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Tuesday, 03 December
Ask Mr. Computer! (That's me.)

Some friends of mine come to me for help with their computers, and I always help them, because that's the kind of ridiculously nice and smart person I am. I recently helped my friend from Drablands with his Apple computer and now it runs like a dream! Assuming you dream of the things I do, like poisoning little kids and eating lots of hot dogs.

So if you want to, you can ask Mr. Computer (that's me) about your computer problems! It doesn't matter if you have a Kaypro or a Harley Packer, I can help you with style!

So, remember the magic phrase: ASK MR. COMPUTER or DIE!


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

So, remember the magic phrase: ASK MR. COMPUTER or DIE!

Wow. Talk about being gored by the horns of a dilemma!

Comment number: 002284   Posted by: Anapestic on December 3, 2002 10:12 AM from IP: 216.181.58.90

Can I both ask Mr. Computer and die?

Comment number: 002285   Posted by: Snarky Snark and the Funky Bunch on December 3, 2002 10:50 AM from IP: 198.151.13.7

RFC: New slogan wording.

We hereforth propose that Mr. Computer™'s revised slogan should read as follows:

ASK MR. COMPUTER AND/OR DIE!

Comments due by 12 December 2002.

Comment number: 002286   Posted by: claxy on December 3, 2002 11:11 AM from IP: 134.197.57.87

Disagree. Not backwards compatible. Would you obsolete a whole generation of slogan users out of some desire to be "more logical"?

Comment number: 002287   Posted by: rodii (1) on December 3, 2002 11:27 AM from IP: 141.212.192.228

Dear Mister Computer:

I do not want to die.

My computer doesn't like to work. When I turn it on, sometimes it says I didn't shut it down right and it makes me wait. Then sometimes I get a blue screen with lots of numbers. Then sometimes I get a black screen. Sometimes it will work.

Thank you for your help, you are the bomb.

Comment number: 002288   Posted by: Hapless on December 3, 2002 11:29 AM from IP: 208.27.203.128

Obviously, Ask Mr. Computer or Die! is the most relevant slogan, as it represents a binary choice. If you want to get into the and/or equation, you're getting into all kinds of fuzzy logic and stuff that causes migraines.

The choice can be easily represented by showing the potential asker two pictures. One, the ask option, is a happy picture of Alice the Goon, beloved Popeye compatriot. the "death" option is a picture of Wimpy, or maybe that Jeep creature that ruined the whole Popeye oeuvre.

Comment number: 002289   Posted by: kafkaesque on December 3, 2002 11:48 AM from IP: 65.211.227.34

I am sorry to see some people here dying. Mr. Computer will resist the urge to do the Nasty Frug on your graves.

My computer doesn't like to work. When I turn it on, sometimes it says I didn't shut it down right and it makes me wait. Then sometimes I get a blue screen with lots of numbers. Then sometimes I get a black screen. Sometimes it will work.

Those in the know like Mr. Computer (that's me) refer to that screen as the BSOD--short for Basic System Output Delimiter. I know that's a lot of jargon. Basically it comes up when an error was detected in the startup procedure, and it wants you to correct the error. You can simply do this by changing your autoexec.bat file, which you might have to load a CD to access. Just take everything out of the file, because that's where the errors are stored. No problem!

If you are getting the black screen, that is more serious. It means your background color has been reset. You need to change the background color to blue so you can fix your errors.

One time I got a pink screen and I didn't know what was going on! I screamed VIRUS! and unplugged my phone line really quick because that way you can stop the virus in the line. But then I remembered that I was pointing my bursar at pornography and I had to laugh. Even Mr. Computer (I bet you know that's me) sometimes gets it wrong!

Comment number: 002290   Posted by: Skot on December 3, 2002 12:00 PM from IP: 140.107.123.114

You should print up slogans with ask(mr.computer) || die(); on them, really appeal to the geek crowd.

Anyway, my question is: I think hackers may be able to access private information such as my credit card number or my shoe size. What can I do to protect myself from these malicious hackers when I'm on the web?

Comment number: 002291   Posted by: zempf on December 3, 2002 01:08 PM from IP: 152.163.190.1

Dear Mister Computer,

While surfing the web looking for some hot monkey on monkey action, I stumbled across your site. Bravo on your orangutan section. Unfortunately, I also found your threatening computer help desk, and will now ask for your help in order to forestall my untimely demise.

While installing a wireless access point in my house, I discovered that the setup program provided by Linksys would not run on my Win 95 box. I would like to turn on the WEP, but cannot do so without running the setup program. Please help!

Comment number: 002292   Posted by: Monkey Man on December 3, 2002 01:13 PM from IP: 198.151.13.7

Anyway, my question is: I think hackers may be able to access private information such as my credit card number or my shoe size. What can I do to protect myself from these malicious hackers when I'm on the web?

I agree that crackers are delicious, but you have to be careful. Once I got crumbs in my keyboard and the F button wouldn't work and I couldn't type "fuck you" in my emails any more! It was terrible, and I lost my job reviewing restaurants. But now I can type fuck a lot! Fuck you, Dairy Queen! See, like that. I was a pro.

Anyway, your credit cards are just plastic, so I don't know what the problem is. You can't get into the plastic. It's all in there, not the computer.

Shoe size! Jeezum! You could chop your feet off and then tell your story at chopyourfeetoff.com and they will give you fifty bucks! How come nobody knows these things? I guess that's why I'm Mr. Computer!

Comment number: 002293   Posted by: Skot on December 3, 2002 01:30 PM from IP: 140.107.123.114

While installing a wireless access point in my house, I discovered that the setup program provided by Linksys would not run on my Win 95 box. I would like to turn on the WEP, but cannot do so without running the setup program. Please help!

Well, for one thing, you need wires! How is it supposed to work if you can't plug it in? You can get wires by going to wires.com and clicking "wires." Then you can run your situp program. Rip those abs! Mr. Computer (me) frowns on exercise normally, but I'm in a good mood today because I found some free smokes in the ashtray downstairs.

Comment number: 002294   Posted by: Skot on December 3, 2002 03:01 PM from IP: 140.107.123.114

I'm still not clear on one thing. This Mr. Computer person: is he you, or someone else?

Comment number: 002295   Posted by: Befuddled on December 4, 2002 06:55 AM from IP: 216.181.58.90

IzzlePfaff.com: How is it supposed to work if you can't plug it in?

Comment number: 002296   Posted by: claxy on December 4, 2002 09:40 AM from IP: 134.197.57.87

Mr. Computer, I'm looking for hosting advice. Can you help?

Comment number: 002297   Posted by: dj on December 6, 2002 12:21 PM from IP: 206.252.205.126

I'm looking for hosting advice. Can you help

It's not really Mr. Computer's field, my friend, but it's a slow day so I will try! (There is a problem with my email system! I got a letter from a friend and they said they loved me and now there are technician guys here to help me find my love letter again. So it is slow.)

Anyway,Catholics are bound to believe in transubstantiation, which differs slightly from the beliefs of the Orthodox and other churches with apostolic succession. Transubstantiation is the belief that the host and wine retain the "accidents" of their substance. An accident is a quality that is not essential to the object in order for it to be what it is. For example, it is not necessary for a dog to be a specific color in order for it to be a dog. A dog is still a dog whether it is black or white. An orange does not have to taste sweet in order for it to be an orange. It can be under-ripe and sour. And so forth. Catholics believe that the host and the wine retain their accidents while transforming by nature into the body and blood of Christ. So the host is not longer really a host, but the body of Christ, and the wine is no longer the wine but the blood of Christ. They look the same but have a different reality. Since the bread is truly converted into the body of Christ, the host must be revered and adored as Christ himself.

I hope that helps, and happy hosting! And donít skimp on the Christ.

Comment number: 002298   Posted by: Skot on December 6, 2002 03:24 PM from IP: 140.107.123.114

Please Send me a super slogan to an function of dept of computer science

Comment number: 002299   Posted by: Sivaraman on February 26, 2003 05:31 AM from IP: 202.9.169.85

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