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Friday, 25 June
The Book of Me

1 And the Lord took a break from the Heavenly Hassle, and saw that it was June the twenty-fourth, and he Said, "This is a holy day, for it is the day that Skot clawed his way out of the womb."

2 And the Lord kind of got creeped out by the word Womb, but He had already made it, so the Lord had to suck it up. "Womb" is icky," said the Lord, "why did I say that word?"

3 The Angels were of no help in this matter, and the Lord felt even stupider. "You Angels blow," declared the Lord. The serene Angels agreed placidly, and continued to fly about in worshipful inactivity. "This is the stupidest job," said the Lord, and He did pick at His astonishing pants dolefully, prising out bits of Holy Lint, and flicking them majestically at stuff.

4 Anyway.

5 The Lord noticed that it was June 24, and his servant Skot was faithfully at work, despite it being his birthday. Skot was a good follower, in that he was an uncomplaining dupe, and the Lord rewarded him with surprising hookers. Skot enjoyed the work-hookers, and bent them over his keyboard faithfully, and praised the Lord for His bounty. The hookers were paid handsomely with God's grace, and they did grumble, for that was not even worth a cheeseburger, for God is kind of a cheap-ass, but hey, it's God.

6 "Jesus, God," moaned the hookers. "This is kind of crappy."

7 "Saieth not His name!" said the Lord. "He is more than cheeseburgers." And the hookers felt like gravel, and they repentantly bought Frescas, and woe to them, they did drink the Frescas.

8 And so it was that Skot returned home, having gloriously succumbed to the work-hookers, and his wife did take him out to Dinner, whereupon he ate tapas. And they were good tapas, for the Lord had decreed: "Tiny portions of good food is the best idea anyone has ever had!"

9 And the Wife did say, "Wasn't that your idea? I mean, isn't everything?"

10 And the Lord did say, "Uh . . . yeah. Of course it was."

11 And the wife kind of stared at the Lord.

12 And the Lord said, "So . . . what else did my boy Skot get?" The Lord looked kind of hopeful and strange, like a guy who had forgotten to get his Favorite Son anything for his damn birthday.

13 "I bought my man some pants," said the Wife proudly. "And some scotch. And some books." The bounty was indeed impressive. The Lord was shamed.

14 "I only brought some meager spices," whined the Lord. He held out peppercorns. "I feel like a tool," said the Lord.

15 The Lord was indeed a tool. But that mattered little to Skot. He got pants. And dinner. Tapas, even.

16 God fulminated. "I could get you pants. The finest pants. Pants of panting gold!" The Lord seethed and wheedled.

17 And Skot said, "Gold pants? That seems kind of gay."

18 And God did say: "Don't give me any ideas.

19 And Skot said: "Pretend I said nothing. Sorry."

20 And God said, "Okay, then."

21 And like the best families, they talked of nothing at all.


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

Ummmm...happy birthday...I think.

Have some work hookers on me. But not ones that smell like Frescas.

Comment number: 003475   Posted by: KOTWF on June 25, 2004 06:06 AM from IP: 65.78.210.158

And the LORD did bless Skot with ever-increasing humorous abilities for his illustrious 35th year upon the face of the Earth.

Comment number: 003476   Posted by: Cyn on June 25, 2004 06:45 AM from IP: 204.222.179.102

Happy birthday! (Belated, naturally.)

Comment number: 003477   Posted by: dave on June 25, 2004 07:27 AM from IP: 12.109.16.140

hope you had a happy one, man. how was the bowling?

Comment number: 003478   Posted by: jose on June 25, 2004 08:49 AM from IP: 66.114.231.2

Verse 4 is my fave. I like how all your gods get fumbly and cranky. Happy birthday, Skot. Here's to another fantastic year of slouching toward Bethlehem.

Comment number: 003479   Posted by: rachel on June 25, 2004 09:05 AM from IP: 198.81.26.45

Happy birthday, Skot. Just watch it, huh? You get struck dead by lightning and I'll have to find another way to slack off at work...

Comment number: 003480   Posted by: Craig on June 25, 2004 10:12 AM from IP: 68.76.89.54

Happy birthday, my good man. you are a great writer and a very interesting character. I don't care if I'm 2 days late. I hope you enjoyed it...

--JP

Comment number: 003482   Posted by: Jason on June 25, 2004 10:50 PM from IP: 67.164.117.183

If the teachers at the Catholic school I was stuck in (it drove me to a nervous breakdown, literally. Try being gay in one of those! Not that that had much to do with it, but it didn't help.) had shown us that book, I might not have turned out Pagan.
But what can ya do? Hope you had a good birthday.

Comment number: 003487   Posted by: CG on June 28, 2004 09:36 PM from IP: 68.160.210.117

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