Tonight the fiancee (<--uh huh) and I are going to friends' to sample some "exotic meat"--that is, something that isn't beef, pork or chicken, basically. Our friends live near a store that somehow sells this stuff. So we're going to end up tucking into some damn punchline-meat, whether it be Emu, Elk or . . . I don't know. Emily Watson? Anything's possible.

Now of course I know that meat is basically meat, so why discriminate? But I do. I have a powerful urge, for example, to flee any room purporting to be serving turtle meat, and I can't say that I've got any kind of serious jones for rattlesnake, either. I know it's silly, but there you are.

(A brief aside to vegetarians, vegans, and PETA members: I really do respect your point of view. I just don't share it. Don't piss in my ear about it, okay? Thanks.)

And then there's stuff on there that I don't really think of as exotic at all. Lamb? Please. Rabbit? Eh . . . maybe. Venison? Well, I grew up in Idaho eating this stuff. Hey, kangaroo! That's pretty exotic. Some people might feel queasy about eating these cute little hoppers, but they just haven't seen the trailers for Kangaroo Jack yet. I predict a big run on this soon.

You know, that's how they could really market this stuff. Celebrity tie-ins!

Dennis Franz' American Buffalo: Cook and Eat This Fucking Meat, You Fuck!
Jerry Bruckheimer's Kangaroo Jack: Buy Some Meat And Receive 1 Free "Get Out of Theater" Pass
Kevin Spacey's Albino Alligator: It Bites!
Danny Bonaduce's Partridge Family: Please, Please Just Buy Some

I think this could work.