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Wednesday, 20 April
Dealbreakers

Here follows what may become a regular feature of IP, a catalogue of unacceptable things. I know I call them "dealbreakers," but that's only because in my mind, I imagine these things--which I'm going to categorize by sense--to be things that, should you enjoy them, would cause me to hate you. This of course is not the case. Even I am not that big of an asshole. (Well, I am, but for a lot of other reasons.) At any rate, take these for the subjective opinions that they are.

Or, for your own amusement, use them as an index of how disgusting you are. Either way, I hope that one day we can meet in a conciliatory fashion to discuss these issues, and how you may go about changing your personal habits so as to make the world a slightly less repellent place for me to endure.

TASTE: Sauerkraut

Who doesn't like slimy cabbage? NOT GERMANS! From the same capricious, devil-may-care people who brought us things like obnoxiously expensive luxury cars and Frederich Nietzsche comes this delicious recipe featuring a salad green that almost nobody likes! (Get out of here, Korea.) That people put this stuff on innocent hot dogs somehow makes it worse--and this crime is not mitigated by the fact that people also countenance relish in the same context. Relish is, all on its own, a horrible misdeed. It's just that sauerkraut is infinitely worse. Relish is to sauerkraut as David Caruso is to Carrot Top. There are degrees.

(NOTE: I have German blood. It runs vinegar-thin. And I have cabbage in my bones. This may explain the crackly noises when I stretch.)

TOUCH: Slow shower drains

There are worse things than cleaning hair traps. I mean, it's an icky deal prising out the clumps of jetsam pubes from the catchall, but the smart amongst us do it right before getting in the shower, as you are just about to get clean.

Worse is the shower water that pools around the ankles. I do not know why this is.

It's hardly worse, when you think about it, than taking a bath. Taking a bath is just really making a thin stew of yourself. So why do I get so skeeved out when I feel the shower water collecting around my feet? Why do I uncomfortably dance so; an awkward little two-step where every footplant results in a glum little splash?

And how is this worse than cleaning a hair trap? It shouldn't be. And yet it is. I have often whispered to my sullied feet after such an unrewarding shower: I'm sorry. I will take better care of you.

HEARING: The Offspring

A "friend" of mine recently reminded me of this band's existence, and it was . . . well, completely debilitating. Hoobastank and Sugar Ray at least had the decency, while being completely reprehensible, to just record completely forgettable songs, no matter how much overplay they got. But The Offpring--"Come Out and Play," "Pretty Fly for a White Guy"--manufactured tunes so diabolical that they are all but ineradicable from one's consciousness. One can only hope that they all end up in some Holiday Inn version of hell where they are forced to do covers of Collective Soul songs. (Backing band: Collective Soul.)

OLFACTORY: Office Microwave Chili

Really, this is a tough one. Given my choice, I'd toss the fucking office microwave onto I-5 to be run over by trucks. The smells are unholy: ramen, lasagna, tuna fish . . . it's a Collective Soul of bad odors. It just fucking invades everything. It is the smell of ruin and calamity and everything bad. I someday dream of storing up some quantity of vomit in a jar and then reheating it for all to enjoy. "Don't mind me! Just reheating vomit here! No use wasting partially digested food!"

But I dare not pursue this. We already have "Hot Pockets." Society surely does not need "Hot Vomit."

Maybe.

VISUAL: Hot Vomit.

Don't make me do anything stupid, okay? I'm a man on the edge.


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

" Relish is to sauerkraut as David Caruso is to Carrot Top"
I may be Ass kissing all the way up your lower GI but ,damn, the edge is where you come up with some of the most brilliant stuff.

Comment number: 005225   Posted by: Lala on April 20, 2005 09:50 AM from IP: 205.193.38.39

That microwave popcorn smell used to make me crazy. It's like a good smell transformed into a synthetic approximation of that smell and then turned up to eleven until it overloads your brain. I had a similar experience once when I worked in a massive industrial bakery. What started out as a pleasant "fresh-baked bread" smell eventually became a "oh dear lord make it stop it's everywhere!" kind of smell.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to reheat this reuben sandwich and listen to my Very Best of Kajagoogoo tape over and over.

Comment number: 005226   Posted by: flamingbanjo on April 20, 2005 10:45 AM from IP: 64.65.181.81

Skot, you missed out on commenting on the best (that is, most awe-inspiringly disgusting) part of sauerkraut: fermentation. It's as if those crazy Germans thought, "Hmmm, let's smother our hot dogs with cabbage, so that nobody could possibly enjoy them! No, wait! (maniacal laugh) Let's make it cabbage that has already gone bad! Like, six weeks ago!"

Comment number: 005227   Posted by: Patrick C on April 20, 2005 10:59 AM from IP: 64.132.221.195

Hot vomit?! That is horrifyingly disgusting. I think I'll set aside this bowl of (microwaved) soup I was planning to eat.

Comment number: 005228   Posted by: Safiyyah on April 20, 2005 12:10 PM from IP: 70.49.161.69

... I know this isn't the right place for what I'm about to ask, but fug it ... I'm traveling to Seattle for the first time next week, and I'm wondering where in the Chinatown district, or whatever it's called now, I should eat. I hate super expensive shit. I just want good, can't-get-this-in-Ohio Chinese food.

Help!

thanks

Chunky

Comment number: 005229   Posted by: Chunky on April 20, 2005 12:58 PM from IP: 65.213.147.254

Y'know, I think "Hot Vomit" would be an excellent name for a band.

Comment number: 005230   Posted by: Joe on April 20, 2005 01:08 PM from IP: 68.164.200.210

You're staying in the International District, Chunky? Man, you can basically just spin in place with an outstretched finger; when you stop, you'll probably be pointing at a really cheap place to get good Asian food. I've enjoyed eating at the Sea Garden, which dares to ask the question: Is there anything you can't put fish into?

Comment number: 005231   Posted by: Skot on April 20, 2005 01:12 PM from IP: 66.150.9.2

thanks ... and I should have mentioned that your site is the funniest friggin thing going. You should be working (if you even want to) at a newspaper.

Your humor reminds me of a dude named seanbaby, who has a site (not updated in a while) with some seriously weird shit ... go to http://www.seanbaby.com/stupid/comicads05.shtml for a tasty sample.

I'll try the Sea Garden. We're staying at a place called the Mayflower.

Comment number: 005232   Posted by: on April 20, 2005 01:20 PM from IP: 65.213.147.254

A few weeks ago I actually microwaved my leftover fried chicken livers n' gravy in the microwave. Our office is one big room.

I was shifty-eyed through the whole zap time, just *waiting* for someone to go "AAAAUUUUUUGH!" but nobody did.

And it's true - the smell of microwave popcorn seems to be stronger and have more staying poer than anything else. Although I haven't tested this theory on hot vomit, so I could be wrong.

Comment number: 005236   Posted by: dayment on April 21, 2005 11:57 AM from IP: 64.105.86.146

(poWer)

Comment number: 005237   Posted by: dayment on April 21, 2005 11:57 AM from IP: 64.105.86.146

"the smell of ruin and calamity and everything bad" is freakin' genius! LOVE IT!! You slay me.

Comment number: 005238   Posted by: S on April 21, 2005 12:46 PM from IP: 66.235.0.193

Although I have to confess that I am one of those hated few that occasionally enjoys saurkraut on hot dogs. Not on anything else, mind you, because I generally agree that saurkraut is gross and should be avoided at all costs. But those $1.50 Costco hot dogs with a little mustard, onion and saurkraut is heavenly, every once in a blue moon. Freakish, I admit, but I do love it. It's not like you don't already dislike me intensely for other probably better reasons, so why lie?

Comment number: 005239   Posted by: S on April 21, 2005 12:51 PM from IP: 66.235.0.193

Get out of here, Korea.

Actually, kimchi is made not with cabbage, per se, but bae-chu, sometimes called bok choi after the Chinese, or 'chinese cabbage' by the hopelessly unhip.

In your face, Kurruk!

Comment number: 005241   Posted by: stavrosthewonderchicken on April 21, 2005 09:42 PM from IP: 211.229.145.44

Per se? Bae-chu? Bok choi? What are you . . . French?

Comment number: 005243   Posted by: Skot on April 22, 2005 08:03 AM from IP: 66.150.9.2

wasn't Bok Choi the name of that Thai boxing movie that just came out?

Comment number: 005244   Posted by: beige on April 22, 2005 12:37 PM from IP: 128.95.169.36

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