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Friday, 21 November
Reasons To Stay Home

Something's up. Over the past couple days, I have been sort of unrelentingly obsessed with the incredible terribleness of the films of Cuba Gooding Jr. Seriously, I'll just be walking home from work or eating dinner or something, and then all of a sudden I'll think, "Cuba Gooding Jr. released Snow Dogs and Boat Trip in the same year. Christ, that's depressing." Maybe it's a hangover from suffering through the toothachey ads for Radio, the movie that seems to ask the question, "Why doesn't Ed Harris fire his agent?"

Now, of course I haven't seen any of these films, and I never intend to, because (I've said this before) I Prejudge Movies. And it works pretty well for me; Cuba Gooding Jr. has become a definite warning sign, although I do have a fondness for his work in Coming to America as "Boy Getting Haircut." But there's plenty of stuff out there to be frightened of.

I don't even think I have to say anything about The Cat in the Hat, as it is clearly wretched, and was made by demented, crabwalking shadow beasts who hate children.

Gothika requires the audience-endurance of Penelope Cruz, so that's out. Timeline is scripted by indefatigable hack Michael Crichton and features intolerable creatures like Billy Connolly and that little shit from 2 Fast 2 Furious. Doomed. (I noted the luckless David Thewlis lurking at the bottom of the cast list too.)

You know, even if it turns out that The Last Samurai is a good film (directed by Edward Zwick?!), nothing will prevent me from laughing at Tom Cruise. I've seen the trailer in the theater a couple of times, and the audiences were, shall we say, less than reverent at the spectacle of professional tiny person Cruise boshswuckling it up on the big screen. (Alarming detail just noticed: this film also, mystifyingly, has Billy Connolly.) In anticipation of what I predict will be terrible box office, I have mentally rechristened this picture: Far And Away 2: Kung Fu!

A promising offering, though, might be The Haunted Mansion, which could turn out be the flat-out fuck-you nutclutcher horror film of the year. Anything that has Eddie Murphy playing the lead these days certainly makes me clammy; but the real clincher is this IMDB summary: "When a workaholic visits a haunted house with his family during a job interview, he meets a ghost that teaches him a lesson about the importance of the family that he has neglected."


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.


Go see Elf.
I've seen it twice now.
It's wonderful.

Comment number: 003936   Posted by: dayment on November 21, 2003 02:22 PM from IP:

I share your opinion of Cat. It's probably worse than Grinch, which I could only stand a few minutes of.

Comment number: 003937   Posted by: beerzie boy on November 21, 2003 03:00 PM from IP:


Comment number: 003938   Posted by: Cat on November 21, 2003 05:05 PM from IP:

How about Troy?

Comment number: 003939   Posted by: petrol on November 22, 2003 01:25 AM from IP:

I liked Radio better when it was The Waterboy.

Heh heh heh.

Comment number: 003940   Posted by: Josh on November 22, 2003 11:18 AM from IP:

did you just (albeit tongue in cheek) just say that haunted mansion was promising? brrrr? cold day in hell, indeed!

Comment number: 003941   Posted by: susannah on November 22, 2003 11:54 AM from IP:

Dances With Samurai may end up being a decent flick, but I just know it's going to produce a bunch of whiteboy ronin-poseurs. Haven't seen any ads for the Official Gil Hibben "Last Samurai" Collector's Sword, but it wouldn't surprise me in the least.

Re. the films of Mr. Gooding Jr., I did sit through Men of Honor once, but I had the advantage of being strapped into a DC-10.

Comment number: 003942   Posted by: Lanie on November 22, 2003 06:54 PM from IP:

I have seen Timeline, and it's completely terrible. The film employs - I kid you not - a ticking countdown to heighten the jeopardy of its' time travelers. See, there's only SIX HOURS to save them - both now, and then. So time and space do mean something, after all!

it's deeply awful. not hateful, just stupid,

Comment number: 003943   Posted by: mike whybark on November 22, 2003 09:00 PM from IP:

So, Cuba Gooding is your Sam Neill, Skot?

Comment number: 003944   Posted by: kaf on November 22, 2003 09:10 PM from IP:

Heh. Well, I have to see "Far and Away 2" just on principle as I see any Samarai movie that comes out. But it's just not the same since Mifune died.

Comment number: 003945   Posted by: Miel on November 22, 2003 10:32 PM from IP:

P.S. Eventually I'd like to know your thoughts on Val Kilmer.

Comment number: 003946   Posted by: Miel on November 23, 2003 06:46 PM from IP:

I saw Looney Tunes: Back in Action this weekend. I know, Branden Fraser, so probably an automatic out for you, but it was a much better movie than Space Jam (though I guess that's not really what one would call an accomplishment). I rather enjoyed it, however.

(I should note for those, unlike Skot, who don't know me: I suffer from a severe lack of critical facilities. Although I was aware enough to realize Legally Blonde 2 was pure swill).

Comment number: 003947   Posted by: Rob Drimmie on November 24, 2003 07:33 AM from IP:

I automatically boycott any movie whose trailer features two people in a car/train/cockpit screaming "Aaaaaaaaa!" as they hurtle towards a chasm/fireball/oncoming train. You'd be amazed how many pictures this rules out.

Comment number: 003948   Posted by: oinkment on November 24, 2003 08:11 AM from IP:

Miel, if you take a look at Real Genius, you realize that there isn't much to do any more but write the eulogy on old Val's career. It's a little horrifying to say that--it's kind of mean to sum up an actor's best work by pointing to a limp-dick 80s teen comedy--but there you go. What else can you do? You certainly can't watch baffling debacles like The Doors or Red Planet. The line on the man is that he has an ego the size of an asteroid, but if you take a look at his IMDB listings . . . holy moly. It's kind of shocking if he gets a cheese commercial any more.

Hey Rob--the wife attended college with Mr. Fraser, so we have a soft spot. Probably in our skulls. He can be forgiven for many crimes after his really nice work in Gods and Monsters.

Comment number: 003949   Posted by: Skot on November 24, 2003 08:14 AM from IP:

Weirdly, you're the second person I've heard say that they have a soft spot for the ol' Encino Man because they attended post-secondary with him -- and the first one claimed to have attended school with him in Calgary. Now that I think about it, that person was obviously slightly veracity-challenged, but that's still weird. (As for me, I just like the way Mr Fraser rocks a loincloth.) As for efficient film-screening, I avoid like Ebola anything that is described as "zany," "wacky," or "fun for the whole family!" and I think I'm the better for it.

Comment number: 003950   Posted by: Robin on November 24, 2003 05:29 PM from IP:

So you don't like Billy Connolly? Ever see any of his stand-up? Didn't you like him in "Mrs. Brown"(with dame Judy Dench)?

Comment number: 003951   Posted by: Anna on November 25, 2003 05:28 AM from IP:

Skot has hated Billy Connolly ever since he replaced Doctor Johnny Fever in Head of the Class. Those poor genius kids, forced to suffer through an unrelenting Scottish schtick when they should have been learning history!!

Comment number: 003952   Posted by: Snarky on November 25, 2003 05:34 AM from IP:

So you don't like Billy Connolly?


Ever see any of his stand-up?


Didn't you like him in "Mrs. Brown"(with dame Judy Dench)?

Bees are on the what now?

Skot has hated Billy Connolly ever since he replaced Doctor Johnny Fever in Head of the Class.

As usual, Snark cuts right to the heart of things.

Comment number: 003953   Posted by: Skot on November 25, 2003 07:29 AM from IP:

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