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Thursday, 03 March
Forgotten Super Heroes

The Pug-ilist

Nick Taylor is a hero in a world he never made . . . and he's running low on newspaper to lay down. Born with a mutant gene that allows him to tap into the Extradimensional Specific Canine Aether, Taylor is able to summon an unlimited number of pug dogs at any time. In his last fateful encounter with The Bank Robber (one of Marvel's more uninspired villains), Taylor stretched himself to the limit and summoned an veritable army of adorable pug dogs, who immediately cowered nervously in place and peed.

Holly Hocks

Holly Pawnn was your ordinary teenager just trying to fit in until one day she was exposed to experimental mu-rays generated by a lab experiment gone wrong involving the artificial (and unstable) element Garyon. The same experiment that also empowered her nemesis--and Holly's former lab instructor--Dr. Burghoff, aka Radar, who was driven irrevocably insane by the same Garyon radiation. Radar madly stalks our nation's highways using his powers to disable speed traps, and our hero Holly counters him using her newly found ability to exchange personal belongings for cash. Holly was last seen in World's Finest #452, in which she saved the day by pawning a can of Bat-Worcestershire for nine dollars.

Floss

Hardly anyone knows about Floss, and that's never going to change. Floss wouldn't have it any other way. Preferring to operate from the shadows, he is a street mystic, a quiet revolution, a rogue through and through. And though Floss may live in the crevices, in the nooks, the world needs him: because Caraway is coming. In an uncaring world, it's all up to Floss. This is all covered in the limited run of Crisis in Infinite Gums, to be published independently by Tobin's Periodontical Concern, Ltd.

The Hairier Jet

Emil Bardo never asked for the ability to be able to grow hair on commercial airliners, but it was his birthright as the starchild of R'xxyll and Paul Jennings. Forever doomed to be a minor player on the superhero stage, Emil nonetheless earned his superhero stripes when he was able to keep passengers warm after an Arctic flyover went wrong, and the DC-10 lost its climate control. Bardo singlehandedly grew a thick coat of luxuriant hair over the lost jet . . . and, heroically helped shave it all off after landing, which unfortunately cost him his sanity. He now resides at Sorghum Sasylum, where he giggles nervously as he builds tiny, whiskered model airplanes.

Johnny Bench

This modestly talented superhero made a name for himself (briefly) as a crimefighter who thwarted minor criminals. Utilizing a mental domination ability that allowed him via vocal command to make anyone sit down proved unsuccessful when, during a bank heist, he came to ruin. "SIT DOWN!" cried Johnny, and the criminal did. Then the robber shot him in the head. The villain, however, remained seated until apprehension, and complained of contact sores. The city commemorated Johnny with a statue of his likeness, and people to this day view it with awe, and look for places to sit down in his honor. Several funding measures to provide benches for this monument have failed, but the city remains hopeful.

(You know, I'm just going to stop here, because . . . oy. I was just about to launch into the secret history of the Brazil Nut, whose enchanted thong conferred the magical power to become insane at any time. Other rejected heroes: Beet Happening, Dr. Moog and The Last Barfighter. No. This is all bad enough.)


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

No Human Whinge? No Apathy Boy? I would totally read Crisis in Infinite Gums, though. "Look out! The Anti-Toothbrush-Timer has sent his Shadow Cavity Creeps!"

Comment number: 005062   Posted by: j.edwards on March 3, 2005 01:48 AM from IP: 63.231.23.82

I now *really* want to hear about The Last Barfighter ...

Comment number: 005063   Posted by: Helen on March 3, 2005 03:33 AM from IP: 160.39.42.109


Wow, there’s the makings of a whole new X-Men franchise here.

Comment number: 005064   Posted by: Lung the Younger on March 3, 2005 06:30 AM from IP: 80.58.34.44

Y'know, this might be my most favorite Izzle Pfaff ever. {Skot}

Comment number: 005065   Posted by: Rob Drimmie on March 3, 2005 06:40 AM from IP: 216.75.169.105

Whatever happened to The Itchy Housecoat or whatever his name was. I've been waiting for the next installment for, like, a year or something.

Comment number: 005066   Posted by: MMMikey on March 3, 2005 11:10 AM from IP: 69.243.201.50

And I've got a slew of pug-related catchphrases to go along with my persona! Like, listen you pug-ugly bug, you're going to jail! And: I'd rather snuggle a pug than fire a slug! Also: Mr Bank Robber, you're just re-pug-nant! And....ok I'll stop.

Comment number: 005067   Posted by: Nick Taylor on March 3, 2005 08:29 PM from IP: 66.130.132.232

Was Slim Goodbody a superhero?

Comment number: 005069   Posted by: Dr. Johnny Fever on March 4, 2005 01:24 PM from IP: 149.111.120.55


How about that cavaliering catatonic crimefighter....STAREDEVIL!

Comment number: 005070   Posted by: Lung the Younger on March 6, 2005 04:03 AM from IP: 213.151.109.166

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