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Wednesday, 06 October
Teeth Vs. Hair

I don't know if I'm starting a tradition here--or even if I want to--but once again I am going to provide coverage of our election debates, heroically, even though yet again I did not watch tonight's, opting instead to nap briefly and then watch the hated Yankees fall to the Twins. And is there anything more American than rooting against the Yankees? I don't think so. (Yankees fans: I don't mean anything by this, you know that. Other than to suggest that you are all dreadful monsters.) So here again are some excerpts from the debate that I simply just made up.

Moderator (whoever it was): I now present the Democratic Vice Presidential nominee, Joe Edwards.

Edwards: John.

Moderator: Joe Edwards, everyone! Mr. Vice President, you may begin.

Cheney: (He stares balefully at Edwards. An uncomfortable silence grows.)

Moderator: Mr. Vice President?

Cheney: Who the fuck is the hamster?

Edwards: Hey!

Cheney: I've never seen this area rug in my life. Security!

(Armed guards swarm the stage and bludgeon Edwards with truncheons. After much tumult, order is restored, and the candidates finally retake their podiums.)

Cheney: My apologies to the hamster for his brutal beating.

Edwards: Id's do pobblem.

------

Edwards: So I have to wonder, given the current administration's total mishandling of the intel leading up to the Iraq situation: where does the buck stop?

Moderator: Mr. Cheney, your rebuttal.

Cheney: ZZZZZOOORG! ZORG IS THE ONE AND THE ONLY! ZORG IS COMING! ENCHAINED WITHIN SATURN'S RINGS FOR THESE MANY MILLENNIA, ZORG IS FREE! I AM THE EMISSARY. YOU WILL BE SAUSAGE IN ZORG'S GALACTIC MEAT-MILLS! COME, ZORG! SHOW THESE DIMINUTES YOUR POWER!

Edwards: (Rifling through notes) These weren't in the talking points . . .

Moderator: Mr. Vice President?

Cheney: My apologies. My pacemaker is tetchy. Sometimes I get alien transmissions.

------

Cheney: I see your point, Mr. Edwards, but if I may rebut . . . (Cheney suddenly juts out his entire lower jaw like a cash register drawer, exposing many dull, gray teeth.)

Edwards: (He emits a piercing cry and bursts into tears.)

Cheney: America, I hope you're watching this. Let me tell you: my father, God rest his soul, used to pull the goddam skin right off his skull to teach us kids some goddam discipline. And here Mr. Hamster is bawling like a baby over some goddam teeth. If he had any gumption at all, he'd rise up like a man and hack me into bait with a garden hoe just like I did my no-skin daddy, but no, he's gotta have a good cry. I think that says something.

Edwards: (Weakly) . . . please . . . see a dentist . . .

------

Cheney: In closing, my opponent's arguments have been so laughable and, dare I say, fruity, that I am comfortable sitting down and eating these Chicken Nibblers during his closing arguments. Thank you.

Moderator: Mr. Edwards?

Edwards: (He begins talking about tort reform; the audience stares wistfully at Cheney's Chicken Nibblers. Suddenly, Cheney clutches his chest and moans horribly.)

Cheney: My! Heart!

Moderator: Call 911!

Edwards: (Cheerfully) I'm sure Mr. Cheney would hate for valuable tax dollars to be wasted on emergency response when he is well covered. I'll send a fax to his HMO. I'm sure they'll get a hold of his primary care physician vacationing in the Yucatan.

Moderator: (Thrusting a microphone into Cheney's purpling face) Mr. Vice President! Mr. Vice President!

Cheney: (Weakly) . . . go . . . Yankees . . .


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Comments

this was uncannily accurate.

Comment number: 004285   Posted by: mike on October 6, 2004 03:46 PM from IP: 216.173.212.234

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