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Tuesday, 18 May
The Condensed NYPD Blue

[The squad room; or rather, the squalid room. Detectives bustle around, except for Andy, who sits at his desk eating a dead bird. He glares at middle space.]

Gay John: Detective?

Andy: Yeah?

GJ: Phone call for you.

Andy: Take a message.

GJ: Ah . . . your son died.

[Andy overturns his desk with a mighty YAAAAARRR! Squalor flies everywhere, mixing with the squalor. Andy stalks into the bathroom, his pate steaming magnificently. John Kelley enters.]

John: Hey, partner. I heard. I'm sorry.

Andy: This whole thing's got me twisted up, John! I can't . . . aw, John. [Andy cries manfully. John consoles him.]

John: I know. I know. Listen . . . you and me are gonna talk about this. I'm gonna reach out to some people, all right?

Andy: Yeah . . . yeah?

John: Yeah. Namely, my agent. I'm gonna move on to movies, partner, so I've got to go. All right? You all right?

Andy: Yeah. You go. You gotta do what you gotta do.

[They hug manfully, then Kelley exits to take up a brief, horrific film career before plummeting back into TV years later. Ricky Schroeder enters.]

Ricky Schroeder: Hey, I'm your new partner. Sorry for your loss.

Andy: This isn't going to work out, junior. Nuh uh, asshole.

RS: You wait, buddy. I'm an unbalanced hothead with undying commitment to the job, just like you. We're going to last, partner, you wait.

[Ricky exits. Lt. Fancy enters.]

Fancy: We got a double homicide. I need you out there.

Andy: Yeah, yeah, that's just like you people.

Fancy: What?

Andy: Black bosses.

Fancy: You racist bastard.

[They punch each other for a while.]

Andy: I learned a lot from that. You're a stand-up negro.

Fancy: I like you, former drunken psychopath.

Andy: So what's this double homicide?

Fancy: (checking note) Your wife and your new partner.

Andy: YAAAAAAAAAAARRRR! [Fade out on Andy knocking over some squalor.]

[Fade up on Andy standing at a bar staring at a shot of liquor. He wants that sweet, sweet liquor, because he isn't insane. An unreasonably hot fellow detective approaches him.]

Hot detective: You don't want to do this.

Andy: Of course I do. I'm not insane.

HD: No, Andy, don't. Come home and fuck me instead.

Andy: (Looking wildly around) Is this a joke?

HD: Not for what the producers are paying me. Come on, it's time for our sex scene where I come perilously close to showing a nipple.

Andy: Right on!

[Sex scene. There are many side-boob shots, and one paralyzing shot of Andy's naked, glaring ass.]

[Cut to next day, squalid room. Andy strolls in and encounters Medavoy and Ratlike Detective.]

Medavoy: H-hey, Andy. S-s-sorry aboutcher w-wife. And partner. Boy, he w-wasn't around long, huh?

Ratlike Detective: You might notice my unfortunate tie. Jesus, these people hate me.

Medavoy: Congratulations on the s-s-sex.

Andy: Yeah, thanks! It's really turned things around for me.

[Saved By the Bell guy enters.]

SBtBG: Hey. You Andy? I'm your new partner.

Andy: This isn't going to work, junior. Nuh uh.

Gay John: Saved By the Bell Guy? Message for you.

SBtBG: What is it?

Gay John: Your dad got drunk and killed himself.

Andy: YAAAAAAAARRRR! (Andy fitfully rolls around in squalor.)

SBtBG: This guy is really wound up.

New Lieutenant: Hey, I'm new.

Ratlike Detective: Yeah, and I'm leaving.

Medavoy: Ah--ah--ah . . .

NL: Let me introduce several forgettable new detectives, including this incredibly beautiful guy who's nine feet tall.

Beautiful Guy: Hey. [He smolders.]

NL: Andy and new guy, we've got someone we like in interview two. We think it's the skell who did your wife and Ricky Schroeder.

Andy: This asshole.

SBtBG: We're on it.

[Cut to interview room. The scuzzy skell sits like an asshole.]

Andy: Tell me what you know!

Skell: I don't talk to cops. Especially asshole cops.

[Andy and SBtBG beat the skell savagely for a while. The skell kind of blends in with the squalor.]

Skell: Awright! Awright! Don't beat me no more! I'll talk, and incidentally, I definitely don't want a lawyer! Nobody who comes in here ever does, and I'm one of 'em!

Andy: Talk. Or junior and me here, we're gonna take you out in the alley and run over you with a garbage truck.

Skell: It was me! I did it!

SBtBG: (Slapping down legal pad) Write it down.

[Cut to squalid room. The detectives are enjoying some desk time, except for Andy, who glares into middle distance, and Beautiful Guy, who smolders.]

Medavoy: Anyone w-want to go out for a beer? Job well done an' all that?

SBtBG: Sure, I'll go.

Hot Detective: Sure. Andy?

Andy: Yeah. I guess.

Gay John: Detective? Phone for you.

Andy: What is it?

Gay John: The jury came back on your double homicide fellow. He was found not guilty.

Andy: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRR! [Squalor.]

[Cut to a local bar. The detectives are enjoying beers, except for Andy, who grumpily sips tonic water.]

New Lieutenant: Good job today, people. You did good work.

Medavoy: Th-th-th-th--

Andy: Shut up, Medavoy.

[There is a reflective pause.]

Hot Detective: It seems like we're missing something. Something big.

Medavoy: Oh, yeah. Hey--A-andy, ah . . . didn't you have another partner in there? Like, for years? You guys were really close.

Andy: Oh, yeah. Bobby. Bobby Simone! How could I have forgotten about Bobby? Jeez. What ever happened to that son of a bitch?

New Lieutenant: He died of a heart infection.

(Pause.)

Andy: YAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR!

[Fade out on squalor.]


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

I don't have a TV, and have never seen an episode of NYPD. It makes understanding this whole serious of posts quite difficult. I should probably be somewhat annoyed at my cultural ineptitude, but then I remember: I'm FREE! I don't spend hours staring at mindless plots and brain-numbering advertising, instead I surf the web. Oh. Right.

Seriously though, I couldn't follow this at all. I'm sure it's tremendously humorous to TV-watching folk, but I had a hard time even reading it. It made me feel almost as dirty as watching the stuff probably would, which I suppose is a testament to writerly skill or something.

More of the good posts.... pleeaaase! (you know about ducks or cancer or your honda's east trans-linkage...)

(See, you can talk back to the web. Just try talking to the TV. Nevermind, I'm sure you do.)

Comment number: 003214   Posted by: berck on May 18, 2004 11:47 PM from IP: 68.97.3.241

Fuck you, you consistantly funny-ass m*therfucker. You should be shot.

Comment number: 003215   Posted by: Daniel Talsky on May 19, 2004 12:43 AM from IP: 216.231.50.124

You didn't entertain me in exactly the way I want to be entertained, you greedy and selfish bastard! How dare you write things that are humurous to people that aren't me on your goddamn site! Don't you understand that you have a responsibility to me, because I am so awesome and great and stuff and if I don't read your site then you'll be missing out on all my wonderful and brilliant commentary?!

MEMEMEME!

Comment number: 003217   Posted by: Rob Drimmie on May 19, 2004 05:01 AM from IP: 65.48.133.67

Skot's taking orders for future posts? Sweet.

I'd like to order one story about a mexican-vietnamese urban planner who's an unbalanced hothead with undying commitment to the job. Ass showing is optional.

Comment number: 003219   Posted by: avogadro on May 19, 2004 06:31 AM from IP: 24.75.116.128

Damn you "I don't have a TV" people. Who are you trying to impress, anyway?

Comment number: 003220   Posted by: spygeek on May 19, 2004 06:57 AM from IP: 192.28.2.52

Um, pardon us TV watching folk, berck, we're all so caught up in brain-numbing reality shows and intelligence-sucking sitcoms that we can barely wipe the drool from our open mouths long enough to cast a meaningful glance in your direction.

Do us a favor while your Gyokuro Asahi green tea is steeping and your yoga mat is hanging on your hemp line to dry: Strip off the pretentious attitude like you would the ancient laquer on a Saturday morning collected armoir, head to your aquaintance's house that DOES have a TV, and sit and watch as many reruns of the Simpsons that you can (shhh! no pretentious commenting or pontificating!). When you're done, you can pick up your graphic novel, jam it in to your fanny pack, slip on you birkenstocks, and head back to Eugene.

Oh and don't forget to...to um...hey can I call you back, American Idol is on.

Comment number: 003221   Posted by: Jason on May 19, 2004 09:56 AM from IP: 206.16.5.38

Well, Christ. I was going to make a crack about the no-tv guy myself, but now Jason has convinced me that I want to be on the green-tea sipping, graphic novel-reading side of the great cultural divide. Good job, Jason; my distaste for you means that now I'll never get to see the squalid skells and side-boobage of Deadwood.

Comment number: 003222   Posted by: Snarky on May 19, 2004 10:34 AM from IP: 141.156.234.197

I was going to leave a comment for Skot commending him on ruining yet another keyboard with this post, but I've decided that watching you people savage one another like overpopulated, rabid hamsters is infinitely more exciting.

Froth away!

Comment number: 003223   Posted by: felis on May 19, 2004 10:41 AM from IP: 24.147.39.247

I haven't been so cleverly insulted in at least the past week. But you've missed, of course. I'm just an anti-social geek, not a tea-sipping-birkenstock-wearing-starbucks customer.

And I love the Simpsons. I figure if I really like some show enough to watch it, it will come out on DVD, and then I can watch it sans-commercials.

I'm not being pretentious. Well, okay, maybe a little. But I'm certainly not trying to impress anyone.

Comment number: 003224   Posted by: berck on May 19, 2004 10:57 AM from IP: 68.97.3.241

ASS SHOWING IS NOT OPTIONAL!! ASS SHOWING IS NEVER OPTIONAL!!

Comment number: 003225   Posted by: TheBrad on May 19, 2004 01:24 PM from IP: 216.114.64.26

So was that a yes or a no to my request for your keyhole saw?

Comment number: 003226   Posted by: Pesty on May 19, 2004 01:33 PM from IP: 66.160.108.162

I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals fuh-lame-ing!

*burps*

Comment number: 003227   Posted by: Homer on May 19, 2004 01:35 PM from IP: 146.7.42.38

Apparently that depends on whether or not you're showing him your ass.

Comment number: 003228   Posted by: Rob Drimmie on May 19, 2004 01:38 PM from IP: 65.48.133.67

Pesty, if ever we meet, I will indeed be there with a smile on my face and a keyhole saw in in my hand. Until then, you'll have to find your own disappointing tools.

Comment number: 003229   Posted by: Skot on May 19, 2004 01:47 PM from IP: 140.107.123.110

Until then, you'll have to find your own disappointing tools.

You'll always be a disappointing tool to me, Skot.

Comment number: 003230   Posted by: Snarky on May 19, 2004 02:13 PM from IP: 141.156.234.197

Oh, bite me, Drimmie, ya hoser.

Comment number: 003231   Posted by: TheBrad on May 19, 2004 02:14 PM from IP: 216.114.64.26

Jeezus, Snark. So let me get this straight, you were going to slag the slagger, but someone else did it better first, so now you have to slag the slagger slagger?

Sounds like sour grapes to me, jerk.

Comment number: 003232   Posted by: Cat on May 19, 2004 02:15 PM from IP: 208.27.203.128

I'm not certain what it is exactly you want me to do to your hose, @Bradley@, but if it has anything to do with keyhole saws, I think there's a guy in Germany who may be willing to help out.

Comment number: 003233   Posted by: Rob Drimmie on May 19, 2004 02:17 PM from IP: 65.48.133.67

*cries*

Comment number: 003234   Posted by: TheBrad on May 19, 2004 02:21 PM from IP: 216.114.64.26

Sounds like sour grapes to me, jerk.

OOooOooh, good come back. Did you learn that one on Friends?

Comment number: 003235   Posted by: Snarky on May 19, 2004 02:28 PM from IP: 141.156.234.197

OOooOooh, good come back. Did you learn that one on Friends?

If I did, that was hardly a call for you to reply with your best Marcia Brady impression.

Poopyhead.

Comment number: 003236   Posted by: Cat on May 19, 2004 02:39 PM from IP: 208.27.203.128

STOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT!!!

Comment number: 003237   Posted by: TheBrad on May 19, 2004 02:58 PM from IP: 216.114.64.26

*shows brad some ass*

Comment number: 003238   Posted by: avogadro on May 19, 2004 08:03 PM from IP: 4.159.65.25

This is why I spend my time on more important & wordly matters than reading weblogs.

Comment number: 003240   Posted by: claxy on May 20, 2004 05:35 AM from IP: 69.212.32.212

That was hilarious, but every other line should have been "How's it goin'?" with a lift of the chin. I guess that is the official greeting of the NYPD blue, cause every character greets every other character that way every damn show.

Comment number: 003257   Posted by: Jennifer on May 24, 2004 10:56 AM from IP: 64.108.226.99

teeheeheeheeheeheehee.

ehem. i have to add, i don't watch NYPD Blue and i found this post hilarious. i do drink green tea though. doh!

Comment number: 003366   Posted by: aikan on June 8, 2004 12:39 PM from IP: 65.167.102.145

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