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Monday, 19 January
I Have Strangely Insignificant Psychic Powers

Happily, this was the most exciting thing that happened all weekend:

Today, around 4:00, the wife called me (she had to work), wondering if it was OK if she brought her friend C. around so we could go out for a drink together. I said that was fine.

As soon as I hung up the phone, I was struck by the strangest thought. I said to myself, I'll just bet you that C. will want to use the bathroom when she gets here. I know it. C. seems like the kind of girl who just pisses all the time. And don't get me wrong--I like C. very much. I just had the sneaking suspicion that she has doglike pee habits, and marks her presence with a kind of canine determinedness.

So I went to survey the bathroom, which was in its usual Superfund state. (The wife and I are persnickety about some things, but cleaning the bathroom is, sadly, not one of them.) So in a paroxysm of weirdly urocentric precognition, I set about cleaning the toilet, which is pretty much just humbling as hell. Nobody can possibly look dignified cleaning a toilet. In fact, next time you pick up a toilet brush, go over and look at yourself in the mirror. I did. I stood in front of the mirror and held up the toilet brush as if it were an enchanted sword, posing grandly, Lord of the Rings-style. Terrible. I was far from Tolkeinesque. I wasn't even Lynchian. I was, however, vaguely Ken Russell material.

Anyway. Shortly after I finished murdering millions of slime molds, the wife and C. showed up. We exchanged greetings; coats were doffed. And C. said, "I'm going to use your bathroom!" (Not said in response: "See if you can spot the cameras!")

I smiled inwardly. These uncanny powers must only be used for good.


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

be humbled no more Scot. there is a toilet brush on the market designed by Philippe Stark named...Excalibur! no kidding.

Comment number: 004212   Posted by: never mind that on January 20, 2004 10:36 AM from IP: 64.114.150.131

Uncanny powers?
Sorry, Skot, but everyone knows that us women have bladders the size of a walnut.

Comment number: 004213   Posted by: dayment on January 20, 2004 10:55 AM from IP: 12.228.98.163

Yep, I gotta agree with dayment. All my friends know to have the bathroom light on when I get there.

Comment number: 004214   Posted by: Stacey on January 20, 2004 11:45 AM from IP: 24.238.153.188

Must you deny me even my most delusional victories?

Comment number: 004215   Posted by: Skot on January 20, 2004 11:49 AM from IP: 140.107.120.123

use your powers of egocentric self-delusion, Skot! Reclaim the victory!

(Besides, the ladies fail to note the the amazing fact: a HUSBAND *CLEANED* THE BATHROOM. Despite your casual violation of union work rules, it is commendable, and also excusable based on your delusional state at the time)

Comment number: 004216   Posted by: mike whybark on January 20, 2004 11:53 AM from IP: 216.173.212.234

Dude, that's hella cool. Can you use your powers to tell me whether The Surreal Life is going to suck?

Comment number: 004217   Posted by: anapestic on January 20, 2004 01:00 PM from IP: 66.160.108.162

>urocentric

This word needs to be vigorously promulgated throughout the media.

Comment number: 004218   Posted by: j on January 20, 2004 04:03 PM from IP: 137.113.69.120

ok, i feel the need to share now--i thought i was the only one who had moments like this. this sort of thing happens to me all the time. Someone will be talking about a member of a sports team, and i'll think, "I bet they wear #18", and they will. or, someone will mention a person (i.e., "i saw my uncle today"), and i will think, "your uncle george," and that will be the person's name. sometimes it's even creepier than this, and it happens at least once a week. please tell me this happens to other people, too...

Comment number: 004219   Posted by: candice on January 21, 2004 04:14 PM from IP: 199.106.86.2

That is sort of uncanny except--I thought everyone needed to pee all the time! Still, the reasoning process suggests that you did not know this, etc. Hence, I am impressed.

Comment number: 004220   Posted by: Miel on January 21, 2004 11:15 PM from IP: 151.203.112.211

See, three other things:

1. I'm a guy. Spontaneously cleaning the toilet is highly aberrant behavior.

2. My bladder is roughly the size of Nebraska. I think about pissing about once every election cycle.

3. Frankly, everyone should pose in the mirror with a toilet brush at least once in their lives. It's pretty groovy.

Comment number: 004221   Posted by: Skot on January 21, 2004 11:44 PM from IP: 63.187.233.175

testing somthing

Comment number: 004222   Posted by: Cat on January 28, 2004 03:35 AM from IP: 67.166.82.95

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