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Tuesday, 14 January
Barely Connected Thoughts That Utterly Fail to Hang Together

I was sitting around rehearsal tonight watching a scene in which a husband and a wife are playing a round of golf together. At one point, the husband walks onto the "green" where his wife is waiting for him, sees his ball, and comments, "Christ, what a lousy lie." Except that tonight he sauntered onstage and said, "Christ, what a lousy lay." And we all had to breathe into paper sacks for a while.

Lousy lays aside, golf is an eminently sensible sport. Really. I've only played about five times in my life, and I never intend to again, but I stand by my statement. Sensible; sensible and utterly right. There's only one other real sport I can think of that is as sensible and right as golf, and that is of course bowling. I submit to you that bowling and golf are the finest of sports, far and away, based on one thing. On-site booze.

On-site booze for the players! That's outstanding! Right-thinking and just! Did you just slice a drive off the fairway? Fuck it! Have a beer! Gutter ball the winning frame? Ehhhhh! Finish your manhattan! Alligators mauled your caddy? Wildly drive the little cart around in circles while whooping "I need a bottle of Absolut and a new caddy, stat!" And so forth.

Why haven't other sports picked up on this important nuance? I cannot think of a sport that would not be improved by fueling up the players, particularly stock-car racing. Everyone wants to see the crashes anyway. This way, there would be nothing but crashes. Everybody wins! Well, except the drivers, but fuck those crackers. This is America! If the populace wants booze-powered human fireballs, then that's what they'll get.


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Comments

To hell with sports -- I want to see Iron Chef done with copious amounts of sake and pwim being poured down the contestants' throats.

Comment number: 002403   Posted by: Snarky on January 15, 2003 08:07 AM from IP: 198.151.13.7

The beer on-site thing is why people join softball leagues, I think, too. Either that, or the revealing uniforms.

Comment number: 002404   Posted by: mark on January 15, 2003 08:11 AM from IP: 66.47.18.130

Don't forget Darts, Pool, Bocce etc.

Oh and Biathlon. Nothing beats a drunken Biathlon.

Comment number: 002405   Posted by: kaf on January 15, 2003 04:13 PM from IP: 65.211.227.34

I dimissed pool and darts from the discussion because I didn't count sports that already take place in bars.

As for bocce, I excluded it on the basis that it's totally made up.

Comment number: 002406   Posted by: Skot on January 15, 2003 07:01 PM from IP: 63.187.235.247

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