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skot AT izzlepfaff DOT com

Friday, 13 February
Movin' On Up

Rounding out a week of listless dickpulling, today I experienced the vertiginous highs and the bottomed-out lows of that remarkable office experience: moving to a new office.

It's actually pretty cool. See, a couple years ago, I got attached to a project (well, a couple of projects, but they are all mind-bogglingly boring, so let's just fold them into one) in which I was given a nice raise, but was also required to move down a floor to live in the jabbery squalor that is Geekrealm. I also sacrificed my real office, getting instead a cubicle, surrounded by a very multi-culti assortment of gearheads, sysadmins, coders, database gnomes, application nudniks, and other unidentifiable wingnuts who occasionally sent me unasked-for Photoshop renditions of various other co-workers with sudden, alarming monkey heads. Whatever. It hardly mattered, since even when they actually spoke the English language (not a given: the geeks are, variously, Chinese, Spanish, Indian, Romanian, and, always hilariously, Canadian), I still didn't know what the fuck they were talking about. I still don't know what a "sproc" is, though I heard the term enough for it to haunt my dreams. It's probably Tagalog for "cheese pizza."

So long, geeks! And here's the thing: through basically dead dumb chance, I scored a really cherry corner office all of my own back up on my original floor. In fact, it's so swank (corner office! On the 20th floor! I can see the mountains!) that there was some grumbling by others on the floor (most of whom either reside singly in cubes or share similar offices), to the tune of: "Why does that guy get the best office on the floor while the rest of us suckers have to share farts with everyone else?"

Good question. I talked with the Bosslady about this for a while, and she made two good points. The first was, "Well, apart from T. and K., who are perfectly happy where they are, you have seniority." Which is, alarmingly enough, true--alarming mainly because I realized I've been at this place a long time, and yet I still think of myself as kind of a frightening dingbat who lucked into a job he has no business attempting. But her second point was much more relevant: "We also couldn't imagine putting anyone else in a shared office with you."

No, really, she said that. To which I replied, "Yeah. That's why I never thought I'd make it back out of a cube." Bosslady laughed and said, "Well, have fun. And if anyone gives you grief about it, you can send them to me." Fat chance. Besides, she was right. It makes me sound like a real asshole, but I'd make any office mate utterly miserable, because I'm, well, an asshole. And while I'm cautiously liked (generally), most others know this too. You'd have to be insane to want to share office space with me, and I'd have to be insane to even consider accepting such an arrangement. But anyway, I said, "Nobody will ever say anything to my face about it. They'll just grumble behind my back. Which saves me the trouble of having to care." Bosslady replied, "Exactly." The apparent moral: It pays to be an asshole. We could possibly also make a case for this precept in Capitalism 101.

And so it came to pass. Movers were brought in--there were several coordinated moves happening simultaneously--and many of us spent time standing around watching burly men shuffle shit around. I was delighted to actually hear one mover guy: when a woman asked if he'd be careful with her plant, he really said "Yuh." A guy down on the floor I was vacating took the trouble to send out a fulsome email wishing me all the best (cc:ing the entire floor), which was met with a vast silence. Who? Who's leaving? What? Oh. It's that dumbfuck who didn't even know what "sproc" meant.

Note: Comments are closed on old entries.


What an exciting month for you-- new living AND new working quarters!! What a bonanza of moving! Two moves within two weeks of each other-- wowza! No wonder you're an asshole... you've had to deal with moving, TWICE in less than a month.

Comment number: 004352   Posted by: on February 13, 2004 09:46 AM from IP:

How strange...that must be like a ehole new life. Good luck!

Comment number: 004353   Posted by: SJ on February 13, 2004 11:00 AM from IP:

Mountains?? Who cares about those? I look out on the courtyard at the 50 year old fountain that never works in the atrium of this 50 year old building. You got the shaft.

Comment number: 004354   Posted by: Stacey on February 13, 2004 12:14 PM from IP:

Mountains?? Who cares about those? I look out on the courtyard at the 50 year old fountain that never works in the atrium of this 50 year old building. You got the shaft.

Comment number: 004355   Posted by: Stacey on February 13, 2004 12:15 PM from IP:

Courtyards? Non-working fountains? Big whoop! I have the best view of all: the blank wall across the hall from my office.

It's heaven on earth!

Comment number: 004356   Posted by: Dave on February 13, 2004 12:44 PM from IP:

By the by, the enigmatic "sproc" stands for "Stored Procedure" in gnomish slang. A Stored Procedure is a set of instructions saved into a database that provide a shortcut for complicated operations on data stored in the database's tables, sort of like a macro. And congrats on the new digs. My coworkers share similar angst at my location, the only "modular office" in the entire company that has both privacy and a view. No actual door, but only one shared wall and an almost private no-doors-cube-wall corridor accessing it. It's pitiful how such tiny favors and slights enrage my coworkers. Pitiful and hilarious.

Comment number: 004357   Posted by: Edwin on February 15, 2004 11:03 AM from IP:

I'm utterly confused by Edwin. I was under the impression that a "sproc" was merely a shortened form of what Spaceley made in the "Jetson's" cartoon show. Sprocket-Sproc, it only made sense, regardless of whether or not it was in Tagalog.

Comment number: 004358   Posted by: Fissell on February 15, 2004 04:48 PM from IP:

Congrats on the cherry office...'Cherry' is such a good word when you use it but I just tried it out on a friend and it doesn't work for me. Thanks, though. I forgot all about 'cherry.'

Good offices rock. I have a couch and realize that I must now keep this job for life--no matter what horrid future awaits-- because the thought of a job without my own couch cannot be borne. My office is also better than my co-workers--who are probably better than me. Seniority rules!

Comment number: 004359   Posted by: Miel on February 15, 2004 07:01 PM from IP:

We have a couch on our porch where my friends smoke various substances. They went out for a smoke last night and I brought out the laptop (w/wifi of course) and broke open a can of izzlepfaff on their asses.

They sat there smoking and laughing until they shook. Even I was losing my shit, even though I'd read them all before. I said, "It's not like this is a one time deal, he writes like this on an ongoing basis." You are one funny motherfucker, Skot.

We're all in Seattle and are getting curious enough that we might come see one of your shows one of these got something coming up?

I, Asshole, another seattle blogger:
an I were talking about you the other day, she's pretty funny herself and was still saying reading your blog made her want to just quit sometimes.

Where is my point? On top of my head.

Comment number: 004360   Posted by: Daniel Talsky on February 16, 2004 03:37 PM from IP:

Hey, thanks, Daniel, I appreciate the praise. (And I've read I, Asshole many a time and have dug it very much, just FYI.)

Nothing upcoming for theater as of yet--I'm still taking a much-needed break after doing back-to-back shows. Also, it looks like I'm moving at the end of the month, Christ help me. Also, nobody's asked me to do anything. I'm the world's laziest actor--I never audition unless someone says, "Hey, stupid, come audition."

But if something comes up, I'm sure I'll babble about it here.

Comment number: 004361   Posted by: Skot on February 17, 2004 09:33 AM from IP:

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