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Friday, 05 August
I Have Lofty Goals

At around 9:00 this morning, sitting in my office, I had a revelation. A revelation that left me breathless with its profundity, its uniqueness. It hit me like a thunderbolt, but without the burn scars and neurological failure. Surely nobody has ever had this feeling.

Work sucks, I thought, spinning idly in my office chair. I don't feel like going to work any more. I know! Freaky. I am apparently the Immanuel Kant of my age. I sat for a while, wondering at my staggering thoughts, and then I had to take a piss, and some of it dribbled onto my shorts, so that was a bummer. I cheered myself up by thinking that surely Kant occasionally got some piss on his pants at some point during the creation of Critique of Pure Reason. Probably Tommy Locke, too. I'm betting that guy pissed his pants all the time. "Just because I got some piss on my pants this morning," I can hear him saying, "doesn't mean I will get piss on them tomorrow." Fuck yeah! Tommy Locke was the Bret Boone of his age. Just because Boonie hasn't had a homer in three years doesn't mean he won't hit four tomorrow! Even if that means he has to do it against Harold "Aint' Got No Arms" Femelhebber, who pitches for the Bakersfield Sawdust!

These are the things I was thinking about when I decided to take tomorrow off.

What am I going to do tomorrow? Well, I guess the first thing I'll do is get some piss on my pants a little bit. And then I'm going to watch me some TV ads. There's a bumper crop out there! And not just the stale old Vehix ads that I've already complained about, and give me bouts of incontinence. There's newer stuff!

For example, the humiliating ads for Red Roof Inns (whatever the hell those are). They are horrifying and delightful, and look like they were shot in a country whose currency valuation is pegged to Safeway coupons. In one, a fellow is limbo-ing on his hotel bed, and crows, "How low can you go?!" Apparently referring to the relative inexpense of staying at a Red Roof Inn, but only highlighting the relative inexpense of creating the ad itself. In another spot, a fellow is watching TV, and says, "The chances of working tonight are . . . remote." And he holds up a remote control and gives a big fake laugh. It's like watching student films made by the bongmeisters at Delta Rho, and they are about as funny as infected hangnails.

But in the end, you kind of have to laugh, because, come on: Red Roof Inn? I have no problem with cheapo hotels at all, but neither do I expect them to come up with ad magic either.

This brings us to some Coca-Cola ads. They do have money.

Which is why it's so baffling that they're choosing to disinter the old 70s chestnut ad with the hippies who sang "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing"--which became an improbable radio hit song for some group of session musicians who called themselves the New Seekers--only clumsily updating it for our new generation, in the form of an embarrassingly, obviously totally uncool scrubbed group of hilariously non-indie kids. "I'd like to teach the world to chill," sings a guy on a rooftop, who is surrounded by various immaculately groomed mycoteens squatting fungally around him, joining him in his awful paean to HFCS-loaded serum that will one day TAKE OVER THE WORLD, and god help you, Pepsi! We've got the pod-kids on our side!

So that's what I'm doing tomorrow. Better than working, I say. Just sit around, watching ads. And maybe occasionally pissing on my pants.

Beats work.

Confess | Skot | 05 Aug, 2005 |

Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

Your last comments leads me to believe that you’re really going to enjoy old age, Skot.


Comment number: 005484   Posted by: Lung the Younger on August 5, 2005 02:20 AM from IP: 80.58.34.109

the worst part of the coke ad (and this is saying something) is that i'm preeeetty sure the "front man" is G Love (of G Love and Special Sauce, or whatever that band was called). he says something about "G Love" at the end of the song, so i'm guessing he's pointing out that's who he is. this is sad. it's sad because he used to have a career, right? i can't name a song, but i remember the name. and it's also sad that he actually says his name in the commercial. what a dickhead.

Comment number: 005485   Posted by: pepper on August 5, 2005 08:23 AM from IP: 167.88.200.30

Ah! Now perhaps Skot can answer the age old question....

When we see the coke add (and can stomach it until the end) they pan back and Hey! It's Philly! And we're supposed to feel all cool that they honored our (nearest) city with such a spot in an ad.

However my suspicion is that for different parts of the country it's Hey! Chicago or Hey! Seattle, or (hopefully) Hey! Gnome!

Perhaps the all-knowing Skot can provide the answer.

Comment number: 005486   Posted by: jamie on August 5, 2005 09:16 AM from IP: 204.156.76.14

damn, I knew that was G-love of the special sauce. piss. I saw those guys at the now defunct pine st theater, formerly known as la luna, formerly known as meow meow hatchacha or something to that effect, in SE portland. sad to say, they had some funky and cool tunes, so screw you lung, I liked em. you could throw a hip and dislocate a toe listening to songs like 'cold beverage,' or 'garbage man.' I could vomit for having it pointed out to me that G love is fronting that scabfest of a coke commercial. ..not to mention, they are from (shout out!) philly. ..but really, check out 'coast to coast motel,' and please ignore the pathetic dude with the guitar in the ad.

but dammit anyway, I wrote in to point out skot's cheery use of an acronym that is not well known outside of cancer research circles. those not in the loop ought to know that the FCS in HCFS is 'fetal calf serum,' and H stands for 'heat-inactivated.' yummers! I have always wondered why coke was so syrupy nutritious. your mutant HeLa cells will happily divide in its hormone and growth factor enriched goodness for many days, friend!

..in effect, skot tells us (true to form) 'enjoy your bovine plasma extract, G love fans! let us rejoice with a cold beverage (har) atop the roof adjacent the purina factory!'

o happy day spent home.

Comment number: 005487   Posted by: spinal on August 5, 2005 11:25 PM from IP: 140.142.182.179

..wups I had better learn to shoot straight.

'screw you, pepper!'

Comment number: 005488   Posted by: spinal on August 5, 2005 11:28 PM from IP: 140.142.182.179

I was totally into Mycoteen and the Fungal Squatters back in the day, you know, before they sold out. Got all their split sevens.

Comment number: 005489   Posted by: j on August 6, 2005 04:27 AM from IP: 68.170.80.72

I thought that "HFCS" meant High-Fructose Corn Syrup.

Comment number: 005490   Posted by: Kate on August 6, 2005 09:40 AM from IP: 63.205.68.50

my god, kate (above) is correct.

there you go, folks- never drink and post. hyclone bioproducts sells their product as HI-(heat inactivated!) FCS, while we all enjoy copious amounts of HFCS in our daily lives. ..but our lives are so much better with hyclone products! if not for hyclone, surely we would all have cancer by now.

well, while skot *IS* a number crunching, card carrying clinical bioresearch drone, I must have been seriously reaching to assume that he meant that coke infuses their product with the strained byproducts of exsanguinated baby cows. ..it made sense at the time. sorry skot. I just have to assume that you are forever seeking to freak and geek beyond the usual, sugar fortified first blush. I hear hoofbeats and look for zebras. maybe you can settle this and clue me in about what the HFCS **really** means.

Comment number: 005491   Posted by: spinal on August 6, 2005 10:48 AM from IP: 140.142.184.132

But I like the idea of Skot drinking the strained byproducts of exsanguinated baby cows. That makes him a chupacabra, kind of.

Comment number: 005492   Posted by: on August 7, 2005 02:29 PM from IP: 63.205.65.36

Sorry, that was me who did the chupacabra post. I forgot to sign it.

Comment number: 005493   Posted by: Kate on August 7, 2005 02:30 PM from IP: 63.205.65.36

Do you know where I could download the red roof inn commercials? The limbo one kills me because it's so retarded.

Comment number: 005523   Posted by: Luke on August 20, 2005 03:54 PM from IP: 24.98.29.224

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