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Friday, 11 November
Chicago! Not The Musical.

Craving new Izzle Pfaff hi-larity over the coming week, are you? No? Nobody? Well, you're all in luck! On Sunday, the wife and I travel to the City of Hot Dogs, fair Chicago! So I'll be blessedly silent for a good week or so. Our good friends S. and J. have agreed to put us up for our stay, and I just can't wait to make fun of them or the city they live in. Yes, I'm on a serious joke-finding mission, and nothing--not inclement weather, not the generosity of our hosts, not even a minimum standard of goodwill nor taste--will make me stray from my path. My path to hot dogs. And also to Ozzie Guillen. I'm bringing him a gift! It's a button that says, "I'm kind of a creep!"

See? I'm not even there yet, and I'm insulting the place! This is going to go great.

It's just too bad that actually getting there will, of course, involve yet another immersion into what has become America's Lousiest Fucking Common Experience, air travel. Oh boy! The airport! We all know how this is going to go.

"Hi, I--"

"HAVE A GUN? GUN! SECURITY!"

And then I'll get gang-tackled by a bunch of guys who got demoted from mall duty. After a brief tussle, I'll finally be muscled into a locked room and surrounded by the brutes.

"Strip off his clothes," will say the one who has mastered human speech. "We've got to find that gun he's been bragging about."

"I don't have a gun!" I'll scream. "All I've got is a cigarette lighter!"

And an ominous hush will settle over the room, as they stare at me with fresh hatred.

"An explosive device!" the lumpen leader will hiss. "You confess! Boys . . . get me Alex."

Helpless tears will roll down my face as I struggle at my restraints. "Who's Alex?" I will gasp.

"He's our bomb-sniffing crocodile. We're going to light him on fire and then slip him right up your asshole. He'll eat that bomb in no time! And maybe your heart. We'll see."

"WHAT BOMB? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" I'll scream. Then I'll pause for a moment. "Wait, why are you lighting it on fire?"

"I dunno. It's in the regs." And he'll show me a little book with a page that clearly says, "IMPORTANT: ALWAYS LIGHT THE BOMB-HUNTING CROCODILE ON FIRE PRIOR TO INSERTION. IT IS TOTALLY HILARIOUS." So there's no getting around that.

And then I just know they're going to make me check a carry-on.

But anyway, when I get back, I have a new project. Just FYI--clear your calendars!--for I am yet again taking the stage for another kind of bullshit theatrical experience that doesn't really require much effort! Which is really my cup of tea these days. In December, Open Circle Theater will be mounting its all-expenses-spared production of a thing called " 'Twas A Night of Shitty Theater," a holiday-themed reader's theater show where actors read from scripts of the worst holiday plays ever imagined by man. Good times! (Note: Good times not actually guaranteed.) I'll keep you posted.

See you after next week. Unless in a fit of button-inspired rage, I get choked to death by Ozzie Guillen. I'm not ruling it out.

Roam | Skot | 11 Nov, 2005 |

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Comments

Hot dogs? Go to the Wiener's Circle on Clark street. Fine greasy fare served by people who yell at you!

Comment number: 005696   Posted by: ryan on November 11, 2005 05:50 AM from IP: 70.226.132.141

If I was Ozzie Guillen, I would totally be on board with the whole "choking you to death" plan. Good times! (Note: Good times while being choked to death not guarranteed for you, but I find it absolutely hilarious)

I hope to read your obit when you get back. Or are shipped back. Or whatever.

Comment number: 005697   Posted by: Jado on November 11, 2005 06:20 AM from IP: 63.109.229.13

Eat italian beef and gyros. Forget the dogs. I suppose pizza would be well advised, too.

If you need crack or heroin, try the west side- the neighborhoods around Augusta & Cicero are a good place to start. Weed can be bought by the dimebag at Congressional Parkway & 5th - right off 290, so it's easy access.

If you want to go on a murdering spree, and you dislike yuppies and young professional types, go to the bars on Weed St. Easy pickings. You might even acquire a nice new tie or purse.

It's always fun to sneak into the employee only areas at the the Shedd Aquarium and shit into the dolphi tanks. The dolphins play tag with the poo if it floats. They get close, nose rub, then flee. Once they forget what it was, they do it all over again. It's great.

I don't know where Ozzie hides, but you can find Tadahito Iguchi at Woodfield Mall in Schaumburg. He visits the NASCAR Experience storefront almost daily. I think he's a Jeff Gordon fan.

Welcome to Chicago! You'll love it here.

Comment number: 005698   Posted by: Steve on November 11, 2005 10:52 AM from IP: 65.112.81.26

I'm with Steve on the beef sandwiches. Definitely get one of those. If it's not too far out of your way, I recommend a place called Susie's on Elston and Montrose. They're open 24 hours as far as I can tell, except don't try them on Christmas Eve. My sister and I thought that mean, crazy Susie would be definitely forsake her family and the holidays so that we could eat beef, but she is apparantly NOT a beef-slinging cyborg. Boo.

Comment number: 005699   Posted by: Amanda on November 11, 2005 07:31 PM from IP: 72.225.225.71

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