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Friday, 20 June
Overview Of My Amazon Gold Box

Mad About You - The Complete Second Season - [DVD]

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHH! AAAHHHHHHHHH!

OXO Good Grips Salad Spinner - [Kitchen]

I actually have one of these already. I have an unhealthy fantasy about putting a cat in it and letting it rip, for some reason.

Koss PP260 Slim Digital AM/FM Armband Radio with Clock, 20 Pre-Set Station Memory and Blue, Yellow and Red Interchangeable Faces - [Electronics]

This just hurts my mind. In this age of iPods, portable CD players and the like, they're trying to sex up a fucking radio? This seems like trying to hawk tricked-out unicycles at a muscle car rally. Although I do like the concept of "interchangeable faces." I could use some more interesting faces myself.

Maid in Manhattan - [DVD]

God, Amazon, YOU DON'T KNOW ME AT ALL! Is Ralph Fiennes the worst possible choice for the lead in a romantic comedy?

A: Yes.

Microsoft Intellimouse Explorer - [Electronics]

An almost narcoleptically boring proposition. Plus, an "intellimouse" sounds like something Alan Moore might craft a graphic novel around. Which, perversely, I would conceivably buy.

Motorola T5820 2-Way Radio AA (Sunstreak Yellow/Pair) - [Electronics]

It's just like a phone that you can only call one person with! How can I not buy them?

And here's another bonus, from its info page: "This radio requires an FCC license." Fuck, man, is there any downside to this product at ALL?

Linksys WCF12 Wireless-B Network CompactFlash Card (Type I) - [Electronics]

Hey, cool! I have no idea what this is.

Memorex MVD2029 Ultra Thin DVD Player - [Electronics]

The words "Ultra Thin" (a) make me think of girly cigarettes and (b) make me wonder what they've left out of the thing. I tend, probably stupidly, to prefer my home electronics thick and chunky, with lots of buttons and dials and crap that I don't understand.

Sony M-100MC Microcassette Voice Recorder - [Electronics]

What would I possibly do with this? Take it to business meetings? I generally have a fervent desire to forget everything I hear at those. Do you have one of those, Amazon? A mental voice-destroyer?

Atomix 541 - 12" Natural Finish Atomic Clock - [Electronics]

Our society's total nerdification is nearly complete. I frankly never want to be that on time.


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

For some reason, my gold box really wants me to buy knives.

Comment number: 003156   Posted by: krix on June 20, 2003 03:15 PM from IP: 198.81.26.112

[Night.

We open on a black frame, subsequent panels enlarging a tiny red dot appearring in the lower left of the initial frame. In voice-over, we read the following.]

Crap.

I thought I'd finally escaped.

Left it all behind, and run off to a life on the streets. But no.

Here, today, as I doze fitfully, dreaming of aged camambert spotted with pools of liquefaction and fungus, I twitch, restless, knowing I'll never clean the runny cheese from my whiskers again.

I've only traded a warm, well-lit maze for a cold, wet, dark, smelly one.

At least it's dark. I like the dark.

[the final frame on the page reveals clearly tha the red dot is a shiny red animal eye, although we cannot clearly see the animal's form.

CUT TO

Microsoft campus, executive suite: Steve Ballmer's office.

A very large, bullet-head man is standing on a desk in a simian crouch. a ring of cringing lackeys squirms beneath him in chairs facing the desk. The bullet-headed man 's arms are raised above his head; he is clearly the alpha monkey, the silver-back gorilla, and the black bar of the hefty hole punch he carries in one long arm is a deliberate echo of the tapir's jaw in the Kubrick film 2001.

He has enormous, dark pit stains deepening the blue of his shirt to a dense royal blue, the blue of a sapphire's infinite depths.]

[Ballmer:] OOOOOROOOOROOOOOOOO!

OOOOOAAAAHHH!

DEVELEPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS!

OOOOOOOAH!

WHERE IS THE FUCKING INTELLIMOUSE! THE DEVELOPERS DEMAND HIM!

ORRROAHOOOOOOAAAR!

---

- an excerpt from a never published script, "Tell a Mouse," by Alan Moore intended for publication in Slate, summer, 2001. The project was cancelled over concerns that Moore's penultimate scenes might be percieved as insensitive in the post 9/11 climate. In the scene, Ballmer and the Intellimouse conduct a battle royale throughout the neighborhood at the foot of Seattle's Capitol Hill, stemming from a chance meeting near the dumpsters of Market House Meats and concluding with the collapse of the Met Park office towers across the street.

Moore responded by spending all of 2002 footnoting every line of dialogue in the script. A copy of the 2500-page Word document was leaked onto the net via Kazaa in spring of 2003. Microsoft responded by implementing a new search engine inteneded to delist any references to the script from MSN-based queries.

Comment number: 003157   Posted by: mike on June 20, 2003 03:50 PM from IP: 216.173.212.237

Luckily I live outside the US and don't have a Gold Box. I do however have constant prompts from amazon recommending I buy their 'Recommendations'. Which consist of EVERY SINGLE item I've ever browsed on amazon. EVERY one, even the time when it came up with God Bless America when I was looking for Army of Me...

Comment number: 003158   Posted by: Higher on June 22, 2003 02:23 PM from IP: 81.132.36.117

First of all, Fiennes was way sexier as the slime Amon Goeth in "Schindler's List" than in "Maid In Manhattan." (I make this statement, of course, without seeing the latter.)

Second of all, there are two categories of gold box items that get me. 1) The things whose pictures I look at and have no earthly idea what they are. Then generally, I read the description and STILL have no idea what they are. 2) Little items like portable battery-powered vacuums that I look at and say, "Oh, that's kinda cute," then look at the price and they're $899.99. As a special value to me!

Comment number: 003159   Posted by: Bet on June 22, 2003 06:27 PM from IP: 68.54.104.190

Remember the restraining order, Mike. And stop sending me the gift baskets of jerky.

Comment number: 003160   Posted by: Skot on June 23, 2003 08:20 AM from IP: 140.107.120.123

Boy. Amazon sure does want to pawn a lot of crap off on you. Maybe if you bought good stuff, they'd try to sell you good stuff.

Just a thought.

P.S. If you're not gonna eat that jerky, can I have some?

Comment number: 003161   Posted by: KOTWF on June 23, 2003 10:29 AM from IP: 65.194.133.237

I've got a portable radio I use for the gym... It kicks ass, and it was free so I'm not complaining. I would get an mp3 player, but frankly it's too much of a fucking pain in the ass to try to decide WHICH 64 megs of music I want to listen to at any given time... I'll let the radio decide for me.

Comment number: 003162   Posted by: Ryan Waddell on June 24, 2003 10:29 AM from IP: 206.47.252.98

Now, don't be knocking the intellimouse. It's intelligent! It's optical! It has five buttons! Yes, that's right -- FIVE buttons, for your clicking pleasure!

Comment number: 003163   Posted by: Rickie Beth on June 24, 2003 02:51 PM from IP: 67.80.104.49

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