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skot AT izzlepfaff DOT com

Wednesday, 26 March
Elementary School

THE NOBLE GASES are the student council. HELIUM is the nice guy who will come out of the closet in college. XENON is the ridiculously hot salutatorian candidate who is also a minister's daughter; she will resist all romantic advances until the senior graduation party, when she'll get drunk and make out with KRYPTON, captain of the glee club, who is resultantly quite gleeful indeed. Nobody likes NEON, who unsurprisingly goes into pre-law.

BORON is the nose tackle for the football team. He doesn't like to be called "Bo," so nobody does.

RUBIDIUM is the quiet kid who draws all the time and sometimes has unpleasant diabetic reactions. Nobody will remember his name after graduation.

The ACTINOIDS run the A/V club, and sometimes, when the coast is clear, put illicit slides of Bettie Page into the projector and honk at the images. They are furtive and sly and fearful of VANADIUM, who for reasons known only to himself, stalks the hapless Actinoids with single-minded fury, and has a penchant for dishing out cruel titty-twisters.

YTTRIUM is the foreign exchange student who roams the halls with a quizzical half-smile on his face, wondering why nobody will talk to him. (Because he's different, of course.) Finally, gregarious SODIUM one day invites him to a party, where he stuns everyone with his unearthly capacity for alcohol. BISMUTH vomits unceremoniously into a houseplant.

BERYLLIUM has a sniggering reputation for terrible flatulence that isn't really justified, but rather lives on through the typically cruel rumormongering so prevalent amongst teenagers. He will show up for the ten year anniversary driving a BMW, feeling pretty good, but will nonetheless be tormented with an onslaught of fart jokes anyway.

TUNGSTEN is just as comfortable smoking in the parking lot with HAFNIUM as he is playing D&D with dorks like LAWRENCIUM and TIN. He is friend to many and enemy to none; sort of the polar opposite of the widely loathed STRONTIUM, who resembles a malignant ox.

NIOBIUM reads Sylvia Plath, and is aggressively upfront about her sexual proclivities. She will briefly run away from home with the sinister and violence-prone COBALT, but will return amidst vague, hoarse rumors of gunplay and extradition, none true. They just ran out of money.

SELENIUM will break your heart every day if you let her, and you do.

You are IRIDIUM, bright and rare and largely unnoticed, and you're just all fucking right with me.

We hang out with MOLYBDENUM, so there's usually no trouble. Let's go play pinball.

Summary | Skot | 26 Mar, 2003 |

Note: Comments are closed on old entries.


man, i hated chemistry. and i was tungsten.

Comment number: 002684   Posted by: nick on March 27, 2003 12:41 AM from IP:

This is the funniest thing I've ever read.

Comment number: 002685   Posted by: Bet on March 27, 2003 07:57 AM from IP:

Selenium, ironicly, also had dandruff... and don't believe anything you hear, I broke up with her...

Comment number: 002686   Posted by: Morgan on March 27, 2003 08:23 AM from IP:

God, I really have forgotten everything I learned in high school. Are those real elements??

Comment number: 002687   Posted by: Stacey on March 27, 2003 08:26 AM from IP:

Hilarious. And yes, Stacey, they're all real elements. Except Yttrium, which Skot made up because none of the real elements sound like foreign names.

Comment number: 002688   Posted by: senn on March 27, 2003 08:33 AM from IP:

if only my chemistry teacher had been half as entertaining.

Comment number: 002689   Posted by: abby on March 27, 2003 09:50 AM from IP:

I hope you're all taking notes, because there's going to be a short quiz next period.

Comment number: 002690   Posted by: Aaaugh! on March 27, 2003 10:33 AM from IP:

Yttrium isn't real, but ytterbium is. ^They must've misspelled her name when she passed through Ellis Island.^

Comment number: 002691   Posted by: pfattmeff on March 27, 2003 12:40 PM from IP:

Just for the record, Yttrium is atomic number 39; Ytterbium is number 70.

Comment number: 002692   Posted by: Skot on March 27, 2003 12:49 PM from IP:

Meh. Apologies, or, as they say, "my bad".

Alternately: "39"? That number doesn't exist!

Comment number: 002693   Posted by: pfattmeff on March 27, 2003 12:57 PM from IP:

I hope you're all taking notes, because there's going to be a short quiz next period.

These are the only ones of which the news has come to Hahvard,
And there may be many others but they haven't been discahvered.

Comment number: 002694   Posted by: mark on March 27, 2003 01:03 PM from IP:

Izzle Pfaff: Come for the earworms, stay for the pie!

Comment number: 002695   Posted by: TheBrad on March 27, 2003 02:10 PM from IP:

A comment done with such skill and artistry, that we award you both ears and the tail...

Comment number: 002696   Posted by: OliverJ on March 27, 2003 03:12 PM from IP:

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