Happy new year and all that; I have nothing to tell. The wife and I went out for dinner with a friend, and then we came home and drank booze. At midnight, we watched the Space Needle ejaculate some wan pyrotechnics. (Really. Is there anything more boring than fireworks?) Then we went back inside to play Settlers of Catan. (Okay, this is more boring than fireworks.) Yes, we are getting old.

Tonight the wife was delighted to hear that Monday Night Football was back in its grave for another offseason, and so we watched a movie. Unfortunately, that movie was the thoroughly ungripping psychological weenie roast Secret Window. (This was, I shit you not, the least unappealing choice from the video store.) Starring Johnny Depp, Johnny Depp's witch-tangle of dyed hair, John Turturro's hi-larious accent ("Uh wunt ma indin!"), and, totally incidentally, Maria Bello and Timothy "Oh God! Another disastrous Stephen King movie!" Hutton.

It was, of course, deeply stupid and about as hard to figure out as a soup label. But you have to give it up for a film that genuinely tries for "Gotcha!" shocker-shots featuring (I wish I were making this up): (1) an ear of corn, and (2) a squirrel. How I wish I could have heard the director setting up these shots. "Okay . . . I want a musical stinger when Johnny bites into the corn. Then . . . blackout!" "Are, uh, are you sure, boss?" "Are you kidding? We can't lose! It's corn!"

Anyway, as usual during these horrible winter months, Hollywood is pulling a Love Canal on us, and shamelessly dumping off horrible toxic bullshit. Here's an incomplete roundup of some of the noisome refuse being offloaded by the sadists in LA. I once again reiterate my position on these horrors: I have not seen any of them, and if destiny favors me, I never will, since I am wholly certain that they are all rotten piles of shit.

Elektra

The ruiners of that extraordinarily repellent Daredevil--who really simply got every single thing wrong, right down to the delightfully embarrassing Colin Farrell--try again with the character of Elektra, for no good reason other than the knowledge that searchingly horny nerds will watch anything with Jennifer Garner wearing not much. The ads are riotously awful, and showcase such mind-wrecking things as people's tattoos erupting out of their bodies to do battle with . . . other tattoos, I guess. "My Navy anchor versus your Celtic cross!" "Oh no! Here comes Henry Rollins!" "Oh fuck! Deploy Dave Navarro!"

Constantine

Yet another comic book adaptation, this one features . . . oh, boy . . . Keanu Reeves. This despite the fact that the original character from the Hellblazer series is a blond English rake. Keanu, unfortunately, cannot act as well as your average garden rake. Improbably, the movie also has in its cast Gavin Rossdale and Tilda Swinton. When I said "improbably" a moment ago? Yeah. This is like finding a movie featuring Lauren Bacall and Izzy Stradlin.

White Noise

Michael Keaton--remember him?--hears dead people on his MODERN ELECTRONIC DEVICES! One assumes that it's his agent. "Michael . . . I have another terrible film for you." I love the idea that the dead had to sit around on their rotting asses long enough for MODERN ELECTRONIC DEVICES to be invented, just so they could nag us. "MAURY!" screams a blender somewhere. "GO SHOVEL THE SIDEWALK!" And then poor Maury twists his ankle, or is eaten by electron ghouls, or something. Jesus, who cares? We all thought that Michael was back when Out of Sight came out, didn't we? No.

Racing Stripes

It's a zebra who is a race horse! Shut up! No, really, shut up. Frankie Muniz? David Spade? Mandy Moore? Let's just watch some Pepto-Bismol commercials, where people are still miming diarrhea. I was totally sold when I saw the ad for this where David Spade makes a fart joke. Unfortunately, I thought it was an ad for Capital One.

Alone in the Dark

Christian Slater and Tara Reid! Have you run screaming yet? I'm not done.

Stephen Dorff.

Hey, come back! I didn't even get to the part where I mentioned that there is an actor named "Haggquist." He plays a character named Agent "Krash" Krashinsky!

There you go running again.