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Friday, 12 September
The Campaign Is Unpredictable

As always--by which of course I mean "by hardly ever"--I'm not prepared to let this go. I will see this Stoltz campaign live, and if that means I have to make more shit up, then by God I will. With that in mind, I now present the seminal interview that will sew this fucker up. Ladies and gentlemen, Colin Quinn.

IP: Hello, Colin.

CQ: Hello, Skot.

IP: Just call me Izzle.

CQ: Eat a dick. Even Stoltz wouldn't call you that. And he's a fairy.

IP: He's a what?

CQ: A fairy. A queer. Don't mind me. I do that all the time.

IP: Do what?

CQ: Make unsupportable statements about people who are usually not in a position to refute them. Or those without much political clout. It kills me.

IP: Why would you do that?

CQ: It's a hedge. I'm really not very funny. In fact, I'm about as funny as sixty-five hangnails.

IP: I see.

CQ And yet I have a TV show! This is a great country. Eat some of this cheese they got here. We get it from the government.

IP: You do?

CQ: Oh yeah. We're funded by the Parks Department. Basically, the Feds give me free cheese if I agree not to make any movies. It's so sweet. I don't know when that fairy David Spade will figure out the fix.

IP: Why do you insist upon using the derogative "fairies"?

CQ: It's funny to say. Like "butt pirates" or "Bostonites." Check this: "Bostonites are a bunch of fairies. What a bunch of butt pirates."

IP: Aren't you a Bostonite?

CQ: (Pause) Oh, man. You're good.

IP: So why the support for Eric Stoltz/Digable Planets in 2004?

CQ: Well, for one thing, the free cheese. I don't know what I'd do without this stuff. (He eats more cheese.) It really binds me up, though.

IP: Oh?

CQ: Yeah, man. Is there any chance I could score some Roquefort? Because I am heavy, heavy in the back pockets, if you know what I mean.

IP: I'll see what I can do. Any feelings on the recent announcement of Digable Planets as the running mate? Mates?

CQ: They fucking move me, man. They move me. I was at Target the other day, and I was like, "I need a new hair trap for my shower." And I remembered the song, and I was like, "Yeah. I'm cool like dat." So I bought the hair trap. It fucking ruled.

IP: Wow.

CQ: Someday--and I'm not jacking you here, Skot--I'm going to be like that fucking hair trap. I am.

IP: You already are, Colin. You already are.

End transcript.


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Comments

I would really appriciate it if you, the US, would open this election up to foreigners ... ofcourse only to the bland type of foreigners.
- I nominate Peter Jan Balkenende, PM of the Netherlands.

Comment number: 003596   Posted by: Anna on September 12, 2003 04:04 AM from IP: 212.136.78.25

I'd like to nominate John Ritter. Putting a dead guy in office would make it really easy to ignore him, plus we'd save a shitload of money in Secret Service agent salaries.

Comment number: 003597   Posted by: KOTWF on September 12, 2003 07:39 AM from IP: 65.194.128.36

I'd like to see that ratbag Tom Berenger as Stoltz's running mate.

Comment number: 003598   Posted by: Bet on September 12, 2003 09:02 AM from IP: 12.34.246.4

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed individuals can change the world! Indeed it is the only thing that ever has.

Comment number: 003599   Posted by: TheBrad on September 12, 2003 09:48 AM from IP: 216.114.64.26

Um, who is Eric Stoltz again?

Comment number: 003600   Posted by: heather on September 12, 2003 10:22 AM from IP: 63.227.131.182

great job on the CQ dialog.

and you are RIGHT

he's not funny.

Comment number: 003601   Posted by: mike whybark on September 12, 2003 01:48 PM from IP: 216.173.212.237

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