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Monday, 14 July
A Miracle In The Temple

Something momentous occurred today.

My toilet got fixed.

A little backstory (haw!): since we moved into this apartment, the toilet has always been a cranky old bastard. The outlet valve was dodgy, and sometimes didn't fall into place, and the tank would gargle malevolently as it wasted vast quantities of water while we ineffectually jiggled the handle, trying to pacify the wretched beast. But worse than that was the inlet valve that sits atop the float; as it struggled to refill the tank, it hissed anemically, spraying water in a thin spittle that would literally take as long as twenty fucking minutes to refill the tank. This was bad news when you found yourself having to take a crap, only to hear the doom-flush of Ye Olde Floor Tuba in the bathroom courtesy of someone else, and you'd realize: Fuck! It's going to take twenty minutes to fill up before I can flush again! Then you had a choice: sit for twenty minutes or squirm for twenty minutes.

You end up taking that sort of thing personally after a while. And because I am unbalanced, I attributed it all to accumulated aggression on the toilet's part. I imagined its cognizant soul, a deeply jaded and angry spirit that lived somewhere deep within its workings, thinking vile thoughts: Twenty five years I've had to placidly sit here whilst various humans have lowered their unlovely asses onto me and done unspeakable things. Drunks have pissed on my feet and vomited into my lap. Well, well. I can't do much. But I sure can make you wait for nearly half an hour before you can drop the next payload of fun, can't I? Chew on that, you lousy goo merchants!

But no longer. Today, at long last, I think our nightmare might be over. The plumber was summoned, and he waved his bejeweled plunger over the recalcitrant beast; when it shuddered, he caressed its sides and whispered complex hoodoos into the thing's lid; and when it cried, he held it like a mother. And after the ordeal, the toilet was reborn, its purpose restored, its hate dispelled. It is once again childishly eager to receive our benighted asses, and it coos when we enter the temple to perform our gastrointestinal sacraments.

I love this toilet, and it loves me. When I flush, it gives a mighty throaty roar, like the howl of a Gorgon. The mighty valve blasts water into the tank, singing a song of hydrodynamic hosannas, and fills the tank in under two minutes flat. This is a toilet with some fucking panache, people. In fact, I can't stop flushing it. I dance to the song of its mightiness, and I know sublimity. I have flushed this toilet 138 times in a row now. And I don't think I will stop, not tonight anyway.

It's the music of the spheres. One of the spheres even folds down. If that's not magic, I don't know what is.


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

you.are.brilliant
anything so rhapsodic about a commode deserves some kinda prize.

Comment number: 003287   Posted by: breathless on July 15, 2003 01:59 AM from IP: 12.211.110.33

Can we all come by and try it out? Sort of a loo-gathering to celebrate?

Comment number: 003288   Posted by: Anna on July 15, 2003 04:00 AM from IP: 212.136.78.25

izzlepfaff.com: Chew on that, you lousy goo merchants!

Comment number: 003289   Posted by: RobD on July 15, 2003 04:55 AM from IP: 216.16.231.34

absolutely fucking brilliant. this site is the best thing to happen to my work day since they got rid of the smelly wildebeast secretary in the next cube.

bravo.

Comment number: 003290   Posted by: Heather on July 15, 2003 06:22 AM from IP: 66.237.244.251

An uplifting, rejoiceful saga of a toilet and it's newfound love for life. Only on Izzlepfaff.

Comment number: 003291   Posted by: KOTWF on July 15, 2003 06:51 AM from IP: 65.194.133.74

If he wasn't already pushing up daisies, I would have thought you had Barry White as your plumber... "whispering complex hoodoos" and singing "I'm gonna make sweet love to you. loo. Oh Baby!"

Comment number: 003292   Posted by: Mojomark on July 15, 2003 09:50 AM from IP: 192.65.40.9

*first time reader*


hilarious, funny stuff, you are definitely on my daily must read list now. thank you my child

Comment number: 003293   Posted by: joemom on July 15, 2003 11:10 AM from IP: 146.82.36.102

Sort of a loo-gathering to celebrate?

Oh, man. I read this as goo-lathering for a second. Excuse me while I die.

Comment number: 003294   Posted by: mark on July 15, 2003 06:29 PM from IP: 66.47.18.130

skot,
write a novel already. you're a friggin genius. i've never before been so enraptured by toliet repair.

Comment number: 003295   Posted by: the dread pirate jimbo on July 16, 2003 01:13 PM from IP: 63.251.52.218

ahah that is a great story =))
did you pray saint john? :)

Q: what is the best biblical reading while sitting on the toilet?
A: the gospel of John :)

keep the good flushing!
Jean-Luc

Comment number: 003296   Posted by: Jean-Luc on September 17, 2003 09:13 AM from IP: 172.153.44.15

This is the most fucking brilliant thing I've ever read in my life. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard over a broken toilet story. I applaud your masterful command of the English language and potty humor.

Comment number: 003297   Posted by: CG on September 17, 2003 06:02 PM from IP: 68.161.98.23

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