WASHINGTON DC--Speaking from the White House lawn on Monday, President Bush sought to capitalize on the political capital he had previously gained from his much-lauded "No Child Left Behind Act," a bold initiative which was widely met with the profound enragement and staggering hair loss of teachers and education professionals nationwide.

"As you all know," said the President to the press, "I have long believed that no child should be left behind. And I still believe that. But America must do better for its children. Nobody must be allowed to slip through the gaping cracks in the tarmac--tarmac? Is that a word? Sounds like a cheeseburger! Gimme a tar-mac! Heh.--uh, tarmac of our educational system. And there are still children being left behind. Heh. 'Behind.' That's funny."

"And that is why today I am proposing a new initiative: the No Children of the Corn Left Behind Act." The President paused for a moment as the crowd gaped unbelievingly at this statement. Bush, apparently sensing the confusion, assured the crowd, "No, no shit, folks." The press, reassured by the now-familiar profanity from the White House staff, chuckled a bit.

"We've done good by little Davey and young Chuck," continued the President. "But what have we done for little Malachai? What can we do for Isaac Chroner? I say we can do more."

"This is America," the President continued, "and I surely think that there are a lot of adults that can stand to be killed. Entire towns. And folks, I can't do that job myself. We need the children of America, and they need us. Who is going to mercilessly slaughter Linda Hamilton, if not our children? Lord knows I've tried." The line drew appreciative laughter. "And who will kill Peter Horton?" At this point, several hands were raised in the crowd.

When asked who would oversee this new program, Bush replied, "Well, I think that He Who Walks Behind the Rows has been doing a bang-up job so far. He's a man, er, or something, of faith, and I can get behind that. The children really look up to him. And I mean that, because he's like seven fuckin' feet tall."

"I really believe that this Row fella can bring it. Believe me, he can get these kids to really bring him the blood of the outlanders. And believe you me, this little Malachai fellow isn't anything to piss on either. He's got one heck of a future with this group; he can kill us oldsters just as quick as a laundry mangler, that one. Given enough support, I really do believe that one day, a child shall lead them."