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Tuesday, 17 December
I Loathe the Able-Bodied

I work--or rather, "don't work very hard"--in a 20-story office building. I am on the 20th floor. This of course necessitates many rides up the elevator, which affords me (nice, stable me!) many opportunities for the unnecessary hatred of my fellow man.

For example, I was just on my way back up from lunch (read: cigarette), cruising along happily in my own unoccupied car when bing! I stop at 15. An apparently healthy young woman enters the car bearing the Atlas-like load of one manila envelope. She pushes a button.

Bing!

She gets off on 16.

HEY! You freaking baked potato. You couldn't handle one flight of stairs? This irritated me greatly, so I tackled her from behind and put her into an excruciatingly painful wrestling hold called the Estonian Milkshake of Agony until security hauled me off of her and clapped me in leg irons.

Not really. But I wanted to. Jesus. She must be a charter member of the Society of the Apparently Legless.

Other thing that burned my less-than-asbestos ass re: the able-bodied today: following completion of burning-stick-of-lunch, I wandered back over to the front door of the building. There is, nicely, a big button with a handicapped symbol on it so that people on crutches or in wheelchairs can whap it, and the door will open automatically for them. Like I say, nice (and, in a cancer care facility, pretty useful). So I'm walking up to the door, and a nice, young couple of kids are at the door and they hit the door-opening button.

Now really. Reach out with your wonderful, youthful arms and open the fucking door for Christ's sake! You have so many years to come in your future that will be filled with helplessness, infirmity and despair. Do you have to usher them in with such eagerness? So I naturally took out my boot knife and stabbed them in the eyes. Then I stood bestride their fallen bodies and screamed to the skies, "I CLEANSE THE WORLD! I AM PURE LIGHT!" until security came and hauled me off.

Not really.

Confess | Skot | 17 Dec, 2002 |

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Comments

they have those handicap-button things at the school where i brazenly steal internet access, and true to form, all sorts of legged people push it and walk through the flapping doors, which stand open for about a year, or possibly several seconds, spilling air conditioning into the great outdoors.

but hey, i'm stealing your soapbox ain't i? suffice to say, i'm going to steal your pure light idea, and possibly your car as well.

Comment number: 002332   Posted by: aikan on December 17, 2002 02:27 PM from IP: 150.252.72.6

Perhaps if the button simultaneously opened the door and handicapped the able-bodied.

Whoosh, the door opens, and CRACK! your knees are broken with big hammers. You reflect on the sudden irony as you crawl inside.

Comment number: 002333   Posted by: Skot on December 17, 2002 02:53 PM from IP: 140.107.123.114

For the total experience, you need to park in a handicapped space, leap from your car and skip lightly to the door, which you open with the big button, waltz through and take the elevator one floor to the handicapped stall in the bathroom, where you piss all over everything, spoiling it for the truly needy. Least, that's what I do.

Comment number: 002334   Posted by: Joe Wack on December 17, 2002 03:29 PM from IP: 165.247.39.182

What? Other women are riding in the elevator with you? I can see that I'm going to have to push that slut out of the way and then stop OUR elevator between floors. I won't be ignored.

Comment number: 002335   Posted by: DesperatelySeekingSkot on December 18, 2002 11:39 AM from IP: 216.181.58.90

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