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Tuesday, 15 April
Stately Melodies That Will Not Be Heard

After work, the fiancee and I met up with the wonderful band who is playing at our wedding (the cooler-than-piss folks in Saeta, whom you should check out if you're in Seattle or anywhere else in the universe) to discuss, uh, the music for the wedding. It went pretty well, although I sure find myself getting shot down a fucking lot. It doesn't seem fair. Who wouldn't want to hear some of these songs at a damn wedding?

Fear's "Beef Baloney," for example. I've mentioned this before, but it just sticks in my craw that this one gets so many veins popping. Why shouldn't I be able to croon this to my new bride as we glide along the mosh pit?

She don't like salami, she don't want pastrami
She don't want a chicken, she don't want a roast
She just wants her double dose of

Beef, beef, beef! Beef baloney!
Beef, beef, beef! Beef baloney!

I mean, what the fuck is the problem? Is it wrong to want a classy wedding?

Or something by legendary Manchester outfit The New Fast Automatic Daffodils. I was thinking one of their numbers for the processional, like "You Were Lying When You Said You Loved Me." That would be impressive. Then some goob would stage-whisper, "Jesus, what the hell is this awful music?" And I'd scream, "It's the legendary Manchester outfit The New Fast Automatic Daffodils, you tool!" Then he'd feel pretty stupid, and I'm totally aces, because I clearly know my shit, or at least behave as if I do when in fact I don't, which is just as good.

Another one that went into the dumper was The Holy Modal Rounders' "Boobs A Lot," which I just don't fucking get, and it saddens me, because it speaks to the truth in my heart: I do like boobs, a lot. Why must we hate the truth? It's a crying shame.

They all beat the shit out of Pachelbel's Canon in D is all I'm saying.

Note: Comments are closed on old entries.


Aw, man, "Boobs A Lot" is a classic. That needs to be at every wedding reception.

And there needs to be a moratorium on playing "Canon in D" for at least the next twenty years.

Comment number: 002828   Posted by: Bet on April 16, 2003 06:22 AM from IP:

PS - I really like the second verses of "Boobs A Lot," when the "yeah, yeah"s come in:

Do you like Boobs A Lot? (yeah, yeah!)
Gotta like Boobs A Lot! (yeah, yeah!)

Comment number: 002829   Posted by: Bet on April 16, 2003 06:23 AM from IP:

One of my ultra-cool cousins played "She's Having My Baby" as one of the first dances at her wedding reception. (And they ended it with Clarence Carter's "Strokin'." *so* cool. (my mother, afterwards in the car, told me that "I liked that song about smoking." I didn't have the heart to correct her.))

Now, what I want for one of the dances at my wedding reception: Lyle Lovett's "She's No Lady."
She hates my mother
She hates my daddy too.
She loves to tell me
How much she hates the things I do
She likes to lie beside me almost every night
She's no lady, she's my wife.

The preacher asked her, and she said "I do."
The preacher asked me, and she said, "Yes, he does too."
The preacher pronounced me 99 to life
"Son, she's no lady, she's your wife."

Comment number: 002830   Posted by: Vidiot on April 16, 2003 07:35 AM from IP:

"I liked that song about smoking."

That's really hilarious.

/me smokes it to the left
/me smokes it to the right

Comment number: 002831   Posted by: Skot on April 16, 2003 07:40 AM from IP:

You know, don't rule out Beef Baloney just yet. When my best friend got married last year, she and her husband made their reception entrance to "Everybody Wants Some." I'm not sure who convinced who in that situation, but it's food for thought.

And I'm pretty sure the line "And if my stuff ain't tight enough you can stick it in my *WHOO*!" would register with even my mom (the woman who thought that Billy Squier's "Stroke Me" was actually called "Snoopy").

Comment number: 002832   Posted by: cowboy_sally on April 16, 2003 08:01 AM from IP:

I was really pissed when the wife vetoed "Baby Got Back". I mean.. WTF?

Comment number: 002833   Posted by: MojoMark on April 16, 2003 09:47 AM from IP:

I just fucking choked on a piece of hard candy I was eating because I laughed so hard reading this. My face turned beet red and I received concerned glances from several co-workers. Fucking starlight mints. Goddamn that was funny.

Comment number: 002834   Posted by: crinkle on April 16, 2003 12:59 PM from IP:

I am thrilled that you know the lyrics to "Beef Baloney." You've obviously seen "Summer Camp Nightmare" at least once. "To the revloution!"
tee hee hee hee

Ok, two song recommendations, en serio:
"Electric Glide" Vida Blue
"Drifting" Trey Anastasio

Comment number: 002835   Posted by: Flipsycab on April 16, 2003 03:12 PM from IP:

And I'm pretty sure the line "And if my stuff ain't tight enough you can stick it in my *WHOO*!" would register with even my mom

I'm not sure she was paying full attention to the lyrics...

"Clarence Carter, Clarence Carter, Clarence Carter, oooooh SHIT! Clarence Carter!"

Comment number: 002836   Posted by: Vidiot on April 16, 2003 06:39 PM from IP:

Someone needs to use Oingo Boingo - Little Girls. For the love of God, someone.

Comment number: 002837   Posted by: Ultracity on April 16, 2003 10:40 PM from IP:

You have to be careful with the music played at your wedding. When I got married, we were on a very tight budget, so we hired a two-piece combo who were fine, except that when we met them one of the things they played was "Misty," and when they asked whether we had any specific requests for the reception, I said, "Yes. Don't play 'Misty'." They didn't, but when one of the guests requested "Mac the Knife," they complied, and other guests thought it was inappropriate. At the time, I thought it was cool, but now we're divorced and I'm gay, so maybe a bit of restraint is in order.

Contrariwise, if you're missing "Boobs a Lot," perhaps you could just get your band to improvise and play "Canon in D-Cup."

Comment number: 002838   Posted by: anapestic on April 17, 2003 09:33 AM from IP:

Um, there just can't be two songs called "Boobs a Lot." It's by The Fugs circa nineteen-and-freaking sixty-five.

Comment number: 002839   Posted by: ampliphibian on April 17, 2003 01:13 PM from IP:

A little Googling tells me you're right, but I'm not all wrong either (for a change). It was originally done by the Fugs, and covered later by The Holy Modal Rounders.

Comment number: 002840   Posted by: Skot on April 17, 2003 01:46 PM from IP:

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