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Tuesday, 02 November
Making A Difference

As diligent readers of this site well know, I'm nothing if not a fucking stickler for hard reportage. With this in mind, I went out this evening for some choice "man on the street" quotes from people just like you . . . that is, crazy, frothing voters. Some of whom may actually vote.

Skot: Here we are out on First Avenue in Seattle, taking down some of what people are thinking on the eve of the election. Sir, may I trouble you for a moment of your time?

Calm Voter: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAHHHH!

Skot: Hey, this one can't wait! Sir, may I ask who is getting your support tomorrow?

CV: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Skot: I see.

CV: SHOGGOTH! SHOGGOTH RISES! SMOOTHLY! HE SMELLS OF COD!

Skot: So that's a vote for Mr. Kerry.

CV: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Skot: Things are lively down here on the street, folks! I'm moving now over to another fellow . . . sir? Sir, if you have a minute, I'd love to hear about how you plan on voting tomorrow.

Firmly Decided Voter: Well, I have to confess . . . I'm still kind of on the fence. I'm not sure who I like at this point.

(Pause.)

FDV: But I'm leaning towards Benzene Ring.

Skot: I'm sorry?

FDV: Benzene Ring. It's really a very elegant chemical structure. That Kekule fella sure knew his shit.

Skot: Sir, you can't say "shit" on TV.

FDV: Oh, are we on TV?

Skot: God, no. I'm just saying. We're on the internet.

FDV: The internet? Christ hell, man, then I can do whatever I want! Let me show you my dinger! It looks like driftwood, only pink! Well, mostly pink.

(A brief, unpleasant scuffle ensues.)

Skot: Okay, back to business. Hello, miss? Would you mind sharing your thoughts on tomorrow's election?

Thoughtful Voter: Well, I hope those cocksuckers all die in fire.

Skot: Ah . . . and you are referring to . . . ?

TV: That guy. With the tumor on top of his neck.

Skot: Nader?

TV: That's the one.

Skot: He's not even on most ballots.

TV: Really? Oh, Lord, that's a relief.

Skot: So, knowing that, who do you plan on voting for now?

TV: Oh, I don't vote. I think our babysitter does. I'll ask her.

Skot: Thank you. We've got time for one more. Ma'am?

Sensible Voter: Yes, sir?

Skot: May I ask you who you plan on casting your ballot for tomorrow? It's for a stupid website.

SV: I'm proud to say that I'll be voting for Eric Stoltz and Digable Planets tomorrow. This country needs change, and I'll be fucked right in my angry asshole if you can't tell me that Stoltz and DP aren't change.

Skot: You, ma'am, are the finest patriot this country has ever seen.

SV: I know that, you fuckin' little weirdo. Jesus, you're a creepy man. Get out of my way. I'm buying arugula here.

Tape ends here. Don't forget to vote.


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

I don't know what arugula is, but I've heard of it.

Comment number: 004510   Posted by: i on November 2, 2004 06:15 AM from IP: 141.156.117.73

Stoltz & Digable Planets - nice callback. Bonus points.

Comment number: 004511   Posted by: Mixmaster Mikey on November 2, 2004 07:03 AM from IP: 69.243.201.50

I think you forgot to include a link to the page that tells us who Izzle Pfaff endorses in the local school board races. How the fuck am I supposed to vote without knowing that?

Comment number: 004512   Posted by: p on November 2, 2004 08:54 AM from IP: 162.130.1.220

I would still like to marry both you and your wife. Thank you.

Comment number: 004513   Posted by: Kate on November 2, 2004 09:16 AM from IP: 161.114.32.112

I'll be fucked right in my angry asshole if you can't tell me that Stoltz and DP aren't change.

Butterfly hits ya with a nicklebag.

My high school friend Soo-Ann smoked up with the Planets once (she was friends with Ladybug's cousin). A vote for Stoltz is a vote for doobage!

Comment number: 004514   Posted by: Snarky on November 2, 2004 11:20 AM from IP: 198.151.13.10

AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!

that's my exit poll result.

Comment number: 004515   Posted by: jef on November 3, 2004 10:53 AM from IP: 207.7.194.211

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