skot AT izzlepfaff DOT com
Thursday, 10 July
Cryptic Instructions About Food
Corn should be eaten by rolling the cob vertically and eating in neat strips. "Typewriter" style eating methods are unacceptable, unless one is a socialist.
Avoid weirdo foods. These include: Gravlax. Quinoa. Spaetzle. Substitute juniper berries when in doubt.
Herring! Say it a few times, and it will sound like a brand of bubble gum. It is not.
Peas are to be worshipped. Unjacket them and admire their green vulnerable nudity. Get nude yourself if you wish. Place one in your bellybutton. Listen to it. It speaks volumes. Learn. Then eat that tasty fucker.
Figs? Figs? Figs.
Jerky should be eaten often. Do it for Jeremy Piven. Do it for the forgotten Thessalians. Do it.
Eggs are of course a staple. This common household item is associated with the feminine, and as such, should be routinely maltreated. Pay them less than you do your celery. Exclude them from opportunity. Encourage them to flounce.
It is inadvisable to serve juice without bursting through a brick wall and screaming "OH YEAH!" Inform the EMTs that the little Hawaiian Punch dude is a total pussy. Wear your scalp wounds like a badge, a badge that says, "Damn, I serve good juice."
Eggplant requires very little. A bit of salt, a touch of pepper, and then grill delicate slices, drizzling them with olive oil. Grill marks are a plus. When they have browned perfectly, remove them from the grill onto a platter. Then take the platter out into the street and throw it at passing cars. That way, you don't have to eat any disgusting fucking eggplant.
Note: Comments are closed on old entries.
A-Fucking-Men to the eggplant comment!
1. For the whole of my permanent-toothed life I have been chastized by my family for eating my corn on the cob vertically. Thank you for the vindication. Validation? One of those.
2. When being served peas with your tuna casserole, don't settle for them as a side dish. Pick them up spoonily and put them on top of your tuna casserole as if they were an ingredient. You'll be happy. Or as happy as one can be eating tuna casserole.
3. Eggs are feminine. Back them into a corner and breathe on their glasses.
4. Eggplant requires one thing. It's in that family of vegetables that are generally edible only when fried. Eggplant, okra, squash...
5. Oh, and raw cauliflower dipped in cocktail sauce is the best snack ever.
Oh, wow. I'm a socialist!
You mean some people make tuna casserole *without* peas in it? I'm for strong legislation.
I'm with you on the corn.
I've never tried cauliflower in cocktail sauce. Sounds promising. I don't know if it can displace soda crackers and Cheez Whiz, though.
Naw. White rice with Bulls-Eye barbecue sauce...
So I eat corn like a typewriter. You eat it like an adding machine?
DAYMENTED TUNA CASSEROLE
Dude, You're one bizarre guy. I can't read a post without cracking up. Also, I've always said i was, and my corn-eating habits confirm that I am, indeed, a socialist. Also, gotta differ with the eggplant. Childhood trauma involving a rampaging eggplant in a picture-book has left me terrified of them. They're so...insidious looking, like at any moment the're going to sprout legs and arms, hatchet already in hand, and come after me.
I tend to eat my corn by scrolling vertically AND eating horizontally... So I get nice diagonal strips. Does that make me some kind of crooked socialist? Or maybe somewhere in between socialist and ?
This is the funniest thing ever. I am dead.
Why you gonna do spaetzle like that. It's not so weird to the Germans anyway. I hear they're importing tech talent, so maybe you could aquire a taste for buttery little noodle nuggets. I mean really, spaetzle.
Peas are vile, but you are funny, so you win.
You do indeed rock.
I eat my corn like a socialist (I did so tonight!). I guess it's time to turn in my libertarian membership and start pushing for nationalized health care. *sighs*
someone needs his own cooking show. complete with throwing food at cars segments.
You seem to have confused your crimson childhood beverages. The Hawaiian Punch dude has never busted through a wall in his life.
That's what makes the Hawaiian Punch dude such a pussy, DUH! I guess you've sported a few too many scalp wounds, yourself, big guy...
Loved it, but you lost me in one place...what does Jeremy Piven have to do with eating jerky?
what does Jeremy Piven have to do with eating jerky?
You had no issues with the Thessalians, huh? Ooookay. God, I don't know, I just pulled it out of my Big Book of Horseshit.
To find out what Jeremy Piven has to do with jerky, watch Spanking The Monkey.
I just snorted my Kool-Aid out my nose. Is that an acceptable use of Kool-Aid, or does it ruin the delicate underflavorings?
Someone once told me:
Which reminds me, what is this obsession of you Americans with corn on the cob? Very uncivilized and messy! Okay, now you are going to retaliate by saying that we Europeans don't shower enough ;-)
If the shoe fits...
What's wrong with gravlax?
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