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Tuesday, 14 June
Just The Facts

SANTA MARIA, Calif-- In what some described as a "harmonic convergence of holy fucking SHIT, dude!", reality appeared to break free of its moorings today in California, as Michael Jackson was aquitted of all charges leveled against him in a high-profile case involving accusations of child abuse, child endangerment, child eating, Julia Child and Raul Julia. In one of the more bizarre spectacles of our time, California seemed to erupt with a spasm of surreality.

Ms. Child and Mr. Julia, themselves both dead celebrities, reported surprise at being involved in such a high-wattage event, noting for reporters that they were, in fact, dead and confused, with Child being quoted as saying, "UUUNNNNNGH!" She then embarked on a ghoulish feast of the damned by savagely dining on the undead corpse of Mr. Julia.

Upon announcement of his blanket acquittal, Mr. Jackson was seen to totter feebly out of the courthouse and blow shaky kisses at the throngs of onlookers; seen on hand was also heavyweight prizefighter Mike Tyson, fresh from his recent loss to a gentleman picked out of the audience. Mr. Tyson, who had after his loss announced his retirement from boxing, called out to Mr. Jackson. "Michael! Do you have any children you're done with? I could eat them for you. I'm hungry and poor." Mr. Jackson did not reply, but instead leaped onto a nearby car and screamed "HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" while grabbing his groin. Mr. Jackson then smashed the car's windshield with a crowbar as a zombie dance team shuffled out of the crowd and began executing tightly choreographed shrugging movements.

Not to be outdone, apparently, famed Hollywood actor Tom Cruise was also on hand for the media event, and joined Mr. Jackson atop the ruined car with newfound love Katie Holmes in tow. As Jackson continued his automotive assault, Cruise leaped up and down manically and screamed paeans of love for Ms. Holmes to the stunned crowd; Holmes stood uncertainly nearby, smiling gently, until Cruise finally nailed the young actress to an inverted cross and let Holmes' blood course over his face as he kneeled beneath her wailing form. "Clear," gasped Cruise, clearly overwhelmed. "I'm finally clear." When asked for comment, Ms. Holmes told reporters, "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

With the media circus apparently at its crescendo, it is doubtful that anyone could have predicted what came next. Mr. Cruise, now bloodied and sobbing beneath Ms. Holmes' stilled body, did not bank on the arrival of another of Hollywood's anointed: to the shocked eyes of reporters and onlookers alike, actor Ben Affleck creeped stealthily from out of the gathered crowd, making elaborate "you-don't-see-me!" gestures. He crept up behind the openly weeping Cruise, and the crowd held its breath.

Mr. Affleck then freed his mighty testicles from his trousers and gently rested them on the back of Mr. Cruise's neck in full view of witnesses. Onlookers gasped, and one woman was seen to release white doves into freedom at the moment that Mr. Affleck's testes made contact with Mr. Cruise's sinewy neck. Cruise was then seen to whirl on Affleck, who danced away, singing, "Fruit basket! Fruit basket!" in mocking tones.

Cruise did not seem amused. "You put your nuts on my neck!" he screamed. Mr. Affleck coyly replied, "Now you know how people felt after seeing Mission Impossible: 2." At this point, the woman in the crowd released another white dove, which sailed cinematically into the air; Mr. Tyson was observed chasing after it hungrily. By now, Ms. Holmes was thoroughly dead, and Mr. Jackson seemed a bit dazed at the sudden shift of focus. The dancing zombies continued to shuffle dutifully. The moment stretched out.

A voice off to the side suddenly burbled out a gasping sentence. It was Mr. Julia, still being consumed by the feral ghoul that used to be Ms. Child. "This . . . this is not the Hollywood I remember," he moaned as his face was finally, fatefully devoured. And there was a deep silence as Julia finished eating Raul.


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Comments

Hee. "Eating Raul." I hear that's a really good movie.

I'm hoping this means I won't have to hear that shrill harpy Nancy Grace yowl about this case any more, but then...knowing her, I will.

Comment number: 005381   Posted by: CG on June 14, 2005 01:01 AM from IP: 70.19.84.142

Yes. That's it, exactly. Thank you.

Comment number: 005382   Posted by: steelbuddha on June 14, 2005 07:11 AM from IP: 66.195.131.1

What in god's name have you been smoking?

Comment number: 005383   Posted by: el on June 14, 2005 09:41 AM from IP: 131.191.10.9

Well, that's it. Now I'll never be able to see Ben Affleck or Tom Cruise again without thinking "Fruit basket!"

Not that that really changes anything, I guess.

Comment number: 005384   Posted by: czeltic girl on June 14, 2005 10:38 AM from IP: 66.195.131.1

"Now you know how people felt after seeing Mission Impossible: 2." That won't stop making me laugh.

Comment number: 005385   Posted by: laura on June 14, 2005 01:25 PM from IP: 71.40.125.185

Wasn't Anikin yelling NOOOOOOO behind the stretch SUV limos somewhere in there?

Comment number: 005386   Posted by: Kate on June 14, 2005 02:35 PM from IP: 161.114.32.113

Ah, delicious.

Comment number: 005387   Posted by: Kyle on June 14, 2005 02:49 PM from IP: 71.35.126.109

Dang, I thought the punch line was going to be a takeoff on one of those old Laugh-In Joke Wall lines: "If Julia Child married Raul Julia, she'd be Julia Julia!" But, uh, yours works too.

Loads of fun, Skot.

Comment number: 005388   Posted by: Elayne Riggs on June 14, 2005 08:02 PM from IP: 151.204.158.77

BAHAHAHAHAHA! So, so perfect.

Comment number: 005389   Posted by: Tami on June 14, 2005 09:45 PM from IP: 4.227.172.26

Umm, yes. I mean, YEAH! Good times to be had by all fifteen of your readers Skot. I only hope they replay this on E! tomorrow. Question is, who will play Raul Julia? My guess is it wont be Skeet Ulrich. They'll never pull him away from whatever movie he is making right now where he plays the Johnny Depp look-alike.

Comment number: 005390   Posted by: Fissell on June 14, 2005 11:19 PM from IP: 24.107.19.153

Fantastic. Having Cruise say "finally clear" shows someone's done his homework....

Comment number: 005391   Posted by: SadPunk on June 15, 2005 12:48 PM from IP: 207.145.105.19

What for you be dissin my girl Julia, punk?

Comment number: 005392   Posted by: anapestic on June 15, 2005 07:02 PM from IP: 151.200.51.91

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