skot AT izzlepfaff DOT com
Monday, 19 January
I Have Strangely Insignificant Psychic Powers
Happily, this was the most exciting thing that happened all weekend:
Today, around 4:00, the wife called me (she had to work), wondering if it was OK if she brought her friend C. around so we could go out for a drink together. I said that was fine.
As soon as I hung up the phone, I was struck by the strangest thought. I said to myself, I'll just bet you that C. will want to use the bathroom when she gets here. I know it. C. seems like the kind of girl who just pisses all the time. And don't get me wrong--I like C. very much. I just had the sneaking suspicion that she has doglike pee habits, and marks her presence with a kind of canine determinedness.
So I went to survey the bathroom, which was in its usual Superfund state. (The wife and I are persnickety about some things, but cleaning the bathroom is, sadly, not one of them.) So in a paroxysm of weirdly urocentric precognition, I set about cleaning the toilet, which is pretty much just humbling as hell. Nobody can possibly look dignified cleaning a toilet. In fact, next time you pick up a toilet brush, go over and look at yourself in the mirror. I did. I stood in front of the mirror and held up the toilet brush as if it were an enchanted sword, posing grandly, Lord of the Rings-style. Terrible. I was far from Tolkeinesque. I wasn't even Lynchian. I was, however, vaguely Ken Russell material.
Anyway. Shortly after I finished murdering millions of slime molds, the wife and C. showed up. We exchanged greetings; coats were doffed. And C. said, "I'm going to use your bathroom!" (Not said in response: "See if you can spot the cameras!")
I smiled inwardly. These uncanny powers must only be used for good.
Note: Comments are closed on old entries.
be humbled no more Scot. there is a toilet brush on the market designed by Philippe Stark named...Excalibur! no kidding.
Yep, I gotta agree with dayment. All my friends know to have the bathroom light on when I get there.
Must you deny me even my most delusional victories?
use your powers of egocentric self-delusion, Skot! Reclaim the victory!
(Besides, the ladies fail to note the the amazing fact: a HUSBAND *CLEANED* THE BATHROOM. Despite your casual violation of union work rules, it is commendable, and also excusable based on your delusional state at the time)
Dude, that's hella cool. Can you use your powers to tell me whether The Surreal Life is going to suck?
This word needs to be vigorously promulgated throughout the media.
ok, i feel the need to share now--i thought i was the only one who had moments like this. this sort of thing happens to me all the time. Someone will be talking about a member of a sports team, and i'll think, "I bet they wear #18", and they will. or, someone will mention a person (i.e., "i saw my uncle today"), and i will think, "your uncle george," and that will be the person's name. sometimes it's even creepier than this, and it happens at least once a week. please tell me this happens to other people, too...
That is sort of uncanny except--I thought everyone needed to pee all the time! Still, the reasoning process suggests that you did not know this, etc. Hence, I am impressed.
See, three other things:
1. I'm a guy. Spontaneously cleaning the toilet is highly aberrant behavior.
2. My bladder is roughly the size of Nebraska. I think about pissing about once every election cycle.
3. Frankly, everyone should pose in the mirror with a toilet brush at least once in their lives. It's pretty groovy.
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