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Thursday, 18 August
Let's Prejudge More Movies!

Well, the meat of the summer is behind us, and so are all the summer blockbusters. Or at least they thought they were. What happened to War of the Worlds? Spielberg and Cruise, together again! With that awful little blonde child, Dakota Fanning, the one who always makes me wonder why nobody feeds her or lets her sleep! Oh, how the money . . . stopped rolling in!

(I blame Fanning for purely malicious reasons. This consumptive little wench was born in 1994 and already has 18 fucking IMDB entries. She will either flame out and become, if she's very lucky, Drew Barrymore; if very unlucky, oh, Lauren Tewes.)

And who can forget Stealth? Nobody! Because it's impossible to forget an experience you never had. Me, I'm looking forward to seeing this horror on cable, if only to experience lines like this:

Lt. Kara Wade: "Just tell me you love me, you pussy."

HURRAH! Proposed response: "Okay. I love your pussy." Hollywood, I await your calls.

But nothing seemed to die faster than Michael Bay's latest extrusion The Island, which disappeared with such incredible speed and gruesome efficiency that one began to suspect mob involvement. Which is nice to think about: Paulie Walnuts shoving Michael Bay off of a Jersey cliff? MWAH!

What else is lurking in the wings? Let's see.

Four Brothers

Alternate title: Oh, Brother.

Anyone else remembered when John Singleton was hailed as a major new voice in cinema for his didactorama debut Boyz N the Hood? Since then, he's helmed such horrendous insults as the incredibly awful Shaft remake and, God help us all, 2 Fast 2 Furious, which should be included in the annals of Films Titles That Not Only Describe Themselves But Also The Audiences' Reactions. IMDB says that he's signed on to direct a comic book movie, Luke Cage. (Comic book dorks will know this as the name of Power Man, HERO FOR HIRE! His sailient character attributes were: He's really strong, and he's also black.)

I have already mentally rechristened this film as Box Office Leukemia.

As for Four Brothers, all I can say is: is the mom who gets murdered the same actress who killed the Crystalline Entity on ST: TNG? I think it is. That's how excited I am!

The Dukes of Hazzard

I will let forgo commentary on this . . . this object . . . and let some post titles from the IMDB boards speak for me:

"Disgrace"
"The worst."

And, most damning:

"The General Lee's Doors Opened!!!!!!!!!!"

That's ten exclamation points, people! How they have shamed Redneck Nation.

The Transporter 2

Holy Jesus. Why . . . why . . . I mean, what . . . *paces for a while* . . . what the fuck? What? Why would . . . anyone . . . *long pause* . . . WHAT?

FUN FACT! Take a look at IMDB's cast list. 20 entries down you will see the name "Matthew Modine." Yep! There's no character name actually listed, but right on, Matthew! He's right under "Damaris Justamante" and right above "Todd Nasca." Which, I think, is every actor's dream.

The Cave

Clearly, a misogynistic allegory about the horrors of a woman's vagina. This film should be picketed across the country. Did you see the taglines? "Below Heaven is Hell . . . and below Hell is . . . a woman's vagina." That's just rude.

This filmish thing appears to be no different than, say, Alien or Pitch Black or, really, Friday the 13th: it's your standard "Group of dweebs, stuck somewhere, waiting to be killed/eaten/absorbed/converted to Scientology" plot. But, again, look at the cast!

Credited cast:
Cole Hauser .... Jack
Morris Chestnut .... Buchanan
Eddie Cibrian .... Tyler
Rick Ravanello .... Phillip Briggs
Marcel Iures .... Dr. Nicolai
Lena Headey .... Katherine
Piper Perabo .... Charlie

Holy cow. Cole Hauser? Piper Perabo? I think I'm rooting for the vagina.



Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

The first time I saw a preview for Stealth I thought, "Surely, this is a joke?"

Comment number: 005510   Posted by: aldahlia on August 18, 2005 05:34 AM from IP: 12.218.146.132

Me, I'm taken with "Morris Chestnut." [insert obvious "related to Paulie Walnuts?" joke here]

Comment number: 005511   Posted by: Kat on August 18, 2005 07:30 AM from IP: 69.76.21.30

My favorite part about the trailer for Stealth is Jamie Fox's line "I'm gonna blast this plane out the sky!" That and Jessica Biel falling to her death in a malfunctioning ejection seat. Now, if she were falling to her death topless in a malfunctioning ejection seat, we would be onto something.

Funny link related to your Michael Bay rant:

http://www.theonion.com/opinion/index.php?issue=4133

Comment number: 005512   Posted by: Matt on August 18, 2005 08:45 AM from IP: 216.150.202.33

You might also remember that his partner was Iron Fist who may or may not have been Asian.

"(Comic book dorks will know this as the name of Power Man, HERO FOR HIRE! His sailient character attributes were: He's really strong, and he's also black.)"

Comment number: 005513   Posted by: Click here to read my blog about my sailing adventures on August 18, 2005 09:44 AM from IP: 67.169.62.39

You might also remember that his partner was Iron Fist who may or may not have been Asian.

Is there any name more identifiably Asian than Danny Rand? I THINK NOT!

Comment number: 005514   Posted by: Skot on August 18, 2005 10:00 AM from IP: 66.150.9.2

Oh man, you should see Dukes on cable too.

Comment number: 005515   Posted by: beige on August 18, 2005 11:29 AM from IP: 128.95.169.36

What 'The Cave' actually is, for your information, is a blatant, barefaced, shameless, direct rip-off of 'The Descent', a smallish indie horror film that just came out in the UK, which was actually genuinely disturbing and freaky. Hollywood has become apparently so anemic and soulless that it can't even come up a premise for a no-brainer action/horror flick without resorting to balls-out plagiarism.

Comment number: 005516   Posted by: Robin on August 18, 2005 05:49 PM from IP: 80.3.160.10

Hollywood has become apparently so anemic and soulless that it can't even come up a premise for a no-brainer action/horror flick without resorting to balls-out plagiarism.

See also: Bewitched, which is apparently the horror film of the year.

Comment number: 005517   Posted by: Skot on August 19, 2005 07:29 AM from IP: 66.150.9.2

The two classic, quotable euphemisms generated in today's posting:
"Box Office Leukemia"
and
"...rooting for the vagina."

Comment number: 005518   Posted by: flamingbanjo on August 19, 2005 10:38 AM from IP: 64.65.181.81

Rolling Stone gave The Dukes movie zero stars, on a scale of one to five. pretty impressive.

Comment number: 005519   Posted by: cleek on August 19, 2005 12:05 PM from IP: 209.116.70.133

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