skot AT izzlepfaff DOT com
Monday, 12 January
Number Two! Engage!
Comment spam? NOT IN MY HOUSE! My last five commenters:
I like to think of these people as party guests, which is pleasing, mental-image-wise. I think of Lesbians hanging out chatting with Snowboarding Boots.
But really, BASTARDS! What to do with these miscreants? Well, if you're like me, nothing, because I don't know what the hell I'm doing around here anyway. So I just went to the bathroom, filled with gastrointestinal wrath.
Which turned out to be another awful situation that I had to suffer through, because here's the thing: I have this pathological neurosis about making embarrassing toilet noises. And others, ah . . . well, they clearly don't. How I wish I were one of these people, but I'm not, so if I'm in the work bathroom and someone else walks in . . . well, I just sit there. Quietly. Clamping down on whatever awful freight is anxiously awaiting its release, in agony, until the bathroom is empty again.
I know this is my problem. But it causes me suffering.
And it's not necessarily just butt-noise related (though it usually is). Having just returned from yet another psychologically shattering bathroom experience, I will simply say this: I can handle being at a urinal next to some guy. I can even handle said guy lamely attempting conversation (though I hate this). I can even handle--because it's pretty funny--those guys who do the two-hands-on-the-wall, lean-and-piss thing, who look like they're waiting to be frisked. But there are some things the mind is not prepared to accept, and one of them is standing next to some guy at a urinal, and he is whistling "Tiny Dancer."
This sort of thing is distressingly common in the public bathroom (and yes, this will probably get disgusting), especially for nutfucks like me who are neurotic about this to the point of frenzy. Is there anything more harrowing than The Grunter?
(Sounds of unzipping and pants flopping around ankles. Pause.)
At this point, I usually can be found in the next stall over, bursting into flames. Or there's also the unnameable horror known as The Sigher:
(Unzip, pantsflop, etc.)
The Sigher always sounds very plaintive and sad, as if he's burying several young relatives.
I'm going to have to get over all this somehow. It's just too punishing for me. So if you happen to enter a public bathroom sometime soon, and there's a guy in there, farting merrily while singing the old Slade song "Run Runaway," that's me, just working through my issues.
Note: Comments are closed on old entries.
that post made me cry, i laughed so hard. thank you, i totally needed that today.
the grunter is really bad when he is at the urinal. taking a shit is hard work, but if you need to make noise while peeing, you really ought to be in the emergency room.
my own all-time favorite (yes, a Met Park story again) was a guy about ten years ago when cell phones were still NEW and VERY IMPORTANT. I'm watering the flowers, when from a stall comes the chirpyt burble of mr. peabrain's phone.
It rings and rings and rings.
Finally, he picks it up, and very hestitantly says, "hello?"
"um, oh, nothing, um, you know..."
I flush. And leave, chuckling, overhearing him asking his phone partner to repeat that last bit, as he didn't catch it.
If you're using Movable Type (many people are, so this may not be a totally baseless suggestion), there is a plugin for it that uses CAPTCHA (completely automated public Turing test to tell computers and humans apart) technology to foil the bots that leave automated spam comments. I don't know what it's called (not running MT, myself), but my friend, Joel (http://www.joelswift.com) does, and he's using the plugin, and I'm sure he'd be willing to tell you what it is he's running, were you to ask. It basically ends up requiring posters to type in a number presented in an image format before they can post, and should fool all but the most intelligent bots.
Just a thought.
I've never been able to even pee in a public restroom where others were present without serious (and I mean SERIOUS) concentration.
The worst, and fortunately the only especially bad, bathroom experience I had was at a 4th of July show in San Diego. Of course there a huge line snaking out the bathroom, and right in up to about two feet behind you. No personal space whatsoever. I'm a little nervous. Then this guy walks out of the toilette and says, I quote, "Godamn, check out that cheese log!" (meaning of course that he intentionally didn't flush so others might admire) I was dumfounded. It was now my turn at the urinal - but it was no good since I was in post traumatic shock and just stood there pathetically pretending to pee, even flushed. EEEUUUUuuugh.
What Happens When I'm At WORK and I have to Poop?
For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the.........
Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car & speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the shitter. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): This is a group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: A pooper who does not realize that you're in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have been know to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably causes you to pinch one off in the middle.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
DEFENTIONS OF Poop
CLEAN Poop: The kind where you Poop it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the paper.
WET Poop: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels un-wiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain.
SECOND WAVE Poop: This happens when you're done Pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to Poop some more.
POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD-Poop: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG Poop: The kind of Poop that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSEY Poop: It's so noisy, everyone within earshot giggles.
DRINKER Poop: The kind of Poop you have the morning after a night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN Poop: (Self-explanatory)
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-Poop-Poop: The kind where you want to Poop, but all you do is set on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP Poop: This is when it hurts so badly coming out you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS Poop: (The Power Dump). The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
LIQUID Poop: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
MEXICAN Poop:It smells so badly that your nose burns.
UPPER CLASS Poop: The kind of Poop that has no odor.
THE SURPRISE Poop: You are not at the toilet because you think you are about to fart but...oops...a
Poop!!! THE DANGLING Poop: This Poop refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done Pooping it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
I'm reasonably sure you are using MT, so give Jay Allen's MT-Blacklist a whirl. I haven't had a drop of comment spam since installing it.
(Also, who is this Rory at www.drewmcdermott.com? Inquiring ego-surfers want to know.)
I can handle most anything in the shitter (sure, I _prefer_ to have my solitude whilst sitting, but I'm a realist), but I think I finally met my match.
Enter Mr. Type-A Personality Sales Dildo. I can hear him babbling on his cell phone before he even opens the door to the bathroom. Bursts in with great self-importance and enters the stall next to me, not breaking a beat in his discussion. Unzip, depant, sit down. Still talking. Multiple plops, slight pause in seemingly ceaseless tirade... larger plop. Begin chattering excitedly again. Loud, burbling flatus, with noticeable mid-sentence grunt. More plops. Toilet paper roll spins, wipe wipe wipe. Toilet paper roll spins, more wipeage. Really reaching stride in speech. Flush, wash, out the door.
If I _ever_ have a phone call that I determine is that important, someone please just push me from the top of a building. I will thank you from the afterlife.
I'm the Rory at drewmcdermott.com. Unlike you, Rory is not my real name, but a nickname derived from the alias I used on MeFi, while playing Counterstrike, etc. Basically, it's a nickname of a nickname. Soon people will be calling me Ror, and then R, I suspect. Lazy ass motherfuckers.
Egad. How meta.
To the helpful:
We are using Jay Allen's MT-Blacklist, but frankly, it can't keep up. Dave: I'll check out Joel's site. That may be a keeper.
I usually refer to an upcoming (and likely) prolonged bathrooom visit as "Dropping the kids off at the pool".
passing a bill
holding a filibuster
I want that song. With a huge p-a-s-s-i-o-n (comments won't let me post the word without the dashes?). Off to iTunes.
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