cylinder hangs from the ceiling with the bulb tucked up inside, so the light pools. This combined with the dark stone walls contribute towards a sort of seedy Mobbish feel to it, like at any moment you could either get a bullet in the brain, or a blowjob from a stripper, depending. Which I must say is pretty exciting brain-fare when you're just trying to find your shaving cream.

Well, not all the walls are as I describe. There is one wall that has full-length mirrors, a nice feature in some bathrooms. Perhaps not this one, however, as the location here is key. First of all, they are directly across from the shower, which to me is largely unimportant: I am blind as a fucking block of wood, so the sight of a damp, writhing pink blob is no more startling than any of the other amorphous fuzzwhats that make up my uncorrected visual field. The wife, however, reports that it takes some getting used to climbing out of the shower only to spy your life-large naked self climbing out of the shower directly across from you.

Which is not to say I'm wholly unaffected by the mirrors. No, I am, in a distinctly more horrible way, because there's still one piece of information I've held back. As I said: On one side is the shower. On the other facing wall are the mirrors. And just below the mirrors is the toilet.

This is in many ways a very curious bit of home decor. Well, for me, very curious from a male point of view (so to speak), considering that, like most non-impaired males, we have the physiological privilege of being able to piss while standing up. This is a birthright that fathers make sure to inform their male kids of at earliest opportunity, frequently at a lonely roadside on some long car trip. But at least for me, something I am emphatically not used to is seeing me piss, full face on, two feet from myself. It was, in fact, extremely disquieting the first few times I did it, because let's get down to brass tacks here: there I was, idly pissing, staring as men frequently do down into the bowl. (Hey, I think I'll aim at that little piece of tissue! Bam, direct hit! Yes, we shoot at stuff, because we can, and we are, after all, just silly boys.) Then I looked up. And there I was. Holding my doppelwanger, pissing.

It was really strange. I mean, I see myself piss from the skull-cam all the time, but this was brand new. For one thing, I suddenly felt deeply self-conscious about that guy across from me holding his weirdo penis. Hey, pal, I felt like shouting, put your dick away! Jesus! Then I got kind of weirdly clinical, and started thinking unkind thoughts about this alien penis glaring at me from the mirror. Is that the right color for that thing? It looked vaguely wrong. I mean, all penises are kind of wrong-looking, and weirdly hilarious; they sort of flop around unpredictably, and are kind of excitable, and there's just no talking to them at all. Penises do what they want. They are not inscrutable and enigmatic like, say, vaginas. There is nothing less enigmatic than a penis.

Finally, after a while of this, I was done pissing, and so was my new pal over there. But I stood there a second longer, thinking, There's something else. Something else that looks weird. What? Then after a moment, I had it. I know what it is. I just thought . . . I just thought it would look . . . bigger.

Confess | Skot | 15 Mar, 2004 |

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Comments

First comment!

Comment number: 004463   Posted by: Daniel Talsky on March 15, 2004 09:07 PM from IP: 216.231.50.124

Second Comment!

Comment number: 004464   Posted by: Daniel Talsky on March 15, 2004 09:08 PM from IP: 216.231.50.124

ay. i hate watching myself pee too. i'm not a fan of public restrooms because of the prospect of people seeing, or even hearing me tinkle. and having a mirror there is like having someone stare at me head-on while i'm taking care of business. too much pressure. so it's the sink for me.

Comment number: 004465   Posted by: nick on March 15, 2004 09:09 PM from IP: 68.89.156.255

RE: Yellow urine. It may be worth your time to invest in a small bottle of food coloring, which can be used to humorous effect in urinals. A few droplets of red dye, combined with a look of quivering pain, can result in serious comic hijinx.

Comment number: 004466   Posted by: Adam on March 15, 2004 10:31 PM from IP: 67.171.16.150

I would like to heartily congratulate you on the word 'doppelwanger'. This, I will steal. Although I'm not sure how often I'm going to get to use it.

The word, I mean.

Comment number: 004467   Posted by: stavrosthewonderchicken on March 16, 2004 01:25 AM from IP: 169.140.249.4

Hey, but you can brush your hair while you piss. Saves time.

Comment number: 004468   Posted by: i on March 16, 2004 05:37 AM from IP: 141.156.117.66

"doppelwanger"

awesome. truly awesome.

Comment number: 004469   Posted by: cleek on March 16, 2004 06:41 AM from IP: 209.116.70.133

Nothing to worry about...remember that objects in mirror are larger than they appear. Or is that closer than they appear; now, that would be worrisome.

Comment number: 004470   Posted by: Eddie on March 16, 2004 08:42 AM from IP: 4.21.45.2

Comedy gold.

Comment number: 004471   Posted by: senn on March 16, 2004 10:39 AM from IP: 137.53.85.134

Your bathroom is not perhaps as wierd as the bathrooms in the airports in Germany. The urinals are all in one big normal room, but the toilets are all in little private closets. This would be ideal except that the ceilings are very high and they do not shorten the little toilet closets at all so there are astounding echo effects. Plus the doors go all the way up to the ceiling as well so it is kind of like entering an extremely small cathedral for fecal worship. Spooooooky.

Comment number: 004472   Posted by: Greg Mizer on March 16, 2004 04:52 PM from IP: 24.145.189.3

"Skull cam..." That's brilliant.

Comment number: 004473   Posted by: Miel on March 16, 2004 07:23 PM from IP: 68.160.128.151

I went to the bathroom shortly after reading this and while I don't have a toilet mirror I still was thinking about it the whole time. Especially since I was pissing bright yellow - not highlighter yellow but close. Except I had taken a multi-vitamin this morning which is the cause - if I had been taking two a day for several days as the bottle recommends the toilet bowl would be glowing. So I'm afraid the urine mystery isn't as exciting as you may have thought. But your post was especially hilarious anyway.

Comment number: 004474   Posted by: Nurhan on March 16, 2004 09:06 PM from IP: 68.231.70.212

"renal failure" yellow, as you stated, is not actually bright yellow. It is, in fact, more of a brown color, and would not be produced in sufficient amounts as to leave a large pool of it. So, while unusual, it was probably either a vitamin or dietary induced splash of color.

Comment number: 004475   Posted by: on March 17, 2004 02:13 AM from IP: 67.170.170.106

If it would make you feel better, you could stencil the little "objects in mirror are larger than they appear" on the mirror, but if you're going to do it, do so soon. There are moves afoot in many cities to ban the handy little markers that etch glass (use a pocket protector with that one!), since taggers have taken to using them on store's large, plate-glass windows.

Comment number: 004476   Posted by: DaveP on March 17, 2004 08:30 AM from IP: 208.210.144.28

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