skot AT izzlepfaff DOT com
Friday, 12 September
The Campaign Is Unpredictable
As always--by which of course I mean "by hardly ever"--I'm not prepared to let this go. I will see this Stoltz campaign live, and if that means I have to make more shit up, then by God I will. With that in mind, I now present the seminal interview that will sew this fucker up. Ladies and gentlemen, Colin Quinn.
IP: Hello, Colin.
CQ: Hello, Skot.
IP: Just call me Izzle.
CQ: Eat a dick. Even Stoltz wouldn't call you that. And he's a fairy.
IP: He's a what?
CQ: A fairy. A queer. Don't mind me. I do that all the time.
IP: Do what?
CQ: Make unsupportable statements about people who are usually not in a position to refute them. Or those without much political clout. It kills me.
IP: Why would you do that?
CQ: It's a hedge. I'm really not very funny. In fact, I'm about as funny as sixty-five hangnails.
IP: I see.
CQ And yet I have a TV show! This is a great country. Eat some of this cheese they got here. We get it from the government.
IP: You do?
CQ: Oh yeah. We're funded by the Parks Department. Basically, the Feds give me free cheese if I agree not to make any movies. It's so sweet. I don't know when that fairy David Spade will figure out the fix.
IP: Why do you insist upon using the derogative "fairies"?
CQ: It's funny to say. Like "butt pirates" or "Bostonites." Check this: "Bostonites are a bunch of fairies. What a bunch of butt pirates."
IP: Aren't you a Bostonite?
CQ: (Pause) Oh, man. You're good.
IP: So why the support for Eric Stoltz/Digable Planets in 2004?
CQ: Well, for one thing, the free cheese. I don't know what I'd do without this stuff. (He eats more cheese.) It really binds me up, though.
CQ: Yeah, man. Is there any chance I could score some Roquefort? Because I am heavy, heavy in the back pockets, if you know what I mean.
IP: I'll see what I can do. Any feelings on the recent announcement of Digable Planets as the running mate? Mates?
CQ: They fucking move me, man. They move me. I was at Target the other day, and I was like, "I need a new hair trap for my shower." And I remembered the song, and I was like, "Yeah. I'm cool like dat." So I bought the hair trap. It fucking ruled.
CQ: Someday--and I'm not jacking you here, Skot--I'm going to be like that fucking hair trap. I am.
IP: You already are, Colin. You already are.
Note: Comments are closed on old entries.
I would really appriciate it if you, the US, would open this election up to foreigners ... ofcourse only to the bland type of foreigners.
I'd like to nominate John Ritter. Putting a dead guy in office would make it really easy to ignore him, plus we'd save a shitload of money in Secret Service agent salaries.
I'd like to see that ratbag Tom Berenger as Stoltz's running mate.
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed individuals can change the world! Indeed it is the only thing that ever has.
Um, who is Eric Stoltz again?
great job on the CQ dialog.
and you are RIGHT
he's not funny.
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