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Friday, 25 April
Thoughts Can Snowball In Your Head And Lead To Unfortunate Results

A while ago, for not-entirely-clear reasons (other than maybe, "I'm a dick"), I was moved downstairs a floor, and now occupy cube-space with a bunch of programming geeks. They regard me sort of with a kind of wary good cheer, like I were a pet chimpanzee or something. You know, usually pretty cute, but you never know when the little fucker will launch himself at your face. Plus, they really don't know what the hell I do in the first place: who questions the motives or methods of a chimpanzee? And that's cool, since I haven't the vaguest idea what they do either. I mean, apart from "programming," but that's just a tautology. Some of them are on "AppDev," others on "CompServ," and still others on "Helpdesk," and I can never keep straight who is who and where, but fortunately, there's no real reason for me to give a fuck, either.

They entertain me, though. They are a pretty spectacularly diverse collection of nationalities: my immediate neighbor is Croatian, and the guy behind me is a Spaniard. Across the room are a French woman, two Japanese women, an Israeli, and one Chinese gal.

The Croatian and the Spaniard are the best, because they seem to work in tandem on a lot of problems, and rocket back and forth between their cubicles, and as they get more worked up and excited about (whatever), they naturally start speeding up their speech and pretty soon neither of them can understand one another, and if I'm really lucky, they kind of wig out and start speaking their respective mother tongues. It's really great and I have to basically hunker down so I can laugh delightedly without making them stop. It just sounds so cool!

It happened a while ago, and it didn't seem that the problem was going away, so they were chattering chattering chattering! and going nuts, and I guess someone decided to call in reinforcements. So some of the others were brought in, and more heavily accented English was added to the mix, until pretty soon about half the floor was running around from cube to cube, each one straining to be heard and understood, and the cackling din was just tremendous. I was enjoying myself immensely; it was like the coolest audio collage ever, and I got to thinking, "This must be what the UN sounds like!"

For hazy reasons, this thought really busted me up, and I got a little carried away with it in my own weird head, because the next thing I know, I've stood up and while they were in mid-crescendo with the babbling, and I said, "I CONDEMN THE FILTHY AMERICANS AND THEIR UNJUST WAR!"

And they all stopped and looked at me. I was the scary chimp making unintelligible noises. I made a weak laugh and said, "Uh, never mind," and sat down. They gradually returned to their problem while I silently burned to death in my chair.

I guess it's really lucky that I didn't follow my first impulse, which was to pound my shoe on my desk and yell "We will bury you!"

Note: Comments are closed on old entries.


unrelated: i love you, man!

Comment number: 002894   Posted by: rhapsodie on April 25, 2003 05:46 PM from IP:

i was having an utterly craptastic morning, and you just made me laugh so hard that mint tea came out my nose. that hurt, but thanks.

Comment number: 002895   Posted by: fearbiter on April 26, 2003 06:53 AM from IP:

I had a similar experience. The Blondage and I were eating dinner, and this one thought just built up in my head until finally I couldn't help it and said "You ruined my life, you fucking bitch!"

Hilarious, huh?

Comment number: 002896   Posted by: KOTWF on April 26, 2003 08:28 AM from IP:

At a recent meeting here, the powers that be decided that a brain-storming session was necessary to pin down some ideas about staff retainment. Knowing full well that these meetings are simply to appease the masses, and nothing truly productive would ever come of the suggestions made, I had one of those ideas you mentioned in your post.

While the board filled up with post-its detailing 401-Ks, OT, ETAs, and other fearsome acronyms, I couldn't suppress the notion any further. So I stood up and plastered my post-it note reading "Free Donuts" among the rest of the suggestions that would never come to pass, and I have been viewed with bewilderment ever since.

Thanks for a great post, man - sometimes you just have to throw those things out there and see if anyone catches 'em.

Comment number: 002897   Posted by: Rick on April 26, 2003 11:09 AM from IP:

That's the funniest thing I've read in a long time.

Comment number: 002898   Posted by: Alex on April 29, 2003 12:19 PM from IP:

Yup, you're the funny dude.

Comment number: 002899   Posted by: Ivy on May 8, 2003 02:02 AM from IP:

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