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Monday, 01 March
My Life With The Liver Pill Kult

We have moved successfully. Well, semi-successfully. Our stuff was all transported and transported well: the young lads from the moving company were actually nice and helpful and hard-working. It kind of freaked me out, as I was anticipating Teamsterish, sandwich-clutching mesomorphs who would stolidly refuse to move anything, because I'm such a weenie. But no! We got everything into the house okay, and then I promptly broke the toilet by foolishly trying to, you know, use it. My pleas for a plumber were somehow construed by the manager as a demand for a brand-new toilet, which made no sense at all, but it sure caused a lot of baffled screaming on my part, which then immediately made the cable go out.

I'm sure the events are related somehow, anyway. So the wife is going home early today to meet the cable guy "between one and five!" Or so promised the nice cable lady, who allowed me to bully her into an afternoon slot rather than the usual preposterous wasting of an entire workday. Honestly, when did an entire nation--large parts of which are predicated on the notion of good service--suddenly roll over for a bunch of geek failures in ballcaps who provide annoying, desultory service and then soak you for plugging in some fucking co-ax? For these dipshits we willingly sacrifice entire workdays? Cable companies can't contract out to people with efficient scheduling and troubleshooting skills? What if every service was like that? "Hi, I'd like a cab, please." "All right, it'll be about two to six hours." "WHAT?" "Yep. Eat it raw, stupid. Oh, and no matter where you're going, it's gonna cost you forty bucks. How do you like that?" "I hate it!" "I know! But tough! So you still want a cab?" "I guess . . . "

I'm sorry, but this is not the America I want to live in.

It is time now for me to do something I haven't yet really had to do: issue a retraction. In a previous post, I made several mean-spirited jokes at the expense of my new condoneighbors. I implied that they were a bunch of soulless cheese-scarfing yuppies with shiny expensive cars and no taste. I now declare that I couldn't have been more wrong about my new neighbors. They are not yuppies.

They are, in fact, all wizened husks, near-corpses and shambling, blasted zombies with shiny expensive cars and no taste. I have moved into the Condo Of Imminent Death, and it's a little alarming. In the course of one discussion in the lobby with the Head of the Board (estimated age = one million), there were three wheelchairs, two walkers, and one cane spotted. At another point, when the movers were backing the truck into the front roundabout, an agitated woman started saying frantically, "They can't block the driveway! They can't block the driveway!" Later, after I had gotten the truck out of the way, she (with restored composure) explained, "It's a house rule. There are a lot of people who use that roundabout: tenants, deliverypeople, emergency vehicles . . . " She casually dropped "emergency vehicles" in there without noticing that not all apartment buildings have ambulances on full call all the time. I wondered how many tenants had died during our conversation, and whether or not they had nicer apartments than mine.

But then, when I get home and find out that I still have no cable, and I still have no toilet, I'll probably welcome death myself. And look! I'm right where I need to be.


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

Oh, they're probably not really old. They're just puckered from using your rad new POOL!

Comment number: 002871   Posted by: Krizzer on March 1, 2004 03:53 PM from IP: 24.17.165.39

Oh my god. Skot, my stomach actually hurts from laughing so hard. Thank gods no one was here to hear me laugh like a hyena.

I think you can safely assume there won't be too many annoying children in your building either. You two will probably have the pool to yourselves. That is, apart from the mid-afternoon aquasizing.

Comment number: 002872   Posted by: Tracy on March 1, 2004 04:56 PM from IP: 152.15.164.138

octogenarian aquacize classes....

*shudder*

At least your new place is bigger, you'll have less reason to go outside to witness that physical therapy catastrophy.

Comment number: 002873   Posted by: One on March 2, 2004 07:08 AM from IP: 63.165.136.132

Are you sure you didn't move into a retirement community? Are you having to turn over your entire monthly paychecks to the office? Does someone come in and inspect your sheets, while you're in them, turning you both over occasionally to prevent bedsores? Have you been informed of Bingo night?

(ps, 'estimated age = one million' - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

Comment number: 002874   Posted by: Bet on March 2, 2004 07:17 AM from IP: 12.34.246.7

Personally, I really enjoyed the title. Of course, I might be one of the few that has too many My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult... Excellent, Skot.

Comment number: 002875   Posted by: derk on March 2, 2004 08:38 AM from IP: 67.105.64.199

"I'm sorry, but this is not the America I want to live in."

You are so right! That would be scary. What if the half day wait starts to spread to all areas of our lives? On the one hand, it would bring the economy to a screeching halt. On the other, it might ensure employment for more people since many others would be waiting for cabs, burritos, cable and could not accept full employment.

Sorry the neighbors are wizened but at least you know that you can get an ambulance with no delay...well, maybe.

Comment number: 002876   Posted by: Miel on March 2, 2004 08:42 AM from IP: 141.154.80.61

I think your condo is technically called "Assisted Living." Have fun!

Comment number: 002877   Posted by: Stacey on March 2, 2004 09:04 AM from IP: 129.106.21.180

I have a lot to say in response to this story, but I don't have time right now. Look for a comment from me sometime between today and Thursday.

Comment number: 002878   Posted by: hot toddy on March 2, 2004 11:06 AM from IP: 199.79.222.123

first day over sixty, it's a pool party at skot's with the wizened husks. We can toss 'em in one at a time.

Comment number: 002880   Posted by: mike on March 2, 2004 10:44 PM from IP: 216.173.212.237

Wizened Husks is a GNFAB. I feel like I've said that before, somehow.

Comment number: 002881   Posted by: pesty on March 3, 2004 07:51 AM from IP: 66.160.108.162

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