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skot AT izzlepfaff DOT com

Tuesday, 09 September
An Important Political Announcement

Editor's note: As many of IzzlePfaff's tens of readers know, IP has generally shied away from endorsing political causes. This steely nonpartisanship has, of course, been largely due to the author's vast ignorance of the political arena, combined with a kind of supernatural laziness. But no longer. I have taken a typically half-assed look at the upcoming contenders in the 2004 election, and in my estimation: they all blow. Again. The ridiculous, mendacious marionette jerking around in the Oval Office certainly isn't worth even considering, and a quick view at the moralizing, lifeless pickleheads on the left aren't much better. So I decided to strike out and find my own candidate, and inform them that I wanted them to run for the Presidency. My criteria were simple but subtle: 1. I needed someone who is so inoffensive and unnoticable that they won't bother me; and 2. I also needed someone, who even when they did bother me, I was still able to almost instantly forget about them. This is my motto for a new America: Just Leave Us Alone. It wasn't as easy as it sounds, but after a little nap, I had my candidate. He's someone reasonably well-known and marginally respected, but most importantly, I am able to forget about his existence pretty much without trying at all. I'm very excited about not thinking about anything political for four whole years, and I hope you will be too. I'd like to introduce him today, as he has agreed to be my--no, our candidate. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm proud to announce the beginning of the campaign for ERIC STOLTZ IN '04!

IzzlePfaff: Hello, Eric. Thanks for joining us.

Eric Stoltz: Hi, Skot.

IP: Please, call me Izzle.

ES: Come on.

IP: Please?

ES: Jesus, do you want to win this thing or not?

IP: All right, forget it. Eric, I'm sure America will be surprised to learn about your sudden candicacy for the office of President. Can you give everyone some reasons why you're entering the race?

ES: Well . . . because you called me? And asked? I guess that's the main reason. And don't forget, you're taking me out to Tony Roma's later.

IP: Yeah.

ES: And, uh . . . well, I guess I really feel pretty strongly about . . . you know . . . the stuff. (Pause.) That WTO stuff was wicked cool, man, I saw that on TV.

IP: So you oppose the WTO? That's a pretty bold statement.

ES: Well, I liked "Takin' Care of Business," but not much else.

IP: I see. Do you feel that your career in show business is an advantage to your campaign?

ES: I really do. Playing the stoic, conflicted lead in Some Kind of Wonderful taught me valuable lessons about the difficulty of making tough choices. And my recurring role on "Mad About You" has given me the necessary skills needed for simply being around odious people, be they congressmen or Paul Reiser.

IP: That's very impressive. May I just say that Mask taught me how to love again?

ES: Oh, that's great. What was your favorite part?

IP: I'd have to say the whole "not seeing it at all" part. It was on TV one night in college, but I ended up having drunk sex with a cute actress instead. It'd been three months, man.

ES: Ah . . . ah. (He lights a cigarette.)

IP: Excuse me, is that black tar heroin you're smoking?

ES: What? No! It's an ordinary cigarette.

IP: Because the public is not going to gladly accept a President with a heroin problem, least of all one who is seriously considering gender reassignment.

ES: What the fuck are you talking about?

IP: It's been reported on extensively in the press.

ES: Where? What is this?

IP: I'm quoting from the October 16th edition of the Weekly World News, published in 1994. I've highlighted the article here. The headline reads "HEROIN ADDLED HOLLYWOOD ALTERNA-HUNK TO HAVE SEX CHANGE."

ES: What the hell is wrong with you? The Weekly World News? Everyone knows it's all bullshit. I thought you were trying to help me here!

IP: It's buzz, Eric, buzz. Every candidate needs it.

ES: Jesus Christ.

IP: Eric, have you given any thought to a running mate?

ES: I have, actually. As a little surprise, I've brought them here to talk as well.

IP: Them?

ES: Yes. As my platform consists almost entirely on being wholly forgettable, I tried to keep that in mind when selecting my running mate. I'm happy to introduce Digable Planets.

IP: Digable Planets! The band who swept a nation away in the early nineties with "Rebirth of Slick (Cool Like Dat)," and were then immediately discarded and forgotten about! Welcome! How does it feel joining the race for the White House?

Digable Planets: We--

IP: Eric, in closing, I'd like to thank you for being here today. I and all of I here at IzzlePfaff are really looking forward to an exciting campaign and a successful bid for the Presidency.

ES: Thank you for having me. Vote Stoltz in '04.

(Eric exits. Pause.)

IP: God. Who the hell was that again?

Note: Comments are closed on old entries.


Got my vote!

Comment number: 003586   Posted by: KOTWF on September 10, 2003 05:41 AM from IP:

Vote Stolz - Fight the Doltz

Comment number: 003587   Posted by: Rory on September 10, 2003 06:19 AM from IP:

Oh crap, there's another 't' in his name.

Vote Stoltz - Fight the Lazy Spellers

Comment number: 003588   Posted by: Rory on September 10, 2003 06:21 AM from IP:

Wow, I cannot disagree with you more. I mean, it is true that your candidate has a certain blankness perfectly suitable for public office. But you forgot how he simped around the March household, kept Laurie from flirting with the girls, while secretly pining for some hott Trini Alvarado action, while making simultaneously making it with Mary Stuart Masterson. Really, could you find a creepier horndog to laud?

Comment number: 003589   Posted by: avogadro on September 10, 2003 09:02 AM from IP:

I think it's a great idea, and am overjoyed by the prospect of not having to think of anything political for the next four years. The last four have been draining!

Comment number: 003590   Posted by: Krizzer on September 10, 2003 10:36 AM from IP:

I bet the campaign soundtrack is going to be fantastic.

Comment number: 003591   Posted by: Krizzer on September 10, 2003 10:37 AM from IP:

Izzle Quack was MIA today but when she comes back she'll get to meet her new friend Aiden Quack. Yesterday they were asking where you've been. What do you want me to tell them?

Comment number: 003592   Posted by: aflac on September 10, 2003 04:31 PM from IP:

Someone remembered Digable Planets, because that song is in a Target commercial.

Comment number: 003593   Posted by: Lisa on September 10, 2003 05:40 PM from IP:

Buy your Stoltz 2004 merchandise here!

Comment number: 003594   Posted by: Stoltz Campaign Manager on September 10, 2003 09:41 PM from IP:

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