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Tuesday, 27 January
Lost Weekend

What a wretched weekend. But it's all my own damn fault. Let me explain.

It all started with pay-per-view, but again I say, it's my own fault. I need only say four words as clarification: League of Extraordinary Gentleman.

[For those who care, the next paragraph contains spoilers. However, the term "spoiler" is a woefully inadequate term here, as LXG comes thoroughly pre-spoiled. It's like trying to spoil six-month-old yogurt. Sure, you can dunk a dead rat into it, but who cares?]

I knew I would end up seeing this movie at some point, so I figured, Why not? It'll be a dumb romp!

I was half right. It certainly was dumb. A "romp" it was not; I have had what I would classify as "romps;" this wasn't one of those. Romps involve goofy fun, or deliberate ironic distance, or even just what-the-fuck nudity. I got none of these. It was a definite non-romp. What could be the linguistic opposite of "romp"? How about "pung"? That's a pretty unappealing word that seems quite unlike "romp." This movie was a total pung.

I don't want to get too much into this, but I should say that I was a fan of the comic book (but word to the wise: The second volume of the comic really licks), and it pretty much betrayed its source material at every turn. Even the wife--assuredly not a comic fan--noted that the Mina Harker character was something like 19 when she got vampired in the literature: the movie featured an admittedly toothsome gal as Mina, but she also was vaguely reminiscent of someone who would buy you beer at a rest stop in Missoula.

I ended up paying the price for watching this debacle (I'll let this go in a minute, I promise, but for Christ's sake, even Nemo's submarine looked like some hideous, discarded Victorian silver comb): I woke up the next morning deliriously ill. Swollen glands, achy limbs, screaming hair, phosphoric bladder, the works. And parched mouth, the worrisome kind: when I went to go gorge myself on lovely water, my stomach immediately groaned, and spoke to me kinaesthetically: If you drink more than five mouthfuls, I'm going to send it all back up, stupid.

Awful. This was made even worse by the remembrance that I had already been ass-tastically sick a month ago, laid low by the goddamn flu virus that had levelled everyone we knew. Sick twice--horribly--in one season? Fuck that. To top things off, I couldn't unwatch League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. I spent most of the day shuffling around like Jim Backus, hunched and palsied, nasally foghorning my wretched plaints. "Please don't put on the Food Channel," I whined. "They're going to show that commercial where they melt Velveeta with salsa." Just what I needed to see: Crushed tomatoes with bait.

By Sunday, I felt rather more human: I was actually not only able to view actual food, but to miraculously consume it. I ate a baked potato. Huzzah! Puny potato! I thought, You will die screaming in my listless gastric tract! This is perhaps not the most stirring tale of gustatory triumph you've ever heard, but it was a big deal to me.

And I lived through today, and I even made it to work. I may be immunocompromised, but that won't stop me from burning paid time off to potentially infect all of my coworkers! Oh no.

May they all get sick. And stay home. And watch League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. I shouldn't be the only one who suffers.


Note: Comments are closed on old entries.

Comments

I've been reading your blogs for over a year now, sometimes I forget for a few weeks and get all excited at the catching up and no doubt laughing out loud I will have to do when i realise! Anyway, this is the first time I have felt the urge to comment, simply because I recently bought LXG on DVD, and it was so excruciatingly bad that I actually fell asleep. I just had to tell you that.

Comment number: 002679   Posted by: Nova on January 27, 2004 12:28 AM from IP: 194.196.100.34

Send your friend Johnny down to torture the producers.

Comment number: 002680   Posted by: david on January 27, 2004 05:47 AM from IP: 202.137.85.248

As much as it pains me to say it, if you quit smoking you probably wouldn't get sick so often. That's it, now I'm done. Just wanted to throw that out there. Do with it what you will.

I hate myself.

Comment number: 002681   Posted by: your conscience on January 27, 2004 10:41 AM from IP: 67.108.58.98

---
I was actually not only able too view actual food
--
too?

Comment number: 002683   Posted by: Some guy. on January 27, 2004 02:50 PM from IP: 209.102.148.12

The amazing thing is, apart from this damn winter, I don't get sick that often. Not that quitting smoking is a terrible idea.

I'm a weak, weak man.

Thanks for catching the error, uh, some guy.

Comment number: 002684   Posted by: Skot on January 27, 2004 03:18 PM from IP: 140.107.120.123

I've just finished reading King Solomon's Mines for a grad. school class and have to say that the prof., even though he too hated the movie as everyone is apparently required to do, said that he thought the choice of Sean Connery for the role of Alan Quartermaine was inspired. Apparently, the mature debonair charm of Sean fits Haggard's portrayal of Alan. I guess I have to see the movie and suffer to find out.

Comment number: 002685   Posted by: zhaf on January 27, 2004 03:21 PM from IP: 128.223.162.50

this is probably one of the more linguistically brilliant posts. The invention of "romp"'s inverse, the use of "Huzzah!", the sentence, "i couldn't unwatch LXG"...almost as moving as that period a few months back when you used the word "swounds" a lot. i miss those days. thanks for being awesome.

Comment number: 002686   Posted by: big dork on January 27, 2004 06:01 PM from IP: 204.210.23.249

I believe "pung" is actually Danish slang for "package of cock'n'balls" and Norwegian for "coin purse". Or maybe it's the other way around. Best to confirm this with a native speaker before using the word on Scandinavia-bound export products.

Comment number: 002687   Posted by: yami on January 27, 2004 06:59 PM from IP: 67.127.167.215

As someone posted to this forum before, if you go to Hollywood movies with low enough expectations, you'll seldom be disappointed. From that point of view I didn't think LXG was so terrible. I quite liked Stuart Townsend (originally cast as Aragorn, by the way, but rejected because he was too young). On the other hand, "Once Upon a Time in Mexico" was one of the most unwatchable pieces of crap I've had the misfortune to view in quite a while. I kept having to remind myself that there was no point walking out because the whole reason I was at the movies was to relieve the boredom of a 5-day power outage at my house.

Comment number: 002690   Posted by: Kim on January 28, 2004 08:57 AM from IP: 66.167.145.174

I just went through the same thing. But I whined a lot more on MY blog.

Comment number: 002692   Posted by: Stacey on January 28, 2004 02:27 PM from IP: 129.106.21.180

Skot! You should have watched Magnolia!

Comment number: 002693   Posted by: Johnny13 on January 28, 2004 10:07 PM from IP: 67.73.168.216

I think that sealed my fate of ever renting LXG. Thanks for saving me from wasting 2 hours of my life and five precious dollars. If you're ever in Sacramento, I'll buy you a beer from the money you just saved me.

Comment number: 002697   Posted by: Adam on January 30, 2004 03:11 PM from IP: 67.125.1.117

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