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Wednesday, 07 September
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And so on Friday began PROJECT: DRINK-O-HOL! In which our hero embarked on a mighty weekend full of liver damage. Yea, may he live forever a few more months.

Friday night wasn't really a bachelor party for J. so much as it was a few of his friends taking him to horrible places where he might be forced to vomit. To that end, we started at, God help me, the Outback Steakhouse. I'm still not sure why. And what's worse is, it wasn't even as horrible as you would imagine. I mean, all they do is fry up steaks; it isn't hard. So the worst thing about the evening was really us dipshits making shitty old Aussie jokes in bad accents. "You call that a knoife? THIS is a knoife! Oh, wait, no, that's my poinis." Horrible. And yet after a couple of Foster's piss-brine, it almost became funny.

Then we went bowling. I would never in a million years expect anyone to read any single thing about bowling, so let's just say we went bowling. (Okay, I'll say one thing. Apparently, my technique was identified as "deep lunging," which made me feel sort of like a porn star. URRR! I LUNGE DEEPLY! Okay, tiger, it's just bowling. Time to go home now.)

On Saturday, we had our first wedding of the damn weekend. It was a backyard affair, and our friend J. was up on the mike with a guitar singing, I'm almost positive, "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" when we showed up. Awesome! Welcome to our wedding: please do not become victim to a maritime tragedy. Have a scone!

As backyard weddings go, it wasn't all totally horrible. Only slightly horrible. Four speakers were on the schedule, and they gave the usual "We give thanks to the four fucking winds" thing or whatever. "We give thanks to the East!" and all that. This is always basically, "We give thanks to, uh, this tree in our way! Now we give thanks to the little league stadium. It's right past that dog manure. Oh, and we give thanks to the South, which you can see a small bit of if you squint into our bathroom window. That guy is kind of peeing south, I guess. I mean, south is 'down,' right?"

Anyway, I mostly gave thanks to the open keg that was conveniently nearby. I'm a swell guy.

Sunday brought our second daytime backyard wedding of the weekend, this time for our friends J. and P. They also happily had open kegs ready to go even before the ceremony, and people raced for them, because, well, theater people. We attacked them like Huns, and before anyone knew what was really going on, J. and P. appeared on the deck for the ceremony, and all of us dipshits were trapped way in the back, by the beer, as the priestess or nutbar or whatever did her business. As a result of this, a lot of us didn't hear what the hell was going on, but that was all our fault.

It didn't help that the house in question was clearly on the approach path to Seatac. So we heard this:

"J. and P. fell in love when . . . "

RRRRRRRROOOOOOAAAAAAAAR

". . . and this was cemented when . . . "

SHRIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK

" . . . until assassins caught up with them . . . "

VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

" . . . extradition is unlikely, thank God!"

So we don't actually know if they're married, but we assume so. And more power to them! I assume Interpol will go easier on them if they are, and we certainly didn't have to endure the hardship of worrying about the interdiction of the Winds or whatever, as they are presumably watching what's-her-face take a piss through the south window.

Aw, hell, to all these people let there be nothing but happiness, and we don't have to say anything about their side businesses, like about importing shaved rats or anything like that. Let them live their lives. Who cares about dangerous rodents or poisoned beer? Not me. Here I am, content as can be, eating my own feet. After a weekend of good fun.

Blessed be.


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Comments

You definitely want to steer clear of the Fosters. Tastes like horse piss. Ditto XXXX AKA Forecks.

Try a bit of Dogbolter or Mathilda Bay. Proper Australian beers.

Comment number: 005563   Posted by: Spike on September 7, 2005 01:24 AM from IP: 203.214.143.97

great post, i like green day very much

Comment number: 005564   Posted by: green day on September 7, 2005 01:10 PM from IP: 201.221.7.13

As a long-time student of the intercultural spaces explored in the discography of Gordon Lightfoot, I must take exception to your reference to the wreck of the 'Edmund Fitzgerald' as a "maritime tragedy". In academic circles it is widely regarded as an unfortunate but necessary culling of the Great Lakes fleet. True, 26,000 tons of iron ore more than the 'Edmund Fitzgerald' weighed empty were lost in addition to all 29 crewmen aboard; still, hardly a "tragedy". Please be more careful in future when referring to mishaps occurring on the big lake they call Gitche Gumee.

Comment number: 005565   Posted by: sgazzetti on September 8, 2005 09:48 AM from IP: 213.253.92.150

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