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Friday, 09 December
Drink Me

There is a television ad that's been running for some time now that has become a real staple of the Pfaff household here. For one thing, we can't get enough of it. For another thing, it is possibly the creepiest ad I've ever seen; the wife and I can't quite believe it hasn't been laughed off the screen. But it hasn't. I just saw it again tonight.

The ad is for Disaronno. Disaronno, despite sounding like the name of some noxious laxative, is actually, according to the website, an "Italian liqueur flavored with herbs and fruits soaked in apricot kernel oil." So, my bad! It is a noxious laxative! And, apparently, a really sophisticated way to spend your evening getting loaded. And you know? I really think we don't soak enough stuff in apricot kernel oil.

(Incidentally, one of the first page of Google hits on "Disaronno" is this: "Amazon.com: So You'd Like to... Enjoy a Disaronno Margarita." I imagined that the extended body text on that page read: "Unfortunately, actually enjoying this is totally impossible. Instead, consider drinking a regular fucking margarita, you freak." I know that tonight I will sleep uneasily, dreaming of Disaronno margaritas.)

The ad is simplicity itself. As the spot begins, it's LIGHTS UP on an upscaley bar, where beautiful young people cluster about (but not claustrophobically! They're socially bunched, but warmly so), celebrating their youth, their beauty, and their utterly improbable diversity. "We have a black friend!" A gaunt bartender is serving drinks. "Disaronno sour," he intones (I don't really remember what drink he actually says), setting down a glass. "Disaronno martini," he says, putting down another.

(Let's leave aside my sort of hard-line martini stance, which is that martinis are made with GIN and ONLY GIN as the base. Drink your vodka martinis if you must, but really: must you? Anyway, needless to say that this "Disaronno martini"-purveying whey-faced ghoul is already my enemy when he lays the drink down.)

And then a lovely lady sidles up to the bar and fixes the ghoul with a provocative look. Her hair is immaculately glued to her aerodynamic skull, and she smirks at ghoul provocatively as she says, "Disaronno on the rocks." Cut to ghoul, who is transfixed. The corners of his mouth jerk up uncomfortably, as if he were thinking, I can tell to the pound how much you would weigh as carved-up meat. "Disaronno on the rocks it is," he gurgles.

Then there's some meaningless voiceover horseshit extolling the WARM LAXATIVE taste of Disaronno as the guy turns to pour her drink. Oh, and by the way? Behind the bar are liquor shelves with nothing but bottles of Disaronno. Hey, what a great bar! It's like being at an airport bar, but with fewer choices! Say, what's on draft? Disaronno! Okay, what's your special? Disaronno! Hey, why is this floor sticky? Hopefully . . . Disaronno!

Finally, the hot chick--honestly, though, she's really kind of a stick, but if you like that sort of Kate Mossean clatterbones thing, go nuts--gets her drink. She gives ghoul another smoldering stare, as if to say, "You sure can pour liquid over ice, buster!" and then ecstatically takes a quaff before returning to ostentatiously laughing with her friends, including the black one. Good for him! We've come a long way.

There is then a cut to her glass, basically empty. Ghoul reaches for it . . . and . . . she stops him, laying her alabaster hand over his! He's surprised! He's touching her! Holy shit! Cut to her face. She impishly shakes her head at him in a flirtatious reprimand. She fishes out one ice cube from her glass and slowly, oh, so slowly, reaches up and puts it sensuously into her mouth, much like any gal would do with a booze-covered ice cube, or, geez, I don't know, an erect penis. Maybe I'm just projecting here.

Anyway, she closes her eyes as she sucks on the phallocube. And here's where the commercial truly knocks it out of the park. Because right then they cut back to ghoul, who is again totally rooted to the spot watching this wanton display of oral gratification. He's stunned! He can't believe this chick! And then he smiles the most alarming, simian smile ever caught on video. The smile slowly starts at the corners of his mouth and crawl horribly up towards his terrible face. It really is impossible to describe; in overall effect, imagine how the Tall Man from the Phantasm movies would look if he were very slowly getting an erection. It's the kind of face that says, "I sure would like to date-rape you . . . but I don't think I can wait that long!"

That's the whole ad. But that indelible face made by ghoul will stay with you forever, I promise. It is kind of a ritual that after the wife and I see that ad, I will inevitably turn to her and try to replicate that nightmarish leer. I cannot do it, of course--I came close one time when I imagined two leeches clamped onto the sides of my mouth, both trying their best to slowly crawl into my nostrils, dragging my lips up into an unwilling rictus. "Ew, God!" said the wife. But I can't bear to try that mental feat again.

Anyway. DISARONNO! Order it in your favorite bar! Or, even better, go to a bar that doesn't have anything else! Get loaded! And don't forget, when you're pinned against your car by that knife-wielding bar ghoul that you've been cruelly teasing all night: Hey, at least you'll be regular in the morning. It's the apricot kernel oil.


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

phallocube. Good word.

Comment number: 005765   Posted by: Sin on December 9, 2005 02:34 AM from IP: 193.61.220.3

I think the creepiest bit is when they all throw their heads back and laugh exaggeratedly. It's ominous somehow, as though they're plotting something. SOMEDAY WE WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD WITH OUR PERFUNCTORY ETHNIC DIVERSITY AND BLANDLY INOFFENSIVE GOOD LOOKS! ALL WILL FEAR THE AMARETTO ARMY! AH HA HA HA HA!

Comment number: 005766   Posted by: Robin on December 9, 2005 05:26 AM from IP: 212.47.73.46

I'm pretty sure this commercial is based on an episode of Dr. Who. Except in Dr. Who everyone was dressed as a clown and instead of Disaronno it was human blood. But, you know, otherwise -- exactly the same.

Comment number: 005767   Posted by: Andrew on December 9, 2005 06:32 AM from IP: 155.212.229.242

The commercial is bad, for certain. The booze is pretty good though.

Comment number: 005768   Posted by: Rob Drimmie on December 9, 2005 07:01 AM from IP: 216.75.169.105

I always leer at my husband at the end of this commercial, and the trick is to imagine that you are peeing your pants. And use lots of expressive eyebrow. It's that kind of simpering leer.

Comment number: 005769   Posted by: laura on December 9, 2005 09:31 AM from IP: 71.40.125.185

The description of the bartender's last look at the skinny chick is priceless. Although I just watched the ad again, and maybe I'm just not as cyincal as you, but it really didn't bother me that much ;)

Comment number: 005770   Posted by: Shelly on December 9, 2005 10:40 AM from IP: 69.234.230.134

o gawd! that ad kills me. thank you for the assurance that I am not alone in my fear/hatred/distrust of those simpering ninnies and those horrible cheekbones! I crap my pants every time the elvira chick gives the bartender that little no-no-no! and smoothly snatches back her cup of ice cubes. for some reason I think of wayne knight (newman on seinfeld) in jurassic park, portrayed on his little dino-security passkey screen saver saying over and over "nah-ah-ah! you didnt use the right code!" it makes me want to kill. kill. kill, kill, kill, eat blood and veins in my teeth, kill! ah, well. I live for this. please skot, set us up with a description of the advertisement featuring the hot young folks attending the baileys irish cream party- the one with the empty bottle and cum-dribble that the guy catches off of the chick's waiting tongue. "sense of timing." please.

Comment number: 005771   Posted by: spinal on December 9, 2005 01:51 PM from IP: 128.95.197.70

"I sure would like to date-r*pe you...but I don't think I can wait that long." Perfection--you slay me!

Comment number: 005772   Posted by: S on December 9, 2005 02:55 PM from IP: 66.235.58.7

Oh...thank you. I feared that somehow I had fallen so out of touch with reality that I was the only one who found that ad disturbing.
Your description is priceless.
I really do think they are the un-dead.

Comment number: 005773   Posted by: el on December 11, 2005 07:35 AM from IP: 131.191.10.9

I've never been to a bar where you can actually hear people speak. Pray tell - where are they located?

Comment number: 005774   Posted by: Lala on December 12, 2005 12:11 PM from IP: 198.103.172.9

I feel like I need a shower now. That guy is so creepy. And you just know he wears Drakkar.

Comment number: 005775   Posted by: Nora on December 12, 2005 01:25 PM from IP: 24.188.90.97

Too funny! Hubby and I have been shaking our heads at all these types of commercials that are especially prevelant now, during the christmas season. (Why buy a real gift, give em booze!)

But what gets me is that when they show her taking the ice out of the glass, there's still like a 1/4 inch of booze left in the glass. Why not finish your drink before your phallocube, for crissake?? Waste of good apriocot kernel oil if you ask me.

Comment number: 005776   Posted by: jamie on December 12, 2005 01:35 PM from IP: 204.156.76.14

It truly is a creepy commercial. But what's really weird is that they have convinced you they're actually drinking Disaronno when actually they're not. Watch closely -- there is no alcohol consumed at all. The phallocube never even reaches her mouth.

Comment number: 005778   Posted by: Alejo on December 13, 2005 05:57 PM from IP: 71.35.98.157

I found your blog via Comment number: 005779   Posted by: Jenny on December 14, 2005 01:19 PM from IP: 4.225.172.225

Well hell. I totally skeezed that up. Sorry.

Comment number: 005780   Posted by: Jenny on December 14, 2005 01:23 PM from IP: 4.225.172.225

Ha Ha Ha. I'm Australian, so I'll never get to see this 'ad', but I must say, I nearly pissed myself laughing at Skot's descriptions.

Comment number: 005782   Posted by: cat on December 14, 2005 07:09 PM from IP: 202.12.144.21

I found this commercial very annoying. A very astute observation about the diversity component. I, however, had a somewhat different take on that commercial. First of all, I see a woman whose body is so thin that I am not sure how all of her body organs fit into her skin. I see her ordering DiSorrano--I thought it used to be Ameretta--on the rocks. So far I've read the comments that her touch and the look she gives the bartender is provocative, I on the other hand, think that in her mind as she coyly reprimands the bartender she isn't being flirtatious, she's thinking, "Don't touch that ice buddy, that's my dinner!" I mean what else would a woman who looks like eat? Ice--that's it.
I noticed that someone brought up the Bailey's commercial where the woman is trying to catch that drop of Bailey's in her mouth. I think that the move made by the both of them is supposed to be a secretly shared indulgence. As the drop of Bailey's drifts to her mouth, a man slides his glass under it and catches it and then makes a face at the both of them. I figure that's her boyfriend but probably husband who catches the whole scenario in the corner of his eye and intervenes to be a real buzzkill. Letting both of them know--"I can see you and don't do that again." Ok--so that's what I think. BUT don't you think that the Bailey's bartender is the same guy as the DiSorrano bartender??? Tell me what you think. I think I'm right.
Mare

Comment number: 005786   Posted by: Mary Lou on December 17, 2005 11:52 PM from IP: 63.23.219.173

I found this commercial very annoying. A very astute observation about the diversity component. I, however, had a somewhat different take on that commercial. First of all, I see a woman whose body is so thin that I am not sure how all of her body organs fit into her skin. I see her ordering DiSorrano--I thought it used to be Ameretta--on the rocks. So far I've read the comments that her touch and the look she gives the bartender is provocative, I on the other hand, think that in her mind as she coyly reprimands the bartender she isn't being flirtatious, she's thinking, "Don't touch that ice buddy, that's my dinner!" I mean what else would a woman who looks like eat? Ice--that's it.
I noticed that someone brought up the Bailey's commercial where the woman is trying to catch that drop of Bailey's in her mouth. I think that the move made by the both of them is supposed to be a secretly shared indulgence. As the drop of Bailey's drifts to her mouth, a man slides his glass under it and catches it and then makes a face at the both of them. I figure that's her boyfriend but probably husband who catches the whole scenario in the corner of his eye and intervenes to be a real buzzkill. Letting both of them know--"I can see you and don't do that again." Ok--so that's what I think. BUT don't you think that the Bailey's bartender is the same guy as the DiSorrano bartender??? Tell me what you think. I think I'm right.
Mare

Comment number: 005787   Posted by: Mary Lou on December 17, 2005 11:52 PM from IP: 63.23.219.173

I confess that I enjoy Disaronno on the rocks. Truer to life would be the commercial in which Beanpole takes the ice-cube, runs it over her naked body and invites Ghoulish Bartender to lick her clean.

Comment number: 005823   Posted by: adriana on December 30, 2005 08:38 PM from IP: 69.86.143.76

First of all I want to say that the only thing that sticks out in my mind is that the only good martini is made of Gin...only Gin and Tanqueray the only good Gin to me. (all others taste too much of perfumy herbs...eewwww) and with only Martini & Rossi vermouth. (extra dry) As far as the Disaronno commercial I kept the creepy feelings it gave me to myself dreading the moment when she creepily gives the bartender her wry, only one side of her mouth upturned, no...no...no..look and then in the best soft core way popping his icy cocktail remainders into her mouth. (I never even noticed how creepy the bartender was) and then the gosh darned Baileys commercial came out and there we are again, enjoying homogeneous good-lookers being cheeky and subtly seksie about creamy liquors...yikes

Comment number: 005853   Posted by: lammy on January 12, 2006 07:30 PM from IP: 69.207.184.242

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