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skot AT izzlepfaff DOT com

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Wednesday, 26 February
ISO

Music of the spheres
Help me to hear it? It should be easy.
SWF, 28, likes live music, dead meat,
red wine. UB 25-35, HWP, herb friendly
and willing to buy me tampons if
necessary. Friends first, celestial
symphony later. 4004

. . .

(Beep.)"Ah . . . hi. Hi. Uh, my name is Rick, and I, uh, I guess I saw your ad. I mean, I obviously saw your ad, and it, I, uh, I liked it, so I guess I'm calling you. About your ad. (Pause.) Fuck, I sound dumb. Uh, sorry I said fuck. (Pause.) I'm really making a mess of this. Look, I liked your ad and thought I would call. I, uh, really like live music, and I would totally buy you tampons any time. I'll shower you in tampons! (Pause.) This is just getting worse. Look, I'm much cooler in person, and I've never done this before, so I hope you give me a call. Uh, like I said, it's Rick, and you can reach me at 983-446-" (Beep.)

. . .

Rick, U Called Me
In response to my ad, but the service
cut U off before I got your number! I want
to call U but I need U to call back and
leave your phone number! Try again,
big boy, stuttering optional. :) 6793

. . .

From: xxxxx [fouriertransform@claxyco.com]
Sent: Tuesday, February 24, 12:13 PM
To: xxxxx [velikovsky@medea.net]
Subject: Sunday night

Hey there, it's Rick--

Just wanted to let you know what a great time I had at the show. I thought the Telescoped Spines pretty much rocked hard, but I wish the opening act hadn't been so lame, you know? Nobody needs to do a raga cover of "Word Up." Anyway, I had a blast and would totally love to see you again, if you're up for that. Email me back or give me a call if that sounds cool. We have an unfinished James Clavell conversation! :)

Rick

. . .

(Beep.) "Hey, sweetie, it's Fiona. I thought maybe I could catch you, but you're probably on your way over with another load of stuff. This is really dumb, but do you have salad tongs? I wanted to make a nice salad later, but I don't have any tongs. I could always go buy some, but if you have some . . . hee! hee! This is dumb, I'll just ask you when you get here. See you in a few minutes! Love you." (Beep.)

. . .

FILE #97-1000345-675

Officer Brooks responded to a 911 call in which complainant reported her boyfriend engaging in erratic behavior on their stoop. Complainant was frightened for her safety and had locked the front door. Upon reaching the scene, the officer observed suspect on stoop was wearing large diaper and shower cap and nothing else. When approached, the suspect brandished a handful of tampons and said something to the effect that the suspect was "trained by angry monks" in the martial arts. Suspect then began sobbing about the complainant, claiming that his "gift" would make her forgive him for his actions. The officer presumed the suspect meant the tampons, but was unable to extract more information due to overall incoherence. The suspect made further tearful statements regarding "innocent [sexual acts of oral nature]" and someone named "Tina" who "understood the fundamental innocence of infantilism." The suspect was placed into custody and taken to Harborview Medical Center for observation.

. . .

Still Standing
Want to stand next to me? You won't
be sorry. SWF, 30, who has seen some of
this, and too much of that. Likes live music,
her dog, and a responsive police force, so
don't fuck with me unless I ask. U be: 25-30,
reasonably HWP, and, yes, willing to buy
me tampons if necessary. Some things are
non-negotiable in this life. No freaks. 3578

XOXOX | Skot | 26 Feb, 2003 |

Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

We have an unfinished James Clavell conversation!

This is where I stopped believing in your characters.

Comment number: 002532   Posted by: Snarky on February 27, 2003 08:58 AM from IP: 198.151.13.8

You had no trouble sashaying past the "raga cover of 'Word Up'?"

Comment number: 002533   Posted by: Skot on February 27, 2003 09:29 AM from IP: 140.107.120.123

look, my dating life is MY BUSINESS, ok? i told you that story in confidence!!!!!!

Comment number: 002534   Posted by: fiona on February 27, 2003 09:53 AM from IP: 12.43.61.34

You had no trouble sashaying past the "raga cover of 'Word Up'?"

But he insulted it! Totally believable.

Comment number: 002535   Posted by: Snarky on February 27, 2003 06:18 PM from IP: 141.156.150.14

yeah, i don't know, i've never seen personal ads that clever.

plus, "fiona"?

Comment number: 002536   Posted by: ester on February 27, 2003 08:52 PM from IP: 130.58.231.204

Hey, I like the name Fiona. Besides, why should I listen to an organic chemical compound?

On the other hand, I'm also being criticized by "Snarky," whom I happen to know is an ELIZA-based bother-bot. He got banned from Metafilter, so now he just follows me around.

The world continues to frighten me.

Comment number: 002537   Posted by: Skot on February 27, 2003 09:06 PM from IP: 63.187.240.73

He got banned from Metafilter, so now he just follows me around.

How does he got banned from, so now he just follows you around make you feel?

Comment number: 002538   Posted by: Snarky on February 28, 2003 06:13 AM from IP: 141.156.141.76

Best IzzlePfaff yet.

Comment number: 002539   Posted by: anapestic on February 28, 2003 08:21 AM from IP: 216.181.58.90

chemical compound [aka Queen] beats towelling any day.

Comment number: 002540   Posted by: ester on March 2, 2003 08:01 PM from IP: 130.58.231.204

Loved it (though I needed to Google HWP.)

Comment number: 002541   Posted by: Zed on March 3, 2003 01:34 PM from IP: 209.11.132.117

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