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Wednesday, 12 November
The Holiday Spirit Attacks!

It's the holiday season, you hopeless bivalves! It's time to get into the spirit! Don't you watch television? Make with the fucking JOLLY, people! Don't make me send John Madden after you to gnaw on your cankles with his gigantic, awful teeth! I've even written you a new holiday classic to sing! Go pound on your neighbors' doors until they unlatch the deadbolts and stand there horrified while you lustily scream this song into their haunted, weeping faces! It's a gorgeous ode to the fucking QUEST FOR SANTA in the dire Arctic wasteland, for Christ's sake, sung to the tune of the immortal "Winter Wonderland!" GET TO IT! Spread some goddamn holiday cheer today or I'll set your fucking hair on fire! Happy holidays!

Over the ground lies a death-shroud of white
A Gehenna of zirconia
Shine down through the night
My heart is convulsing
Life signs waning, erratically pulsing . . .

Lashes freeze, they are cracking
In my feet, feeling lacking
A frightening white, I'm losing my sight
Walking in an Arctic tundra-land

Gone away are my senses
A bad rhyme here would be "menses"
I'm hypothermic, I can't feel my dick
Walking in an Arctic tundra-land

In the ice-white I can build an igloo
And pretend that I soon won't be dead
I'll sit there and curse that fat-ass Santa
I'd love to find him and remove his head

Later on I'll expire
As I fail to build a fire
I'm surrounded by white, I'm losing my sight
Dying in this arctic tundra-land.


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

/me shuts the door in Skot's face, and calls the cops

Comment number: 003869   Posted by: avogadro on November 12, 2003 06:29 AM from IP: 24.75.116.130

I embrace this ode. It encapsulates how I am feeling about the holidays at this moment.

Comment number: 003870   Posted by: Stacey on November 12, 2003 08:21 AM from IP: 129.106.21.180

Go see Elf.
It'll make you feel better.

Comment number: 003871   Posted by: dayment on November 12, 2003 09:18 AM from IP: 66.167.53.14

I doubt it. Will Ferrell gives me hives.

Comment number: 003872   Posted by: Skot on November 12, 2003 09:21 AM from IP: 140.107.120.123

Skot believes that he's singin'
But he leaves our ears ringin'
Not stichometry, no way it's poesy,
The critics always get the upperhand.

Comment number: 003873   Posted by: a fond critic on November 12, 2003 01:38 PM from IP: 216.161.136.219

cankles, haha.

Comment number: 003874   Posted by: livie on November 12, 2003 01:51 PM from IP: 69.44.73.131

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/theater/147812_abstract12.html

Hed: "Silly Premise can't stifle 'Abstract Expression' "

and

"Guhr is great as the painter, and Kurruk is wonderful as his son."

among other things.

Comment number: 003875   Posted by: mike on November 12, 2003 02:11 PM from IP: 216.173.212.237

Reminds me of my days living on the border of Canada. Love the song. But don't you live in a warm clime (or semi-warm Western area)?

I will pay $20,000
Paying for my stupid heating bill
While Seasonal Attitude Disorder
Slowly eats away my happiness and will

This refrain might be rather hard to sing. That Irving Berlin! It's a lot harder than it looks.

Comment number: 003876   Posted by: Miel on November 12, 2003 08:07 PM from IP: 68.160.135.102

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