Abramoff Abandoned On Ice Floe

BAFFIN ISLAND, CANADA--Beleagured and disgraced political lobbyist Jack Abramoff was forced at gunpoint today by armed GOP officials to enter onto a loose ice floe in northern Canada. The ice floe was then kicked free by Sen. Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) over the agonized screams of Mr. Abramoff as he drifted into the icy Arctic waters of Baffin Bay. "Have a good trip, you son of a bitch," Sen. Stevens was heard to say as Abramoff gabbled manically around the floating ice shelf. "You can rub noses with God when you see him."

Stevens then gave a brief press conference where he explained that the GOP's unexpected action in the Abramoff case was inspired by the indigenous "Renuzit" people of the region. Reporters who attempted to correct Mr. Stevens by suggesting that it was actually an Inuit tradition were angrily shouted down with hideous imprecations and vague threats against their families. Crossbow attacks were mentioned more than once by Mr. Stevens, who unnerved many in the crowd by drawing a bead on certain reporters in attendance with his fingers and making "FFFT! FFFFT! AAAAH, TED STEVENS SHOT ME WITH A CROSSBOW!" noises.

Prominent Republican figures have been distancing themselves from Abramoff ever since the scandal broke over the disgraced lobbyist's financial shenanigans. President George W. Bush donated an allegedly Abramoff-related sum of money to charity after the story broke, saying, "To be honest, we didn't know this money was tainted. We believed at the time that it was legitimate profit from baby meat." And Senate majority leader Tom DeLay (R-Texas), when interviewed in a cooling pool of urine, commented, "It's disgraceful what happened here. Just disgraceful. I can only hope the American people see this for what it is: a rogue lobbyist acting in a manner that was really difficult to help but admire, and, subsequently, take advantage of. However, I have faith that the American public will see these actions for what they are--cheap Democratic theatrics designed to ensure that I share a cell with someone named Thick Dick Rick." Mr. DeLay added tearily, "Please don't make me share his cell. He's going to fuck me right into the wall."

Nothing is certain in Washington now with these developments, except perhaps for the lingering death that awaits Mr. Abramoff. As hypothermia sets in--almost immediately, according to health experts--he is likely to lose consciousness and then be eaten by hungry polar bears.

Coca-Cola is reportedly in contact with Abramoff's family about future Christmas-themed ads where Mr. Abramoff is eaten by the corporation's familiar polar bear icons for next Christmas season. "We think [the eating-of-Abramoff ads] could be big," said one Coke executive who preferred to remain unnamed. "Who doesn't want to see partially frozen lobbyists devoured by angry bears?"

"The only problem is finding the guy's corpse," continued the Coke executive. "The Arctic Sea is kind of big. Maybe if we stuck a GPS up his ass. Is he already gone?"

Additional reporting for this story was provided by S. Claus, D. Halberstam and H. Mandel.