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Thursday, 17 April
Help Me With My Insane Plans

Trying to decide who on earth is the world's worst person is a matter necessarily of some arbitrariness; after all, there are a lot of candidates. There are awful world leaders, horrid serial murderers, etc. etc., which after a while can lead to a kind of overload paralysis. So at some point, we each have to choose, based as I said partly on pure arbitrariness combined with our own irrational preferences and predilections. Personally, I've decided that it's Shaquille O'Neal.

And I don't even care about basketball. In fact, I'm one of those perverse people who so aggressively doesn't care about basketball that I get a sort of twisted pleasure out of when the Sonics do terribly (it's been a good few years). So it may seem odd to pick on some galoot who plays a sport I neither watch nor care about as World's Worst Person, but Shaq is so clearly a person of such distinctive putridness, I had little choice. He barely edged out Donald Rumsfeld, but if Rumsfeld starts pimping for cheeseburgers, I could go the other way too. (Can I confess something weird? You know what creeps me way the fuck out about Rumsfeld? His gums. I'm not kidding. He wields those creepy pink horrors like weapons at news conferences. Those gums aren't human.)

Anyway, I've decided that Shaq is so impossibly unpleasant that measures should be taken by our government. I've decided that Shaq should have his own government agent who accompanies him at all times, and periodically--specifically, whenever Shaq does something crappy, like talk or move--this agent would do something crappy to Shaq. For instance, when Shaq makes a comment in which he mocks another player's foreign accent, the agent would jab Shaq sharply in the asshole with his thumb. We'll see how long that keeps up. Or if Shaq made some insulting reference to the "Queens," say, the agent would pipe right up. "Let's go, Shaq. I'm taking you to look at some Chihuly art." "What's that?" Shaq might respond. "It's hard to explain, but trust me, it's an unbearable experience."

We're talking operant conditioning here, I know, and it sounds a little cold and clinical and, uh, unconstitutional probably, but remember, we're talking about the worst person on earth! He made Kazaam! for Christ's sake! Just for that little heartstopping stunt, he should be sentenced to one month of listening to Mary Louise Parker speak. Let's see the fucker make a movie after that. He probably wouldn't be able to speak after that kind of earfuck.

I know he this seems draconian and pretty narrow in the scope of the law. I know he has his fans and supporters too, but they are clearly deluded pyschopaths. Maybe we can get them some help too, but for now, we have to address the root cause. Shaq. Stand with me, people; united, we can make this a better world.

For me. And isn't that what's important?

Wishlist | Skot | 17 Apr, 2003 |

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Comments

TWISM: the best Shaq-related inside joke ever. You wish you knew. And if you did, it would certainly clear all doubts between him and Rummy. Feel confident in your decision.

Also, you made no mention of his rap career. I guess you're not one to go for the cheap shots...

Comment number: 002848   Posted by: nick on April 18, 2003 12:48 AM from IP: 64.48.129.23

dood, I love basketball (and the sonics, fucker) and I wholeheartedly agree, Shaq is a plague on humanity.

Comment number: 002849   Posted by: beigy on April 18, 2003 02:50 AM from IP: 12.231.118.180

we have another one out here in australia who needs the thumb in the bumb.

our beloved leader john howard doesn't have feet, he has trotters.

but go with shaquille. i know he's recognised more widely. howard has all the visibility of john major's belly lint.

its just that.... we may be small but we hurt when we are insulted goddamit. and this turkey on the world stage is a shaming experience.

Comment number: 002850   Posted by: david tiley on April 18, 2003 04:13 AM from IP: 202.137.86.75

Man, I know Shaq is evil and all but, Chihuly? No one deserves that. Couldn't you just shove a rat packed with napalm into his urethra or something?

Comment number: 002851   Posted by: Joe on April 18, 2003 08:28 AM from IP: 165.247.41.41

The day thumbs in assholes is a respectible punishment is the day Skot's homonculous has won.

Comment number: 002852   Posted by: cC on April 18, 2003 09:02 AM from IP: 65.93.100.209

Couldn't agree more. He deserves his own stupidity. Which is why it's lovely that the Sonics almost always kick his ass. How humiliating for him!

Comment number: 002853   Posted by: Krizzer on April 18, 2003 09:32 AM from IP: 12.229.253.255

TWISM! I will say, in Shaq's defense, that he did kick a verse on a Michael Jackson song. And Michael wants to heal the world. So doesn't that make Shaq a slightly positive force? He wants to help those who heal the world?

Comment number: 002854   Posted by: Anil on April 18, 2003 09:44 AM from IP: 66.108.7.149

I think it's plain that Anil is a deluded psychopath.

*prepares to go on Bill O'Reilly's show to give clearheaded analysis*

Comment number: 002855   Posted by: Skot on April 18, 2003 10:03 AM from IP: 140.107.120.123

One of the major ways in which Shaq is offensive is his clothing. Have you seen his "matching suit and cap" ensembles? He looks like he was upholstered rather than clothed. If he went into a Levitz someone might mistake him for an immense Barcalounger. Man. I sound like Jay Leno.

Comment number: 002856   Posted by: kaf on April 18, 2003 12:03 PM from IP: 65.211.227.34

I *like* Chihuly.

*cries*

~Fuckers.~

Comment number: 002857   Posted by: Kitty on April 18, 2003 12:53 PM from IP: 208.27.203.128

Talking about Shaq so much just gives him power. Don't you see? We've created a monster!

Comment number: 002858   Posted by: KOTWF on April 18, 2003 01:02 PM from IP: 65.194.133.29

i don't think the people who are that tall can be judged by the same standard. my god, the man's head may rest a full two feet above my own.

professional athletes have never shocked or appalled me. at most, they've made me vaguely bemused. maybe, of the giants, shaq is the worst. (how can you tell? don't they all have regrettable run-ins with the police and/or hollywood?) but in the real world, in which we-who-are-5'1-1/2" play a part, rummy wins most heartless, soulless, frightening human. hands down.

Comment number: 002859   Posted by: ester on April 18, 2003 08:11 PM from IP: 68.49.102.188

Ann Coulter.

It's not even close.

Comment number: 002860   Posted by: anapestic on April 19, 2003 08:51 AM from IP: 207.172.11.147

I might award a three-way tie to Stock, Aitken and Waterman, myself. They started the chain reaction that led to Britney Spears and the Spice Girls.

Comment number: 002861   Posted by: Senn on April 19, 2003 11:46 AM from IP: 12.224.111.37

Los Angeles is unbearable because of that schmuck.

Comment number: 002862   Posted by: Flipsycab on April 21, 2003 10:53 AM from IP: 216.198.80.190

Immediately prior to reading this post I read James Lilek's anti-French screed (summary: "The French are smelly! Pfft!") which I think puts him squarely in the running.

Comment number: 002863   Posted by: rebecca on April 21, 2003 01:07 PM from IP: 152.3.228.82

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